Twilight Chat Room
by Hypnotized.By.Golden.Eyes
Summary: The characters of Twilight chat about whatever they want. Why? Because they can!
1. Staring contest

**This is my first time writing something like this, and I was just having fun. But it's not all just a random mess - I actually try to keep characters in character (as much as possible for a story this random). There's also a parody-like feel to it in some places. So hopefully you all enjoy it. :D**

**~.Read.&.Review.~**

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**Edward logged on**

**Emmett logged on**

Emmett: Yo bro!

Edward: Have you seen, Bella?

Emmett: What, not even a 'hello'?

Edward: Just answer me Emmett.

Emmett: No.

Edward: Emmett…

Emmett: Not until you say 'hello'

Edward: *growls*

Emmett: O_O

**Alice logged on**

Emmett: *screams*

**Emmett logged off**

Alice: He better not have done that because I logged on! :[

Edward: ...He did.

Alice: That jerk!

**Alice logged off**

Edward: :]

**Bella logged on**

**Jacob logged on**

Edward: Bella, love! I've missed you. *crooked smile*

Bella: *-*

Jacob: Bella? Snap out of it!

Edward: Quiet, mongrel. If she wants to be dazzled by me then let her.

Jacob: What the hell is dazzled?

Edward: I will show you. *holds up a picture of a nice juicy bone*

Jacob: *is dazzled*

Edward: Success!

**Alice logged on**

**Emmett logged on**

Emmett: Sup everybody? I'm back!

Alice: You jerk!

**Alice logged off**

Emmett: O_o

**Esme logged on**

Esme: Hello, children.

Emmett: Esme, look! Bella and Jacob are having a staring contest!

Esme: Oh, how fun

Emmett: I bet 5 on Jacob

Esme: 10 on Bella

Emmett: o.o Alright, you high roller... 10 on Jacob!

Edward: ...

Jacob: Whoa, what happened…

Esme: Jacob blinked! Pay up, boy.

Emmett: Huh- But- Grr! *pays up*

Esme: Thank you, dear.

**Esme logged off**

Emmett: Wha- Edward, did you see that? She took my money and ran. That's cheap!

**Emmett logged off**

Jacob: What just happened?

Edward: You lost.

Jacob: Lost what?

Edward: The staring contest.

Jacob: What staring contest?

Edward: The one you just lost.

Jacob: How did I lose at a staring contest I knew nothing about?

Edward: You blinked! Do I have to spell out everything for you?

Jacob: I'm leaving -_-

**Jacob logged off**

**Alice logged on**

Alice: Did you like how I set up Emmett?

Edward: What do you mean?

Alice: I knew he would lose the bet with Esme :]

Edward: :] Good one

Alice: *giggles evilly* I know!

Edward: Let's go mess with him some more

Alice: Excellent!

**Alice logged off**

**Edward logged off**

Bella: *-*


	2. Pictures Don't Lie

**Emmett logged on**

**Bella logged on**

**Alice logged on**

Emmett: Hey my favorite sisters!

Bella: We're your only sisters.

Emmett: I don't see your point.

Alice: OMJ! Check out this *holds up picture*

Bella: :O

Emmett: :D

Bella: Where did you get that?

Alice: What's the matter, Bella? Feeling a little guilty, are we?

Bella: No!

Emmett: I can already tell this is gonna be fun *smirks in anticipation*

**Rosalie logged on**

**Jasper logged on**

Emmett: Alice, show Rose and Jasper the picture.

Bella: No, don't do it!

Alice: *shows picture*

Rosalie: Is that...

Alice: Yep.

Jasper: Wait till Edward sees that...

Emmett: Hahaha! Yeah, I'll get him on.

Bella: What?

Rosalie: Wow, Bella, I'm impressed. How'd you manage that one with Edward around.

Jasper: He obviously wasn't around.

Bella: I didn't do that!

Alice: Pictures don't lie, Bella.

**Edward logged on**

Alice: Edward, look what I found! *shows pic*

Edward: ...

Bella: *bites lip nervously*

Edward: ...

Emmett: Personally, I find the picture quite entertaining. Don't you, Edward?

Edward: What is this! Bella, _why_?

Bella: It's not what you think, Edward!

Edward: Oh? So it's not a picture of you and Mike Newton _kissing_?

Emmett: Sure looks like that to me.

Bella: Shut up, Emmett!

Edward: Why, Bella? T_T

Bella: It's a lie!

Alice: I thought we had already established the truth about pictures.

Jasper: You are feeling awfully nervous, Bella.

Emmett: LOL This is great! I knew we kept you around for something

Bella: Thanks a lot! *glares at everybody*

**Mike logged on**

Rosalie: It's him...

Emmett: This just gets better and better :D

Edward: Hello, Mike. *glares*

Mike: Oh, hey Cullen...

Bella: Mike Newton! How did Alice get this picture?

Alice: *shows picture*

Mike: o_o"

Jasper: He's guilty of something.

Bella: Spill it, Mike!

Mike: ...

Edward: When did this occur? Why are you kissing my Bella, and why is she denying it happened? And you better have a good reason. OR DEATH IS UPON YOU!

The other Cullens: o.o

Mike: Um...

Edward: Wrong answer! *growls*

Mike: O_O Wait! No, I can explain!

Bella & Edward: Start explaining!

Emmett: Did Bella seduce you, Mike? I didn't know you were that easy.

Bella: Very funny -_-

Mike: That's not funny!

Edward: Answer the question, Newton!

Mike: Ok, Ok! I...I made it...

-silence-

Mike: ...with photoshop.

Bella: I told you that picture was lying. Told you! Told you! Told you!

Emmett: *sighs* Fine, you win this one Jazz.

Jasper: *smirks victoriously*

Bella: You bet on that?

Emmett: Hey, Mike, if you kiss her for real I can win my money back.

Mike: *thinks about it*

Edward: GET HER OUT OF YOUR HEAD!

Mike: *screams like a little girl*

**Mike logged off**

Emmett: Aww, you ruined the fun...like always. Kill joy.

Edward: You're next on my list, Emmett.

**Edward logged off**

Emmett: I'm terrified…NOT!

Jasper: *murmurs to Bella* Emmett's comebacks always tend to be pulled from the 90s.

Emmett: No way, man. I hate the 90s. ...PSYCHE!

Jasper: You see?

Bella: Unfortunately.

Rosalie: Emmett...?

Emmett: Yeah, babe?

Rosalie: Edward is sabotaging your jeep.

Emmett: ... WHAT?

**Emmett logged off**

Rosalie: *sighs*

**Rosalie logged off**

Jasper: This I have to see.

**Jasper logged off**

Alice: Hmm, now what to do with this picture?

Bella: Burn it!

Alice: I have a better idea *evil smile*

Bella: Alice…what's with the face…?

Alice: *evil smile*

**Alice logged off**

Bella: Alice!

**Bella logged off**


	3. Word gets around

**Bella logged on**

**Alice logged on**

Bella: Alice, I can't believe you did that!

Alice: It's all in good fun, Bella. Believe me.

Bella: I'm humiliated.

**Emmett logged on**

Alice: Don't worry, in a couple of days no one will remember it.

Emmett: You're not talking about the picture of her and that Newton kid you posted on the school bulletin are you? LOL Because no one is forgetting that!

Bella: *groans* You see!

Alice: :( Well he's Emmett, what do you expect?

Emmett: What's that supposed to mean?

Bella: It means you're heartless.

Emmett: Hey, just because it's not beating doesn't mean it's not there :(

**Edward logged on**

Bella: Edward! Tell your sister she's cruel!

**Rosalie logged on**

Edward: Rose, you're cruel.

Rosalie: Well fine, I won't tune up your car for you anymore. How's that for cruel?

**Rosalie logged off**

Edward: …That's…pretty cruel :[

Bella: Not that one, the other one.

Emmett: Better be careful, bro. Remember what just happened when you told that to Rose?

Edward: …Sorry, love, but I can't say it.

Bella: Edward, I thought you loved me? T_T

Edward: o_o Don't cry!

Alice: Oh nice one, Edward.

Emmett: Yeah, great job. And you call yourself her husband-to-be *shakes head in disappointment*

Edward: You're both not helping.

Emmett and Alice: I know :]

Bella: T_T

Edward: OK. Alice, you're cruel.

Bella: Yay!

Alice: Fine! I won't shop for your clothes anymore. You can do that yourself from now on! Hmph.

**Alice logged off**

Bella: ... If I'd known that was the punishment I would have told her myself.

Edward: *sighs*

**Jessica logged on**

Jessica: Edward, Bella is cheating on you! She doesn't deserve you! Wanna go out?

Bella: :O

Edward: …

Emmett: LOL

Jessica: Oh…Bella, hi. Heh heh

Bella: What are you doing, Jess?

Emmett: *imitates Jessica's voice* Trying to steal your man - what's it look like?

Jessica: Noooo! Well, yes. But with good reason. Did you see that picture on the bulletin at school, Edward? It's proof Bella is no good for you-

Bella: That's not a real picture.

Jessica: Yeah right. And I'm from Mars.

Emmett and Bella: That explains a lot...

Edward: Jessica...

Jessica: {{thinks: he said my name}} *faints*

Edward: …um, ok

Emmett: Wow! It sure was easy to shut her up. Let me try. _Bella..._

Bella: Be quiet, Emmett!

Emmett: Hmm, doesn't seem to have the same effect. Must only work on Martians.

Edward: I have to take that picture down tomorrow.

Bella: Yes, good plan.

Edward: Glad you think so.

Bella: *stares dreamily at Edward*

Edward: :] *stares lovingly back*

Bella: I love you

Edward: _I_ love _you_

Emmett: Get a room! And make sure it's big enough for all your gushy-gooey crap.

**Emmett logged off**

Edward: He's just jealous :]

**Jacob logged on**

Jacob: Bella, you kissed that Mike character?

Bella and Edward: NO!

Bella: How did you even know about that?

Jacob: Word gets around.

Bella: *mumbles*stupid boring small towns.

Jacob: You can kiss me next if you want, I won't mind.

Edward: *starts to growl*

Jacob: Can't say the same for your bloodsucker, he might mind. But I don't care. He's not good for you.

Edward: Oh yeah, I can read minds. What can you do?

Jacob: ...Change into a puppy?

Edward & Bella: ...

Jacob: ...

Edward: That's what I thought.

Jacob: *glares* Annoying parasite.

Edward: Irritating mutt.

Jacob: At least I don't sparkle!

Edward: At least I don't have fleas!

Bella: You two are being very immature.

Jacob and Edward: He started it!

Bella: Hmm, something smells funny...

Jacob and Edward: It's him!

Bella: No! *glares at them* Like something is burning... Gah! Charlie's, trying to cook something again!

**Bella logged off**

Jacob: ...

Edward: Stop that!

Jacob: What?

Edward: Stop thinking of my Bella like that.

Jacob: ...*evil grin*

Edward: Aaahhh! Make it stop!

**Edward logged off**

**Jasper logged on**

Jasper: ...

Jacob: ...

Jasper: ...

Jacob: This is weird.

Jasper: Your face is weird.

**Jasper logged off**

Jacob: O.o Crazy leeches

**Jacob logged off**


	4. Lie to me

**Emmett logged on**

**Rosalie logged on**

**Jacob logged on**

Emmett: …

Rosalie: I smell a mutt.

Emmett: truth

Jacob: I smell a leech - two of them actually.

Emmett: truth

Rosalie: Haven't you got rabies yet?

Jacob: No, not yet. Sorry to disappoint you.

Emmett: LIE! You're not sorry.

Rosalie: Emmett, what _are_ you doing?

Emmett: I just watched that new show Lie To Me.

Rosalie: So?

Emmett: So now I can tell who is lying!

**Edward logged on**

**Bella logged on**

Bella: Hey guys.

Jacob: Watch out, Bells. One of your bloodsuckers knows if you lie.

Emmett: Lie! You don't believe I do!

Bella: ?

Emmett: truth - you're confused.

Rosalie: Remind me not to let you watch new shows with Carlisle.

Emmett: truth - you really want me to remind you.

Rosalie: Knock it off!

Emmett: You're irritated.

Edward: Nice observation, genius.

Emmett: Lie! You used sarcasm.

Jacob: This is going to get annoying fast.

Emmett: truth

**Alice logged on**

Alice: Hey everyone!

Emmett: She's excited.

Rosalie: Alice, do you forgive Edward for calling you cruel yet? The poor boy needs you.

Emmett: truth

Edward: I don't understand.

Emmett: He doesn't understand.

Edward: I just said that!

Emmett: truth

Alice: Edward! What are you wearing!

Emmett: She's shocked and appalled.

Edward: What? I just got these clothes.

Emmett: truth - he is bewildered.

Alice: You have a serious wardrobe malfunction! I didn't realize how lost you'd be without me shopping for you. This is a problem. A real problem.

Emmett: truth - she's worried.

Everyone: SHUT UP, EMMETT!

Emmett: tru-

Rosalie: *smacks Emmett*

**Rosalie logged off**

Emmett: T-T

Jacob: lol

Bella: You got what was coming to you, you know?

Edward: That's for sure.

**Jasper logged on**

Alice: Jasper, look what Edward is wearing! I have some major shopping to do.

Jasper: *looks Edward over* Agreed.

Edward: -_-

Bella: Be right back.

Emmett: She probably needs a human moment *snickers*

Jacob: What, you're not a lie detector anymore?

Emmett: truth!

Edward: Jacob, maybe you should keep your mouth shut for once.

Alice: We know how difficult that is for you, but please try.

Jacob: hmph

Bella: I'm back! Look what I found crying outside *holds up a little white-furred kitten*

Alice: Aww, he's so cute!

Bella: I'm gonna keep him.

Jacob: I thought you were a dog person :(

Bella: *glares at the Cullens* And don't you dare think about eating him!

The Cullens: O.O"

Jacob: *snickers* So busted.

Edward: We would never, Bella.

Jasper: On purpose…

Emmett: truth

Alice: Jasper!

Jasper: Sorry.

Emmett: lie

Bella: That's it! None of you are allowed over to my house!

Edward: What about me?

Bella: ... Oh, alright.

Edward: :]

Jacob: How 'bout me?

Edward: *whispers* Say no.

Jacob: I heard that.

Emmett: Dogs chase cats, too. Don't let him over, Bella.

Bella: That's a good point.

Jacob: Hey! Quit ganging up on me!

Emmett: *gasp* Lie To Me is on again!

**Emmett logged off**

Edward: I always thought Carlisle could do no wrong...

Jasper: And then he started letting Emmett watch Lie To Me with him.

Edward: *nods*

Jasper: Next thing you know he'll think he's the actual character and change his name.

Bella: I think his name should be Ghost.

Edward and Jasper: O-o _Emmett's_?

Bella: No the cat's!

Alice: Jasper, come on. We have shopping to do because our brother seems to dress himself like a pre-schooler. *looks Edward over again* Actually, that's an insult to the pre-schoolers.

**Alice logged off**

**Jasper logged off**

Bella: Want to come over, Edward?

Edward: Sure! I'll be right there. ^-^

Bella: You sound excited… _Too_ excited.

Edward: ?

Bella: *narrows eyes*

Edward: *sighs* I won't go near Ghost, Bella. I'm excited to come over so I can be with you _(Emmett is heard in the background, telling everyone if they lied) _…and to get away from here

Bella: Ok, I'll save you :]

Edward: You're the best, love.

Bella: *sends a virtual kiss*

Edward: *crooked grin* I love you too. *sends one back* I'll be over soon.

Bella: One more kiss before you come!

Edward: *laughs, but sends one*

Jacob: I'M STILL HERE!

Bella: *blushes* Oops

**Bella logged off**

Edward: lol

**Edward logged off**

Jacob: Ugh.

**Jacob logged off**


	5. Ghost

**Jasper logged on**

**Emmett logged on**

**Edward logged on**

**Alice logged on**

**Bella logged on**

**Rosalie logged on**

Bella: Wow, everyone is on.

Emmett: Eerie, isn't it? And when things are eerie you automatically know Alice is involved in some way.

Alice: Am not! Besides, I hit forty-three stores in less than an hour at the mall after school today ^-^

Emmett: You hit forty-three stores?

Bella: You hit forty-three stores in less than an hour?

Rosalie: You hit forty-three stores and only got me two pairs of jeans!

Alice: I mostly went to beat my record...

Jasper: And you did.

Alice: Yes! I knew I would.

Bella: ...Edward? Are you okay?

Edward: *looks really, really angry*

**Jacob logged on**

**Embry logged on**

Rosalie: Ew…

Edward: Jacob you're a dead dog.

Jacob: *smirks*

Bella: What? What happened?

Edward: Jacob keyed my Volvo!

Emmett and Jasper: LOL

Bella: What? When did that happen?

Embry: lol Who cares? That's great stuff!

Jacob: Ha! All is fair in love and war.

Edward: Don't think I'll forget that.

Rosalie: I'm leaving. Smells too much like filthy _mutts._

Jacob: Hey blondie, hear about the blond who got an AM radio?

Embry: I did! It took her a month to realize she could play it at night!

Rosalie: *death stare*

Embry: Psh, like that's supposed to scare us.

Rosalie: *snarls viciously* I'll knock you dogs out!

Embry and Jacob: O_O

**Embry logged off**

**Jacob logged off**

Emmett: Wait, who let the dogs out?

Alice: I assume Bella.

Bella: Guilty as charged^^

Jasper: Well, today I made Emmett think he was in love with the dude sitting next to him in Trig.

Emmett: *thinks about that for a minute* THAT WAS YOU?

Bella and Alice: LOL

Edward: Nice

Emmett: That's not cool, bro. I thought I was losing my mind.

Jasper: What else is there to do in school? But don't worry - you can't lose what you never had.

Emmett: Oh it's on now.

Jasper: Bring it.

Emmett: Oh I'll bring it! With a side of cheese dip!

**Emmett logged off**

Everyone: ...

Bella: I don't get it.

Alice: Here he comes, Jazz

Jasper: Hey-!

***Jasper got disconnected***

Alice: Come on, Jazz! Give him a left! Give him a right! Give him a left!

Rosalie: You shouldn't encourage those two.

Bella: *meow*

Everyone looks at Bella: O-o?

Bella: ... Ghost wanted to say hi.

Rosalie: Ghost?

Alice: Bella got a cat :]

Rosalie: Oh. Is that why you were banned from going to her house?

Alice: Yes :'(

Rosalie: Well I- Emmett and Jasper, don't you hit my car!

**Rosalie logged off**

Alice: I should help…cheer Jasper on!

**Alice logged off**

**Esme logged on**

Bella: Hi, Esme :]

Esme: Hello Bella

Bella: Meet Ghost *holds up kitty*

Esme: Oh, he looks absolutely delicious! When are you bringing him over for us?

Bella and Edward: :O

Bella: Esme how could you? T-T

**Bella logged off**

Esme: I was kidding… :(

Edward: *sighs*


	6. RAWR!

**Bella logged on**

Bella: … I'm all alone.

**Victoria logged on**

Bella: o_o

Victoria: RAWR!

Bella: O_O

Victoria: I want you...

Bella: Woah, um...look, I'm flattered, but...I'm not like that...

Victoria: FOR DINNER!

Bella: *screams*

Victoria: Mwahahahaha!

Bella: Aaaahhhh!

Victoria: Mwahahahaha!

Bella: Aaahhh…

Victoria: Mwahahahaha!

Bella: …um

Victoria: Mwahahahaha!

Bella: Stop laughing, you hyena!

Victoria: I'm a vampire! *hisses*

Bella: eep

**Bella logged off**

Victoria: ... *waits patiently*

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

**Emmett logged on**

**Rosalie logged on**

Emmett: Rose, I took this quiz to see what mythical creature I was, and it said I was a vampire! *angry face*

Rosalie: Well, Emmett, I hate to break it to you. But you _are_ a vampire.

Emmett: That's no fun at all! Just because I answered I drink blood, that automatically makes me a vampire? !

Rosalie: Em...go read a dictionary.

Victoria: RAWR!

Rosalie: *screams and punches Victoria in face*

Emmett: O_O

Emmett: Oh, oh, it's…it's…Cruella Deville! Am I right?

Rosalie: It's Victoria!

Emmett: Is there a difference?

Victoria: You. Punched. Me.

Emmett: Retreat, Rose!

**Emmett logged off**

**Rosalie logged off**

Victoria: *waits patiently...again*

…

…

…

…

…

**Jasper logged on**

**Alice logged on**

Alice: Ok, I think I know but I don't know for sure, and I want to know but nobody else knows, so I don't know if I know or not!

Jasper: Erm…Am I supposed to know?

Alice: Yes, Jazz! Pay attention.

Victoria: RAWR!

Alice: …I already saw you coming.

Jasper: …Your emotions gave you away.

Victoria: Well…you both just suck!

**Victoria logged off**

Alice: …

Jasper: …

Alice: Hunting?

Jasper: Yes please.

**Jasper logged off**

**Alice logged off**


	7. Skittles

**Edward logged on**

**Bella logged on**

**Emmett logged on**

**Jasper logged on**

Bella: Hi *opens bag of skittles*

Emmett: Ew!

Bella: They're not ew *pouts defensively*

Emmett: Whatever. So Jasper, when should we get started on our project?

Jasper: Why did I have to get stuck with you? Our partners were picked randomly for goodness sake!

Bella: What's going on?

Edward: Jasper and Emmett are senior science project partners.

Emmett: Oooo, try saying that ten times fast! Senior science project partners. Senior science project partners. Senior science project partners. Senior science project partners. Senior science project partners. Senior science project partners. Senior science project partners. Senior science project partners. Senior science project partners. Senior science project partners.

Emmett: Hmm, that was easier than I thought.

Bella: You're a vampire - tongue twisters don't mean anything to you -_-

Emmett: Oh yeah! :D

Jasper: I'm trying to think of what we'll do our project on.

Emmett: How about the benefits of vegetarianism? :]

Edward: I don't think vampire vegetarianism is the same as the human version.

Emmett: Then I say we argue the differences between the two.

Bella: Yes, I'm sure the teacher will take you seriously.

Emmett: Was that sarcasm, missy?

**Alice logged on**

Alice: Jazz! I know what you should do your project on. Fashion!

Emmett: NO. Get your own project!

Alice: Really, look how Bella's dressed compared to me. There has to be a reason her brain doesn't function properly in that department.

Emmett: She's Bella - she doesn't function properly in any department.

Bella: HEY!

Jasper: You know, they're sure to be expecting something brilliant coming from the Cullens.

Emmett: Well that's no fun. Let's surprise them all with...a paper-mache volcano!

Edward: That's not very original.

Alice: And it can shoot out water instead of lava!

Emmett: Now your thinkin, sister.

Edward: That doesn't even make sense.

Emmett: Picky. Picky. Picky.

Edward: I've never had to do a science project, but I'm pretty sure they have to be logical.

Emmett: Logical to science?

Edward: Obviously -_-

Alice: Psh, what do they know? They don't even think vampires exist.

Edward: Got me there.

Jasper: We need better ideas...

Bella: Aw man! There's never enough red skittles in a bag. Why? They're the best kind.

Emmett: That's it! What color skittles is most prominent?

Alice: Bella says she likes the red ones.

Emmett: Hypothesis: red will rule, as it always does.

Jasper: I believe she said "there's never enough red"-

Emmett: Hurry! We have to buy thousands of bags of skittles for Bella.

Alice: I'm on it!

Bella: O_o

Edward: I don't think _thousands _of bags are necessary.

Bella: Definitely not.

Emmett: You can never have too many bags of skittles for an experiment.

Jasper: This is more middle school, I'd say... But I'm in.

Alice: That's the spirit^^

Bella: I'm not eating all those bags!

**Jacob logged on**

Jacob: Hey, Bella.

Emmett: Do werewolves like skittles?

Jacob: ...yes...

Emmett: There, they can help you eat the skittles, Bella.

Edward: Too bad they'll smell like us.

Alice: That's their problem. Now let's go get started!

**Alice logged off**

**Jasper logged off**

Emmett: You're helping too, bro!

Edward: No I'm not.

Emmett: Yes you are.

**Emmett logged off**

Edward: ...

Edward: O_o

***Edward got disconnected***

Jacob: What was that about?

Bella: I really hope you love skittles, Jacob

**Bella logged off**

Jacob: Ok?...


	8. Revenge list

**Thanks for all the smiling reviews! I'll keep writing, as you seem to find this story enjoyable. :]**

* * *

**Bella logged on**

**Jacob logged on**

**Rosalie logged on**

Rosalie: Oh no...

Jacob: Oh yes! Wanna hear a joke?

Rosalie: No.

Jacob: Good. What do you do if a blond throws a grenade at you?

Rosalie & Bella: ...

Jacob: You pull the pin and throw it back!

Rosalie: Already heard it. Get some new material if you're trying to be funny.

Jacob: Ok, here's a good one for you. Why does a blonde smile at lightning? ... She thinks she's getting her picture taken, lol!

Rosalie: ...

Jacob: No, don't like it? I got another one.

Rosalie: Your pushing your luck, dog.

Jacob: What's brown, and black & blue all over?

Bella: *mumbles* a certain werewolf if he continues telling too many blonde jokes.

Jacob: ...

Rosalie: What do you call a werewolf with half a brain?

Jacob and Bella: ?

Rosalie: Gifted!

Jacob: You can't turn a blonde joke around like that.

Rosalie: I'm fixing it so it makes more sense. What's the matter, mutt? Can you dish it but not take it?

Jacob: *glares*

**Alice logged on**

**Emmett logged on**

**Jasper logged on**

**Edward logged on**

Rosalie: I'm out of here.

Emmett: Where you going, Rose? Don't you want to hang out with me?

**Rosalie logged off**

Emmett: I guess not :(

Edward: She spent her whole night counting skittles with you...just like I did. -_-

Emmett: And I greatly appreciate it.

Edward: You owe me!

Bella: You finished your project?

Jasper: Yes, and apparently Emmett's hypothesis was wrong.

Emmett: I blame Bella for misleading me.

Bella: What?

Alice: Emmett's hypothesis = "Red will rule as it always does"

Jasper: Emmett's results = "Green wins, because it is a cheater"

Jacob: Cool, the green ones are my favorite.

Emmett: Green is the hated enemy of red!

Jacob: Even cooler - like werewolf vs. vampire!

Edward: It makes sense, considering Bella likes the _red_ ones best *grins*

Jacob: That doesn't mean anything...

Bella: I like the red ones because they taste better.

Everyone: ...

Bella: I'm actually talking about the _skittles_ unlike all of you!

Emmett: Whatever you say *smirks*

Jacob: Well, anyway, the werewolf(green) beats the vampire(red).

Emmett: Only through trickery and deception!

Alice: He wrote that on the project too.

Emmett: Well I gotta give them all the facts, don't I? Isn't that what science is all about - facts?

Jasper: Then there's the conclusion he wrote...

Alice: Oh yeah. Emmett's conclusion: "The production line workers at the Skittles factory cannot resist eating the red ones, thereby decreasing their numbers."

Jacob: That's probably true...

Emmett: It is true! That's why it's the conclusion. I don't make stuff up.

Bella: I knew it was something like that.

Jasper: I wonder what our grade will be...

Emmett: A+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Alice: Wait, let me check. *looks into future*

-all is quiet-

Alice: Nope, that's not your grade.

Emmett: What?

Jasper: I knew I shouldn't have let Emmett do all the writing. If we fail your dead!

Emmett: I'm already-

Jasper: You know what I mean!

*Edward and Alice laugh*

Everyone but them: What's so funny?

Alice: The grade you got was an A+, just one plus.

Jasper and Emmett: ...

Emmett: Booyah! And you got all mad at me.

Jasper: *mumbles* yeah well you're lucky.

**Jasper logged off**

Jacob: Who gets an A+ in high school with a project like theirs?

Alice: Luckily they're teacher really likes skittles :]

Bella: That is lucky

Emmett: I'd share some of our luck with you, Bella, but you'd taint it.

Bella: ha. ha.

Alice: No, he's right.

Jacob: I agree.

Bella: Well no one asked you!

Edward: Ok, enough picking on Bella...

Bella: Thank you, Edward.

Edward: ...her luck gives her enough problems to deal with on a daily basis.

Bella: That does it! You are all on my list!

**Bella logged off**

Jacob: Bella has a list?

Emmett: Ooo, what kind of list?

Jacob: A mailing list?

Emmett: A task list?

Alice: A shopping list? *smiles hopefully*

Edward: Are you all really that clueless?

-silence-

Edward: *sighs* We're on her revenge list.

Alice: How fun! *looks into the future for any sign of pranks*

Jacob: Hey, hey! Look for me! Look for me! Is she doing something to me? Huh?

Alice: Uh oh. She's coming for you first, Jacob. You might want to get ready.

Jacob: OK

**Jacob logged off**

Emmett: I thought you couldn't...

Edward: She just said that to get him off.

Emmett: Haha, nice

Alice: She's not planning anything...yet. I should go talk to Jasper.

**Alice logged off**

Emmett: Better watch your girlfriend, bro. You can't read her mind, and Alice won't always be around when your at her house. Sucker!

**Emmett logged off**

Edward: *sighs*

**Edward logged off**

**Jacob logged on**

Jacob: Hey, you can't even see werewolves!- ...Dammit! They tricked me!

**Jacob logged off**


	9. Technically, It's A Dwarf Planet

**Emmett logged on**

**Alice logged on**

**Edward logged on**

Emmett: Alice. Just the person I needed to see.

Alice: Not now, Emmett, I have my own problems.

Emmett: I don't care! Why didn't you warn me? Or what about you? *glares at Edward* _Someone_ could have warned me. I thought we were looking out for each other?

Edward: *tries not to laugh* I didn't know.

Emmett: That's a lie!

**Bella logged on**

Bella: Hey guys! How is everyone doing? *grins evilly*

Emmett: Bella, how did you do it?

Alice: And why did I not see it coming?

Edward: And what are you planning next?

Bella: Personally, I think your jeep looks much better than it did, Emmett. Very...elegant.

Emmett: Hot pink is not elegant! *angry face*

Edward: Although I agree with Bella on that one- *gets evil eye from Emmett* -I do wonder how you managed it, Bella.

Alice: Yeah, who helped you?

Bella: Nobody *sticks tongue out*

Emmett: I will find out. I will!

**Emmett logged off**

Alice: I'm keeping an extra close watch on you, Bella.

Bella: *snorts* Good. Emmett was no challenge at all. I'm hoping you'll be more of one.

Alice: So I'm next? Aaaahhhh!

**Jasper logged on**

Alice: Jasper, help!

Jasper: O.o What is it?**  
**

Alice: Bella is after me?

Jasper: So you want me to protect you from...Bella?

Alice: Yes.

Jasper: ... LOL good one, Alice.

Alice: Jazz I'm serious-

**Jasper logged off**

Alice: Ugh!

Bella: I should be offended by Jasper...but instead, Alice, I'll just go: heh heh heh

**Carlisle logged on**

Bella: Carlisle! ^_^

Carlisle: Hello, Bella. What are you kids up to?

Edward: Bella is out to get us.

Alice: And is somehow succeeding!

Carlisle: Good for you, Bella.

Alice & Edward: You're supposed to be on our side!

**Rosalie logged on**

**Emmett logged on**

Rosalie: Emmett, there had better be a good reason why you called me on here.

Emmett: There is! *points at Bella* She painted every single part of my jeep hot pink and wrote 'Grizzly Bear Barbie' on the side, with little flowers and everything!

Carlisle: Wow. I'm impressed, Bella.

Emmett: _Carlisle_? You're supposed to be on my side!

Edward: Hahaha, Grizzly Bear Barbie, huh? Haha-

Emmett: *glares*

Edward: *clears throat* Well...I thought it fit...

Rosalie: I know she did.

Emmett: So get her back for me-wait... You knew?

Rosalie: Of course. I helped her.

Emmett: :O

Rosalie: Well, Seth and I did it. But it was Bella's idea.

Alice: Ah ha! Stupid werewolves blocking my vision.

Emmett: Rose, how could you? T~T

Rosalie: Simple. By remembering that time you taped paper cups filled with ketchup to each of the ceiling fan blades, and then when I turned the fan on red stuff went flying everywhere and you came running in, terrified, and freaking me out by claiming you had found where Bella's cat was hiding!

Emmett: ... That doesn't sound like me.

Bella: You did what?

Edward: LOL

Carlisle: *shakes head* Emmett, Emmett, Emmett.

Emmett: What? It's not my fault. Rose should have smelled that it wasn't blood.

Rosalie: *glares menacingly*

Emmett: Well, I mean- you know- well, it was meant for Jasper anyway.

Bella: Why are you so strange sometimes, Emmett?

Carlisle: We believe in his human life he might have been part Martian.

Emmett: That is offensive! ...I was part Plutonian, thank-you.

Carlisle: Oh, I apologize

Bella: Plutonian?

Edward: You know, from the planet Pluto.

Carlisle: Technically, it's a dwarf planet.

Emmett: Like, technically I'm a plutonian vampire.

Bella: So...aliens look like Emmett? What happened to the little green people with big black eyes?

Edward: What happened to the vampires with the pointy fangs who sleep in coffins?

Bella: Ah, good point.

Alice: Ew, Pluto people! Who never eat and spew oil instead of blood.

Emmett: That is being prejudice! And how do you know what Plutonians _spew_?

Alice & Bella: *stifles giggles*

Emmett: Now if you excuse _me_, I have to go turn my jeep into something a little more manly. Let's go, babe.

**Emmett logged off**

Rosalie: If he thinks I'm helping him fix what I purposely created then he is greatly mistaken.

**Rosalie logged off**

Carlisle: *shakes head* Those two are something, aren't they?

Alice: Yep, they're vampires ^.^

Carlisle: ...

Alice: I'm gonna go see Jasper *glares at Bella* and make sure he's not helping anyone with certain things.

**Alice logged off**

Bella: Edward, come over! I have a surprise for you.

Edward: Ok... You look suspicious.

Bella: I should *smiles brightly*

**Bella logged off**

Edward: *sighs*

**Edward logged off**

Carlisle: ...Well, no one likes to say goodbye to the old guy I guess

**Alice logged on**

Alice: Goodbye, Carlisle. See you soon :)

**Alice logged off**

Carlisle: :)

**Carlisle logged off**


	10. Oh, you like salad?

**Emmett logged on **

**Edward logged on**

**Jasper logged on**

Emmett: Hey my brothers!

Edward and Jasper: ...

Emmett: You guys suck, you know that?

Jasper: And, rumor has it, you're Grizzly Bear Barbie. _But_ we don't complain, do we?

Emmett: *glares* Oh, and Barbies Emo and Creeper are any better?

Jasper: I am NOT emo! I wish people would stop calling me emo just because I am very, very empathetic to people's emotions! HONESTLY! I AM NOT EMO! T^T

Edward: ...Yeah. And I'm no creeper.

Emmett: And I am much more better than stupid Grizzly bears, which attack poor innocent men who are simply adventuring through the woods, alone, when they should have been working...

**Bella logged on**

**Rosalie logged on**

Jasper: Oh, so you're a Black bear?

Edward: You're a Polar bear?

Jasper: You're a Koala bear?

Bella: You're a Gummy bear?^^

-Everyone looks at her-

Bella: ...What?

Rosalie: He's a teddy bear.

Emmett: No, I'm the Emmett bear! The strong, indestructible Emmett bear!

Everyone: ...

Edward: That's stupid

Emmett: You're stupid!

Bella: Gummy bears are cooler

Emmett: Psh, I can tear those gummy bears to pieces!

Jasper & Rosalie: Bella can tear gummy bears to pieces.

Emmett: ...I think you're missing the point.

**Charlie logged on**

Emmett: Hey, it's Chief Swan!

Bella: Hey, Dad^^

Charlie: Hey, Bells

Bella: What's up?

Charlie: So, as you know, I was invited to Mr. and Mrs. Weber's dinner party tonight and I was thinking of bringing something.

Emmett: Good idea, Charlie. I suggest angry grizzlies for the fun and entertainment. Or if your looking for something simple and easy I suppose elk would always work. Of course, mountain lions would be an excellent choice as well. But don't go for the raccoon!

Charlie: Er...I was talking about food, Emmett.

Emmett: So was I

Rosalie: *smacks Emmett*

Charlie: ...?

**Alice logged on**

Bella: Let me guess! You need my help making something.

Charlie: You caught me. *smiles sheepishly* Hey, maybe Alice could come over and help you.

Alice: You don't need to make up an excuse to have me come visit, Charlie.

Charlie: :)

Emmett: *cough*kiss up*cough*

Alice: *glares*

Bella: What were you thinking of making, Dad?

Charlie: Um, maybe something easy, like a salad.

Alice: Oh, you like salad? What kind of salad should we make?

Emmett: Tuna salad!

Jasper: Potatoe salad?

Alice: Fruit salad!

Emmett: An egg salad!

Edward: A taco salad?

Rosalie: A pasta salad?

Alice: A chicken salad!

Charlie: Um...a simple garden salad...would be fine.

Bella: I love croutons!

Alice: Ew, those little black things?

Charlie: Those are olives, Alice

Alice: Ok, so no olives!^^

Rosalie: He didn't say that

Alice: But he implied it. Let's go Bella!

**Alice logged off**

**Bella logged off**

**Charlie logged off**

Everyone: ...

Emmett: I don't think he implied it either

Jasper: That's my Alice :]

**Jasper logged off**

Emmett: So Rosalie, what are you doing tonight? Maybe we could get togther?

Edward and Rosalie: ?

Rosalie: What's with asking me out, Emmett?

Edward: He's attempting to show off his suave skills at romance.

Emmett: Hey, no thought reading! I'm trying to hook up with the beatiful lady.

Rosalie: *rolls eyes* What brought this on anyway?

Emmett: *looks deep into Rose's eyes* Your eyes sparkle like the sprinkles on a donut.

Rosalie: ...What? Honestly, Emmett, jeez.

**Rosalie logged off**

Emmett: Man, that line worked on the woman in the commercial.

Edward: Maybe you should keep away from TV pick up lines.

Emmett: No way, those are the best ones.

**Jacob logged on**

**Seth logged on**

Jacob: Where's Bella? !

Emmett: Making an olive-less salad, what's it to you- ...Bwahahahahaha!

Edward: *holds back laughter*

Jacob: It's. Not. Funny.

Emmett: What happened to you? Hahahaha

Seth: Bella's plan got to him.

Edward: Ah yes, Bella's evil schemes.

Emmett: I know how that feels... *looks at Jacob* Then again maybe not, hahahaha

Jacob: *glares angrily at nothing*

**Carlisle logged on**

Seth: Hey Doctor Cullen

Carlisle: Hello Seth, and Jacob-...

Everyone: ...

Carlisle: You look...good, Jacob.

Jacob: I can see that smile! Don't try and make me feel better, I know I look horrible bald!

Emmett and Edward: LOL

Carlisle: You don't look that bad Jacob... Did Bella do this?

Jacob: Yes!

Seth: *laughs* You should see him in his werewolf form

Edward: HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Jacob: Seth! You're showing him aren't you!

Seth: Sorry, Jake, but I couldn't help it-

Jacob: Stop thinking!

Emmett: Hey, hey, phase so I can see!

Jacob: Hell no!

Edward: Just imagine a hairless werewolf.

Emmett: *busts up laughing*

Carlisle: *is trying desperately not to laugh* Oh, um, I think I hear Esme calling me

**Carlisle logged off**

Jacob: -_- Stop laughing! You know what, Paul and Embry are gonna get it for helping her.

Emmett: Maybe you should buy a wig first, so they take you more seriously when they see you.

Seth: lol

Edward: And I thought I had it bad.

Jacob: What exactly did she do to you?

Emmett: Yeah

Edward: She told Charlie that I had agreed to eat dinner at their house because she was making me a special dinner for my "birthday"... It was a pretty decent sized feast...and I ate it.

Emmett: Disgusting! Wait, so that was you making all that noise last night? hahahahaha

Edward: *glares* Well I had to choke it all back out!

Jacob & Seth: o_o EW!

Jacob: I think I'm gonna be sick.

Edward: Not as sick as I am while looking at you.

Jacob: Filthy bloodsucker

Edward: Hairless canine

Jacob: That does it! Paul and Embry are getting it!

**Jacob logged off**

Seth: Oh, I gotta see this

**Seth logged off**

Emmett: My hot pink jeep looks awesome next to you and Jacob.

Edward: *angry face* Go search commercials for pick up lines.

**Edward logged off**

Emmett: Don't think I won't!...T_T

**Emmett logged off**

* * *

Now, I don't know if poor Jacob would actually be bald in his wolf form... But he is in this! :P


	11. oooooo, vampires

**Emmett logged on **

**Alice logged on **

**Angela logged on **

**Ben logged on**

Emmett: Alice! My sister!

Alice: Emmett! My brother!

Angela: Um...hi

Alice: Hello, Angela and Ben :)

Ben: Hey

Emmett: Sup?

Angela: Well, we're going to see a movie with our friends and we came on here to see if Bella wanted to go.

Emmett: What about us? Thanks a lot, Angela.

Angela: :o Did you want to go? You usually don't go, so we didn't think you would want to go. If you want to go, you can go.

**Edward logged on**

**Jasper logged on**

Alice: Angela and Ben are inviting us to the movies, guys.

Emmett: Yeah. You know, that place where they keep everbody clamped together in a small dark room with only one exit, only one way for everybody to escape, way down at the bottom? Just imagine the _temptation_...

Jasper: How nice of them *eye twitches*

Alice: I'll be right back. I'll go get Bella on.

**Alice logged off**

Ben: So can you guys go?

Edward: Well that depends. What kind of movie is it?

Ben: Horror. It's gonna be awesome!

Angela: =/

Jasper: What is it about?

Ben: It's about the most vicious and most dangerous monster the world of horror has ever enountered... Vampires!

Emmett: *screams*

Jasper: oooooo, vampires.

Edward: You mean those demons who rise from the very pits of hell?

Emmett: Who use their massive strength and unbeatable speed to become invincible when in battle? *flexes deadly muscles*

Edward: Who stay hidden in the shadows, patiently waiting for unsuspecting, innocent humans? *smirks evilly, showing his teeth*

Jasper: Who use their venomous fangs to drain the delicious blood from those humans? *has a dangerous air to him*

Angela and Ben: *instincts tell them to be afraid*

**Alice logged on**

**Bella logged on**

Angela and Ben: O_O

Alice: ...

Bella: What did you guys do to my friends?

Emmett: Nothing.

Edward: We just shared our knowledge on those indestructible,

Jasper: Terrifying, filthy bloodsucking,

Emmett: Monsters called...

*pauses for dramatic effect*

Emmett, Jasper, Edward: Vampires!

Emmett: dun dun dun

Alice and Bella: *looks at each other*

Angela: ...So...you'll go with us?

Jasper: o_o Definitely not!

Emmett: No way! Are you crazy? O_O

Edward: Vampires creep us out! O_o

**Jasper logged off**

**Emmett logged off**

**Edward logged off**

Bella: ...

Angela: ...Well, ok then. *mutters* They never seemed like the kind of guys who were afraid of horror movies though.

Alice: Well, looks can be decieving. We wouldn't want Emmett crawling into our parents' bed because of nightmares again.

Angela: That happened before? Recently? *looks surprised*

Alice: Oh yes, yes it did. And he accidentally kicked poor Carlisle off the bed. *shakes head sadly*

Ben: Uh, Ang, I don't think I want to go anymore...

**Ben logged off**

Angela: *sighs*

Bella: Sorry about Edward and his brothers, Angela.

Angela: Are you kidding? What a relief! I don't have to go now^^

Bella: So, I don't have to go either?

Angela: You can still go if you want, since others are going. If you like vampires and stuff.

Bella: No, I hate em.

Alice: *glares*

Angela: Talk to you later then :)

**Angela logged off**

Alice: So, Bella, now that we're alone, mind telling me-

Bella: Forget it, Alice. You'll just have to be surprised like Emmett, Edward, and Jacob were.

Alice: That's not fair! *bangs fist on desk, breaking it* Oops.

**Jacob logged on**

**Embry logged on**

Jacob: Man, I thought we'd never escape that thing.

Embry: Yeah, Quil's really going all out for Claire.

Jacob: More like going overboard

Embry: Honestly, who does that?

Bella: Who does what?

Alice: *trying not to laugh*

Jacob: Quil is... Alice, don't even think about laughing.

Alice: *looks serious* What, there's nothing to laugh at... xcept you with no hair! *giggles uncontrollably*

Bella and Embry: *are trying not to laugh with her*

Jacob: *glares* Don't forget, shortie, you're next.

Alice: *is serious all of a sudden* We shall see about that. *eyes Bella*

**Alice logged off**

Bella: So what is Quil doing?

Jacob: Quil made us go to a funeral for Claire's dead fish.

Bella: That's not so bad

Embry: We had to dress up and everything!

Jacob: Not to mention we each had to say something nice about it.

Bella: Oh... Well... :/

**Seth logged on**

Seth: Incoming!

**Quil logged on**

Jacob and Embry: Oh no.

Quil: Why did you guys leave?

-no one answers-

Quil: Claire needs you. Her goldfish just died! Do you have any idea what kind of affect that has on a young girl who doesn't know about death?

Seth: Um, actually, Claire is watching TV now. She doesn't seem to mind.

Quil: She likes to keep her feelings hidden.

Embry: She's 2 years old!

Quil: You guys were there when Claire picked out French Fry the fish, aren't you guys even going to say goodbye to him?

Jacob: Well...I don't see why. He didn't say goodbye to us.

Seth and Embry: *nods*

**Embry logged off**

**Jacob logged off**

**Seth logged off**

Quil: Well fine! I hope French Fry haunts you all!

Bella: It's OK, Quil. There are werewolves and vampires - I'm sure ghosts exist too.

Quil: Oh, hey Bella. You probably think I went overboard too, huh?

Bella: Not at all. I think it's sweet what you'll do for Claire.

Quil: *thinks about it* Really? Thanks!^^

Bella: No problem... But I could use your help with something.

Quil: Sure, anything.

Bella: Great! The Cullens are going hunting tomorrow and I need you to help me do something while they're out of town *evil grin*

Quil: *eyes Bella suspiciously* Ok...but why me?

Bella: Because Alice can't see you!

Quil: Oh. Oh! I got ya. *winks* I'll come over to your house tomorrow morning.

Bella: Perfect

**Bella logged off**

**Quil logged off**


	12. Clothes

**Edward logged on**

**Rosalie logged on**

**Emmett logged on**

**Jasper logged on  
**

**Carlisle logged on  
**

**Esme logged on**

-everyone looks at each other-

Emmett: Haha! Looks like Rose and I weren't the only ones who came home to a surprise, huh?

Esme: Emmett *shakes head* You could have at least _tried_ to look good.

Emmett: Saying I'm ugly, Esme? T^T

Jasper: Can you blame her?

Emmett: *glares*

Rosalie: So I'm guessing everyone noticed that our closets were, you know...redone.

**Alice logged on**

Alice: What do you mean your closets were redone? *eyes suspiciously*

-moment of silence-

Alice: *gasps* What in Dolce & Gabbana's name are you all wearing?

Edward: Clothes

Alice: They're hideous!

Emmett: Like Jasper's face

Alice: I thought I taught you all better than this! Rosalie! Jasper! You two should know better than anyone!

Jasper: Um, actually, Alice, this was the best I could find...

Alice: What do you mean? I stock our closet everyday!

Emmett: I don't see what the big deal is-

Alice: Of course you don't, you fashion disaster!

Emmett: O.o

Alice: Do I have to do everything myself? No one leave the house! I will pick your outfits out for you like little children!

**Alice logged off**

Edward: Well, at least it can't get much worse.

-there's a bloodcurdling scream in the background-

Edward: ...

Emmett: Ahahaha. Woohoo, it just got worse!

Rosalie: You're happy about that?

Emmett: I just like when Edward is wrong^^

Carlisle: Apparently Alice saw her newly stocked wardrobe.

Jasper: Ours is the worst one, too. *sighs*

**Alice logged on**

Alice: *extremely deadly face* What. Happened. To my clothes.

Everyone: O-O

Carlisle: Now, Alice, take a deep breath...

Alice: Not until I get my answers! And Jasper stop trying to calm me or I'll smack you, I will!

Jasper: T~T

Emmett: *snickers*

Rosalie: What do you think happened?

Alice: ...*extra angry face* BELLA!

Emmett: Personally I'm grateful. Look at this cool jacket she gave me. *puts on a bright red and salmon, cheetah patterned vest* Pretty cool huh? *wiggles eyebrows*

Alice: *eye twitches*

Edward: Er...you might want to take that off before Alice burns it while it's still on you.

Emmett: But i like it...and it turns Rose on.

Rosalie: o_o No, it definitely does not.

Emmett: *whispers* She's just in denial.

Alice: *picks up phone and dials a number*

Edward: Alice, don't-

Alice: Quiet, Edward! *hissssssssss*

Carlisle: She's calling Bella, isn't she?

Edward: Yes...

Emmett: Put it on speaker!

Alice: *puts it on speaker*

Emmett: Yeah!

Esme: Don't be too hard on her, Alice dear...

Alice: Sorry, Esme, but she's gonna get it.

Carlisle: No need to bite her head off, though.

Emmett: Literally :D

Edward: Not funny.

_-Bella: hello?_

Alice: Isabella Marie Swan, if you don't tell me what you did with my clothes I will devour that cute little kitty of yours!

Everyone: :O

_-Bella: *is speechless*_

Alice: Tell me, Bella!

_-Bella: Relax, Alice, I gave them away to charity._

Alice: *looks like she's about to have a panic attack*

Jasper: Uh, just think, Alice. Now we can go shopping for seven whole new wardrobes.

Esme: That's right. A shopping spree for the ages.

Carlisle: One for the record books, I'd say.

Rosalie: And I'm sure Bella would _love_ to join us, too.

_-Bella: ..._

Alice: *is calmed* Alright! That sounds like so much fun, doesn't it Bella?^^

_-Bella: Yeah, totally^^_

Alice: ... Why are you so enthusiastic about shopping all of a sudden?

_-Bella: I'm not excited about that *laughs*_

Alice: What did you do now, Bella? *angry face*

_-Bella: I just thought you would have noticed... No? Oh well *holds back laughter*_

Alice: Bella...what did you do? Why are you laughing?

_-Bella: Bye, Alice._

Alice: I'm not done with you yet!

_-Bella: I'm hanging up now, you can keep talking if you want to._

-Bella hangs up-

Alice: Grr!

**Alice logged off**

Emmett: lol That was entertaining!

Rosalie: Emmett, is that a bowl of popcorn in your hands?

Emmett: Why yes. Yes it is.

Rosalie: ...

Carlisle: *sighs* Well, lets hope Bella couldn't pull off anything bigger than emptying and refilling our closets with unfashionable clothing.

Jasper: I don't think she could top that anyway.

Emmett: Psh, '_unfashionable_'. I don't care what Alice does, I'm keeping this hat. *puts on an extremely tall, polka-dotted cowboy hat*

Rosalie: -_-

Esme: ...You worry me sometimes, Emmett. You really do.

**Alice logged on**

Alice: That does it, Edward! I'm shipping that girl off to the Volturi!

Emmett: LOL

Edward: I don't think so. I won't allow it.

Jasper: What did she do, Alice?

Alice: My credit cards, your credit cards, all the cash in the house, gone! It's all gone, gone, gone!

Emmett: Just like Bella will be

Alice: Exactly!

Edward: *glares at Emmett*

Carlisle: Alice, is that really any way to solve your problem-

Alice: She stole from us! This is completely stealing... *eyes flame* BELLA IS GOING DOWN!

**Alice logged off**

Edward: o_o I'm coming Bella!

**Edward logged off**

Rosalie: He better hope he gets there before she does.

Carlisle: Edward's fast. He'll most likely beat her to Bella.

Emmett: Hopefully a fight doesn't break out...*grins evilly*

Jasper: O_o I'm coming Alice!

**Jasper logged off**

Rosalie: Whatever. I just want decent clothes back.

**Rosalie logged off**

Carlisle: *sighs* And I have to get down to the hospital.

**Carlisle logged off**

Emmett: ...

Esme: ...

Emmett: 5 on Edward

Esme: 10 on Alice

Emmett: 15 on Edward!

Esme: 20 on Alice!

Emmett: 20 on Edward!

Esme: 21 on Edward!

Emmett: 21 on Alice!

Esme: Deal!

**Esme logged off**

Emmett: Yeah, she doesn't stand a chance...huh, wait...NO! Esme you tricked me! T_T *mumbles*she is being so mean to me today.

* * *

**Finally Bella's prank on Alice. I hope you liked it! Chapter 13 will be up as soon as it's finished...because putting it up before it's finished would be weird.**


	13. Red and Yellow

**Sorry it took so long to update. I do have other stories to tend to, you know. But I'm baaack! ^-^**

* * *

**Alice logged on  
**

**Bella logged on**

**Rosalie logged on  
**

**Emmett logged on  
**

**Jacob logged on  
**

**Jasper logged on**

Emmett: Yo everyone!

Alice: Emmett...

Emmett: What?

Alice: Red and yellow...

Emmett: Are primary colors?

Alice: ...do NOT go together that way!

Emmett: *looks down at clothes* Never?

Alice: Ever!

Jacob: What if he's working at McDonalds?

Alice: Why would a vampire be working at a fast food place?

Emmett: Why can't I work at McDonalds? O.o

Bella: Um, you don't eat.

Jacob: The employees don't eat while they work... Do they?

Emmett: I could work there if I wanted to. I want to work there now. Flippin' burgers and all that!

Rosalie: That's weird, Emmett.

Emmett: Why?

Jasper: It doesn't make sense.

Jacob: You know what else doesn't make sense? Bella having a pet cat.

Bella: What's wrong with my cat?

Jacob: Because, for the last time, you're a dog person!

Emmett: I thought she was a bat person O.o

Rosalie: ... Jacob, I don't know what made you so stupid, but stop sharing it with Emmett.

Jacob: *looks at her* I have a joke for you-

**Rosalie logged off**

Jacob: That's what I thought *smiles victoriously*

Emmett: You know, red and yellow are awesome colors. Like ketchup and mustard. Like apples and bananas. Like peanut butter and jelly.

Jasper: Peanut butter and jelly?

Emmett: Sorry, I was on a roll. And it kinda fits...if you think about it...really hard...

Bella: Now I'm hungry.

Jacob: For McDonalds.

Alice: Forget McDonalds! *glares at Emmett's outfit* Have you no sense of decency?

Emmett: Yes... It's a sense of fashion I lack.

Bella: Why did you even keep those clothes, Emmett? The joke is over. Alice restocked, didn't she?

Jasper and Emmett: She sure did...

Alice: *glares* What's with the faces?

Emmett: Well, I hid the clothes you brought me from Alice because I liked em...and they piss little miss fashion freak off, hahahaha

Alice: *death stare*

Jasper: *sighs* Emmett, just change.

Emmett: No, I'm not changing.

Alice: Why not? *pouts*

Emmett: I'm not whipped like Jazz *smirks*

_-In the background Rosalie screams: Emmett, get down here right now! -_

Emmett: O.o

**Emmett logged off**

Jasper and Jacob: *snickers*

Bella: I wonder what he did this time.

Jacob: Probably something ridiculous.

Jasper: Last time he blew up the batch of brownies Esme was making for Bella.

Alice: Those nasty brownies stunk up the whole house for days. I don't know how Emmett managed to get them all over the kitchen.

Jasper: His knack for having pranks backfire on him is just as bad as Bella's luck to pull in trouble.

Jacob: And that's pretty bad

Alice: Agreed

Bella: -_- Did we forget what happened the last time you all commented on my fortune?

Jacob and Alice: O.o

Alice: Jacob and Jasper said it!

**Alice logged off**

**Edward logged on**

Bella: Edward! ^-^

Edward: Hello, love

Jacob: *gags*

Edward: Is the mongrel choking? That would be fine with me.

Jacob: Hilarious. Didn't know leeches were such comedians.

Bella: Can't you two just be nice to each other?

Jacob and Edward: No.

Jasper: At least they agreed on something.

Bella: *sighs* It's all I can ask for, I guess.

Jacob: You can ask for more, Bella...*wiggles eyebrows suggestively*

Edward: *growls*

Jasper: Woah! Lust overboard! I have to get out of here before the passion boils over.

**Jasper logged off**

Bella: o.O Which one of you scared Jasper away with your...'passion' and "overboard of lust"?

Edward: If it was the 'passion' of murder, then that was me *still glaring at Jacob*

Bella: The "overboard of lust"?

Jacob: Guilty as charged ^-^

Bella: Gross, Jake

**Bella logged off**

Jacob: Great, you scared her away Leech.

**Jacob logged off**

-silence-

Edward: ...Bella come back T~T


	14. Cyber Fortune Cookies! XD

**Bella logged on**

**Edward logged on**

**Alice logged on**

**Jasper logged on**

**Rosalie logged on**

Bella: Hello my favorite vampires.

Edward: Hello my absolute favorite human.

Bella: -^_^-

Edward: So, does anyone happen to know why Emmett is thinking about filling out an application for McDonalds?

Jasper and Bella: ...

Rosalie: Tell me he isn't.

Edward: All right, he isn't. *doesn't sound convincing at all*

Rosalie: He better not be thinking that!

Edward: Oh, but he is.

Rosalie: Well...he better not actually do it!

Alice: Oh, but he will.

Rosalie: *irritated sigh*

Jasper: Questioning why you married him?

Rosalie: No... I married him because, idiotic ideas aside, I love him.

**Emmett logged on**

Emmett: Hey, Rose! I filled out two applications for McDonalds - one for me and one for _you_! Now we can work there together!^^

Rosalie: Then again, I've been wrong before -_-

Jasper and Edward: *snickers* Nice, bro.

Emmett: O.o What did I do?

**Jacob logged on**

Alice: Hey, check your e-mails everybody! I sent you all something. *jumps up and down excitedly*

-everyone checks their e-mail-

Jasper: Alice, what is-

Alice: Cyber fortune cookies! xD

Jacob: I love fortune cookies.

Alice: None for you *glares*

Jacob: T~T

Bella: You sent me two?

Alice: I sent everyone two^^

Emmett: I want to open one of mine first! *clicks open cookie* "_A sense of humor is one of your greatest assets_."

Jacob: You mean his _only_ asset

Emmett: Jealousy is a terrible thing, werewolf.

Jacob: Psh, jealousy-

Bella: That actually fits you pretty well, Emmett. *gives Jacob a "Behave!" glare*

Emmett: Of course it does! Fortune cookies know all, Bella.

Bella: *rolls eyes* We'll see... Edward open one of yours.

Edward: Ok..."_That special someone loves to see the light in your eyes_."

Bella: Wow, the fortunes really don't lie.

Edward: You like to see the light in my eyes, Bella? *stares happily at her*

Bella: y-yes... *-*

Edward: Oops.

Jacob: Not again. Stop dazzling her!

Edward: I never do it intentionally...most of the time. *smirks* Jealous because you can't do it, mutt?

Jacob: No! I can do it just fine, thank-you very much. *mumbles*Stupid arrogant leeches think everyone is jealous of them.

Alice: Open one of yours, Jazz. I want to know what you got!

Jasper: Like you don't already know.

Alice: Don't ruin the fun.

Jasper: "_You will be a good comfort to someone close to you_."

Alice: That's my Jasper ^-^

Bella: I could have predicted that one without Alice or the fortune cookie.

Jacob: Bells, you're back to normal!

Edward: Open one of yours, love.

Bella: All right..."_Be careful! Straight trees often have crooked roots_." O_o

Emmett: Lol, they're telling you to watch your feet, Bella, because we know how you are.

Bella: I didn't need a fortune cookie to warn me about that -_-

Jacob: No, no. It's telling her that a perfect looking tree-*glares at Edward*-isn't as perfect as it seems.

Edward: It's a good try, Jacob, but I already tried that approach to keep her away from me and it only drew her closer.

Bella: *shrugs* I trusted you.

Jacob and Edward: *sighs*

Jasper: I sent you two cookies, Alice.

Alice: fweeeeeeee! *clicks open a cookie* "_The stock market may be your ticket to success_."

Jasper: Well, we already figured that one out a while ago...

Alice: What a gyp!

Emmett: Rose, your turn!

Rosalie: "_You will soon achieve perfection_." ...This must be an old fortune. *opens second cookie* "_Someone is speaking well of you_."

Jacob: And they're lying.

Rosalie: *growls*

Alice: Actually, someone is...

Edward: *trying not to laugh*

Rosalie: What?

Alice: Emmett dropped off those applications earlier before he logged on, right? And, well, they're reading them over...

Rosalie and Emmett: ...

Alic: And you're going to get hired.

Emmett: Booyah!

Rosalie: Nooo!

Emmett: Isn't this great, Rose?

Rosalie: No.

Emmett: Now we can flip burgers together

Rosalie: No.

Emmett: take orders together

Rosalie: No!

Emmett: mess with people in the drive-thru together

Rosalie: Emmett, what part of me saying 'no' don't you understand?

Emmett: The part that means you disagree with me Y~Y

Bella: Hey, Jake, I sent you two cookies so you don't feel left out.

Jacob: Sweet! You're the best, Bells

Bella: Sure, sure

Jacob: "_You are well admired_." *nods head approvingly*

Rosalie: Now _that's_ a lie.

Jacob: Fortune cookies don't lie. Remember?

Edward: Well, that one has to be.

Emmett: Unfortunately Fido is right guys.

Jacob: Ha! In your faces!

Bella: No need to get cocky, Jake

Jacob: Can't help it. Natural leech defense.

Edward: Well then, open your other cookie Jacob. Lets see what _that_ one says.

Jacob: Fine! *reads it*... -_-

Edward: *smirks, then bursts out laughing*

Emmett: What? What is it?

Bella: What does it say?

Jacob: It says... *mumbles* "_Ignore previous cookie._"

Everyone: Hahahaha

Jacob: *glares at all of them*

Bella: I'm sorry, Jake *stifles a laugh*

Jacob: I don't like these stupid fortune telling cookies anyway.

**Jacob logged off**

**Carlisle logged on**

Rosalie: Ah, justice has been served.

Carlisle: Speaking of 'serving', why is McDonalds calling to speak with Emmett and Rosalie?

Emmett: They're on the phone?

Carlisle: Yes

Emmett: Woo!

**Emmett logged off**

Rosalie: I'm going to end up throwing him through a wall one day.

**Rosalie logged off**

**Carlisle logged off**

Jasper: I hope I'm there to watch.

Edward: Same.

Alice: We each still have one more cookie.

Bella: Oh yeah... "_A refreshing change is in your future_."

Alice: Yep, you're gonna be one of us-

Edward: *shoots Alice a look*

Alice: Well, it's not like she doesn't already know. Stop being such a grump!

Bella: Yeah, Edward!

Jasper: Yeah, Ed-ward!

Edward: *glares at Jasper*

Jasper: *looks innocent*

Alice: OK, my turn! ... "_Important events are in your future_." *glares at cookie* Don't tell me what's in my future! These cookies think they know everything!

Bella: I can't imagine what that must be like.

Alice: What are you implying exactly- *gets vision* Oh dear...

Jasper: What is it, Alice?

Alice: Rose is about to throw Emmett out the window-

Edward and Jasper: I can't miss this!

**Edward logged off**

**Jasper logged off**

Alice: -Esme won't be pleased... But Emmett's face will be priceless!

Bella: Wait, don't leave-

**Alice logged off**

Bella: -me... -_-

-silence-

Bella: Oh well, at least I still have Ghost^^

Ghost: meow (_I plan on running away tomorrow_)

Bella: I love you too! *hugs*

* * *

**Ah, fortune cookies. I collect them, so all the fortunes I used in this chapter I picked out randomly from a jar, lol. I tried to make them work in the story. Hope I succeeded. And, yes, I actually got a fortune that said "Ignore previous cookie." I got one that said "Do not upset the penguin today", too (whatever that meant). I also got a blank fortune...twice. One time all I got was a cookie, no fortune at all. And another time my bag didn't even come with a cookie, when everybody else's did! Clearly, my future is nonexistent, or it's so unpredictable the cookies can't keep up. xD**


	15. Ba Da Ba Ba Ba!

**Alice logged on**

Alice: *waits patiently*

**Edward logged on**

Alice: I knew you were coming on!

Edward: That's...great, Alice. Have you seen Bella?

Alice: Sure have ^.^

Edward: ...

Alice: ^-^

Edward: Well, where is she?

Alice: Who?

Edward: Bella!

Alice: Oh, I don't know.

Edward: What do you mean you don't know? Look for her!

Alice: Where would you like me to start?

Edward: How about I go fetch you your crystal ball? *is irritated*

Alice: That won't be necessary. I have a magic 8 ball ^-^

Edward: *sighs* You're trying to annoy me, aren't you?

Alice: You catch on pretty fast for a mind reader, huh?

**Esme logged on **

**Jasper logged on**

Edward: Esme, Carlisle was looking for you earlier.

Esme: Oh I know. But I had gone with Charlie and Bella to McDonalds earlier.

Jasper, Edward, & Alice: O.o Why?

Esme: I wanted to check up on my children.

Jasper: And how were they doing?

Esme: Well...

Edward and Alice: *snickers*

_-Esme's Flashback-_

Charlie: Hey, look who it is!

Rosalie: -_- *is bored* What may I get you three today?

Emmett: Bella! Esme! Chief Swan!

Manager: No! *smacks Emmett's head* No, socialize. Work, work, work!

Emmett: *straightens and salutes manager* Yes, Ma'am!

Bella: Emmett's the cook?

Rosalie: More or less...*smiles knowingly* Sure you still want to order?

Bella: Er... Just a cheeseburger, Rose.

Charlie: And I'll get a number 5, with a diet coke.

Esme: Nothing for me, dear

-a few moments later while waiting for their food, Emmett is heard-

Emmett: Brace yourself, oh mighty rat! No flesh shall be spared! No tail unscathed!

-there's loud banging in the kitchen-

Everyone in McDonalds: o_O

Rosalie: *whispers sharply* Emmett? What are you doing?

-Emmett appears-

Emmett: No worries, Rose. I killed that little sucker! Though, where he landed I'm not quite sure... He kinda flew everywhere.

Bella: Er...ew. Cancel my order, Rosalie!

_-End Flashback-_

Esme: All the customers left after that...

Edward, Jasper, and Alice: *all trying not to laugh*

**Rosalie logged on**

Edward: *smirks* How was work?

Rosalie: Wipe that smile off your face before I brutalize you until the laws of Physics are violated!

Edward: o_o

Jasper: That bad huh?

Esme: How was Emmett after I left?

Rosalie: He got kicked out of the kitchen, and moved to the cashiers with me...

Alice: You don't seem too happy about that.

Rosalie: He was irritating. Trying to find ways to use slogans from ads and TV shows all day.

_-Rosalie's Flashback-_

Customer Kelsey: How good would you say the Quarter Pounders are?

Emmett: Finger lickin' good.

/

Another employee: Are you sure you can handle it, Emmett?

Emmett: Sure thing! It's so easy a caveman could do it.

/

Customer Randy: Is something from our order missing?

Emmett: Hmm *looks over reciept* Got milk? *subtle thumbs up to Rosalie*

Rosalie: *rolls eyes at his cheesy attempts*

/

Emmett: Ready to order?

Customer Steven: Hmm...

Emmett: Need a moment?

Steven: *nods*

Emmett: Grab a Twix!

/

Emmett: *as he's bagging someone's order, he suddenly looks up at them* Are you in good in hands?

Customers: ?

Rosalie: *sighs*

/

Emmett: Here ya go

Customer Monica: Thank-you.

Emmett: Live long and prosper!

Monica: You...too... *walks away confused*

/

Emmett: *yells randomly to a little kid carrying an ice cream cone* It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!

_-End Flashback-_

Rosalie: *shakes head, embarrassed*

Alice: I'm guessing you're not going back?

Rosalie: I am never going anywhere near a McDonalds ever again. Besides, Emmett got us fired...

_-Another Flashback-_

Manager: Why all people who enter driv-thru leave without paying and getting food? *glares*

Emmett: Well, I have some good news and some bad news... The bad news is I tend to scare them away and now they're all headed to Burger King...

Manager: And. good. news? *is seething with anger*

Emmett: The good news is I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico ^.^

Manager: ...

Emmett: ^-^

Manager: You're fired!

Emmett: Is that your final answer?

Manager: *glares*

Emmett: Have it your way.

-Emmett and Rosalie leave McDonalds-

Rosalie: I can't believe I actually stayed here all day...

Emmett: I can't believe it's not butter!

Rosalie: *smacks Emmett*

Emmett: Ouch. Don't be mad, Rose, I got us fired for you.

Rosalie: ...

Emmett: Q~Q

Rosalie: *sighs and kisses him*

Emmett: Ba da ba ba ba! I'm lovin it!

_-End Rosalie's Flashback-_

Edward: Hehe, told you he'd get fired. Pay up.

Jasper: *groans*

**Emmett logged on**

Emmett: Let's do that again some time, Rose.

Rosalie: Not ever, Emmett.

Emmett: Suit yourself. That was the best job I ever had!

Esme: I'm glad you enjoyed yourself, dear

Jasper: So what was better? Working in the kitchen, or working at the cashiers?

Emmett: *smirks evilly* Neither. The best was working in the drive-thru.

_-Emmett's Flashback-_

Emmett: Yo, welcome to McDonalds! What can I get for you today?

Customer Suzy: Hi. Can I get a number 2 with a Sprite?

Emmett: No, you can't.

Suzy: ...Huh?

Emmett: You can't have that.

Suzy: Oh...uh... Can I get a number 3?

Emmett: No.

Suzy: A number 4?

Emmett: Difinitely not.

Suzy: 5?

Emmett: No

Suzy: 6?

Emmett: Nuh-uh

Suzy: 7?

Emmett: Nope

Suzy: ... A number 2?

Emmett: Alright!^^

Suzy: O_o

/

Customers in the car: *orders food*

-silence-

Customers in the car: ...?

Emmett: *breathes heavily into headset*

Customers in the car: ... o_o *drives quickly away*

/

Emmett: ...

Customer Maddie: *is staring confused at the quiet speaker box* ...Um... Hello?

Emmett: RAWR!

Madison: *screams and speeds away, zooming right over a centerpiece in the middle of the drive-thru*

Emmett: Fine! I don't like you either!

/

Emmett: May I help you?

Customer Larry: Yes, I would like a McChicken sandwich and a baked apple pie...

Emmett: OK-

Larry: No, actually make that a vanilla ice cream cone...

Emmett: So a-

Larry: Wait, actually change that to a fruit-n-yogurt parfait

Emmett: So you want-

Larry: Hold on...

Emmett: -_-

Larry: Make it a hot fudge sundae.

Emmett: *gets idea* What do you mean there is no lunch today?

Larry: No, a hot fudge sundae!

Emmett: Well, I don't know if it's going to be hot on sunday. Who do I look like? The weather man?

Larry: No- Ok fine, I change it to a McFlurry.

Emmett: A what?

Larry: A McFlurry!

Emmett: Don't tell me to hurry!

Larry: You know what? Just forget it! *drives away*

Emmett: *smiles victoriously*

/

Customer Shawn: I want two big macs, a Big-N-Tasty, a Filet-o-Fish, two large orders of fries, two Strawberry Sundaes, nine piece chicken McNuggets, four baked apple pies, a Quarter Pounder w/ cheese, three piece chicken selects, three large diet Cokes, a chocolate shake, and a hazelnut iced coffee.

Emmett: Will that be all...?

Shawn: Yes

Emmett: Well, congratulations! You just bought out McDonalds!

Shawn: Excuse me?

Emmett: Don't eat it all at one time. We would hate to be sued if all the weight you'll gain busts your car the next time you go to sit in the driver's seat...

Shawn: What- It's not all for me! Why the heck would I eat all that? I am ordering for a group of people, not just myself!

Emmett: Oohh, well aren't you a smartass.

Shawn: How dare you, you good for nothing high school drop-out!

Emmett: Oh yeah? Well...well...I don't like your shirt!

Shawn: Where's your manager?

Emmett: Looking for a new job now that you put us out of business, taking all our food.

Shawn: This is ridiculous service. I'm coming in there! *drives toward a parking space*

Emmett: eep.

-Emmett gets smacked-

Emmett: HEY!

Manager: *is glaring*

Emmett: o_o oh...hi =3

_-End Flashback-_

Jasper, Alice, and Edward: Hahahahaha

Emmett: *smiles proudly* Told you it was awesome.

Esme: Emmett... *shakes head disapprovingly*

Edward: Hahaha. I'm going to go find Bella. She'll love this story.

**Edward logged off**

Rosalie: Ugh. I have to get out of here for a while.

Esme: Well, would you mind coming with me to that art gallery? I was looking for a new painting for the dining room.

Rosalie: Sure.

**Rosalie logged off**

**Esme logged off**

Alice: Hmm... Oh! Oh! I see the perfect painting!...And they're going to skip over it, nooooo! We gotta go help them, Jazz!

**Alice logged off **

**Jasper logged off**

Emmett: Thanks for saying good-bye... I'll just sit here then...all alone. And talk to myself...all alone.

**Bella logged on**

Emmett: Bella! My new best friend!

Bella: Edward!

Emmett: What? I give you the highest honor - being my best friend - and you go and insult me by calling me Edward?

Bella: Um, sorry. Have you seen Edward?

Emmett: Yes but he left somewhere - which might have been your house - to find someone - who might have been you. Why? What's up?

Bella: Emmett, something is wrong with Ghost but I don't know what it is.

Emmett: Don't worry, Bella. Fortunately for you I am fluent in cat.

Bella: Well, talk to him then *holds up the kitty*

Emmett: *clears throat* OK...meeow meomeow meow _(how are monkies fly in triangles)_

Ghost: Meow meow _(Moronic vampire)_

Emmett: :O meoow meow meow _(Don't call me moronic, ya little fur-ball!)_

Ghost: O.o _(You really can speak cat!)_

Emmett: _(that's right!)_

Bella: What is he saying?

Emmett: He wants a bath...

Ghost: *glares* _(You dare attempt to put me through torture?)_

Emmett: ...A bubble bath, he says.

Ghost: _(I shall destroy you if you continue! Do you hear me?)_

Emmett: And he wants to make daily visits with the werewolves.

Bella: Really?

Ghost: _(No, he's lying! Don't listen to the ogre!)_

Bella: That doesn't sound like something Ghost would want...

Ghost: (_You are so right, my wonderful human. I knew I didn't run away for a reason.)_

Emmett: But that's what he told me, Bella. He has plans to run away if you don't give him what he wants...

Bella: *gasps* But I love him! T~T

Ghost: _(I will not! I would not dare leave this human girl. She has been nothing but good to me.)_

Emmett: Well, then bubble baths and visits to LaPush are on your to-do list.

Ghost: _(I will sick my minions after you, vampire, mark my words...)_

Emmett: (_Oh no... O.O not an angry mob of fluffy, evil kitties. Every vampire's worst nightmare!)_

Ghost: _(I hope you choke on your sarcasm and die.)_

Emmett: xD You're cat is the best, Bella.

Ghost: _(You are scum to me!)_

Emmett: I'm so glad I didn't eat him that one time, and I was so close too-

Bella: What? *glares*

Emmett: Oops... Uh, I think I hear Rosalie calling me

Bella: She's with Es-

Emmett: Gotta go!

**Emmett logged off**

Bella: How dare he! Did he do that to you, Ghost?

Ghost: *nods head and has sad kitty face*

Bella: Oh, don't worry! *hugs* I'll get him!

Ghost: _(Yes... Get him! Mwahahahaha*cough*hahaha*coughs*...*chokes* Hairball! HAIRBALL!)_

* * *

**That was a long one. :D I wasn't sure about the chapter being about Rosalie's and Emmett's Mcdonalds experience, but I decided to go with it anyway (a gut feeling, if you will). So what did you think of it? Funny? Not so much? I'd like to knoooww. :]**


	16. And ACTION!

**Bella logged on**

**Edward logged on**

**Emmett logged on**

**Alice logged on**

Alice: Let's get the camera rolling!

Emmett: Sweet!

Bella: You're making a film?

Edward: Carlisle just bought a video camera because Esme said she wanted home videos.

Emmett: And we're the stars, baby!

Alice: Doesn't that sound like fun, Bella?

Bella: Sure. Ok.

Alice: *records her* I need more enthusiasm than _that_, Bella.

Emmett: Like this...*clears throat* HELL YEAH THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN! HOME MOVIES FEATURING THE CULLENS ROCK SO HARD THAT THEY KNOCK CHUCK NORRIS OUT!

Alice: *squeals* That was perfect!

Edward: *laughs*

Alice: Ok, so lets keep the mood like that... Action!

**Rosalie logged on**

Emmett: Woooooo! *whistles at Rose* Dayum girl!

Rosalie: Emmett, what are you doing?... Though I can hardly blame you for your reaction. *flips golden hair over her shoulder*

Edward: *rolls eyes*

Rosalie: *glares at Edward*

Emmett: Oh, don't be mad at him, babe. He just wishes he had silky, beautiful hair like yours.

Rosalie: I think you're right.

Bella: Somehow I can't see Edward with those blonde locks.

Emmett: I can...*bursts out laughing*

Edward: Tasteful picture, Emmett -_-

Alice: Cut! Excellent! Good development of character! ^.^

Rosalie: You were recording?

Bella: Alice, they're home movies. They're not at all like making _real_ movies-

Alice: Save your words for someone who doesn't know what you're about to say, you reality-denying assassin!

Emmett: Hey, that can be her character's screen name! *dramatic voice* - The Reality Assassinator!

Bella: Nah, I don't like it.

Rosalie: Well we can't always get what we want now can we? ... I want to be the Goddess of Eternal Beauty.

Emmett: You got it, babe!

Bella: What? That's no fair! Her name should be the Delusional Hypocrite!

Edward: *smirks* And Emmett can be the Brainless Glory Monger

Emmett: Hey! Everyone has a right to be brainless if they want to be.

Edward: Yes, but, like so many others, you abuse that privilege.

Emmett: That does it! Get him, Rose!

Rosalie: o.O

Alice: Oooo, this is good stuff. Imagine us watching this again in a hundred years... But it needs more feeling...and more love - Esme would like that.

Emmett: I ain't loving that guy *points manacingly at Edward*

Alice: Then love Rosalie.

Rosalie: Yes, then love Rosalie *smiles brightly*

Emmett: Okay!

Everyone: ...

Emmett: ...What do I do?

Rosalie: *death stare*

Emmett: o-O

Edward: *laughs* Smooth, Emmett. Very smooth.

Alice: *sighs and stops recording* Look! I can't make a movie if you four don't cooperate! Understand?

Everyone: Yes, Director Alice.

Alice: Good, now show me your passion for each other. Bella first. And...ACTION!

Bella: O.o

Alice: Cut! Cut! Cut! What the hell kind of a face is O.o?

Bella: Uh...

Emmett: *whispers* I think that was a rhetorical question. Don't answer it! It'll make you look stupid... Trust me, it said so on Wikipedia, and that stuff is LEGIT.

Bella: ?

Alice: We need more _emotion_!

Rosalie: We aren't even supposed to "act" in home movies.

Edward: Yeah. You're just supposed to film our everyday lives and hope something exciting or funny is caught on tape.

Alice: What are you all trying to say exactly?

Emmett: I don't think they're willing to cooperate.

Alice: Well I have a way of changing that. *yells from her room* - Jasper, sign on!

-silence-

**Jasper logged on**

Alice: *smirks evilly* Lust em, Jazz!

Everyone: O.O

Bella: Wait! ok! ok!

Edward: We'll work with you Alice, calm down.

Rosalie: No need to bring in Jasper.

Jasper: Yes. Fear me. Mwahahahahahahahahahahaha ahahahahaha ahahaha!

Alice: Jazz, you're scaring me.

Jasper: o.o sorry

Alice: Don't be. It was creepy, convincing, and very real. That's exactly what I'm looking for. I knew I could count on you to show up our siblings here! ^-^

Jasper: -^_^-

Emmett: Psh. _'Show up our siblings'_, HA! I bet I can make a better home movie than him!

Jasper: Is that a challenge?

Emmett: Only if you feel threatened *smirks*

Jasper: Alright then. Lets see how this plays out. You get the camera first.

Emmett: OK

**Jasper logged off**

**Emmett logged off**

Alice: Aw, I don't get to play with the camera anymore.

**Alice logged off**

Edward: Hmm...Emmett plans on heading over to you, Bella.

Bella: What? *groans*

**Bella, Edward, and Rosalie logged off**

_-later that day-_

**Rosalie logged on**

**Alice logged on**

**Emmett logged on**

Emmett: Rose, save me!

Rosalie: From what?

Alice: It doesn't matter, you can't help the poor boy now.

Emmett: Don't tell her who she can and cannot help!

Rosalie: I trust Alice.

Emmett: Don't! Psychics like to mess with people's heads. Espcially the eccentric, miniature, vampire types.

**Bella logged on**

**Edward logged on**

Edward and Bella: *glaring at Emmett*

Emmett: ... Hi =3

Rosalie: *sighs* What happened now?

Emmett: They're just grumpy about my video.

Rosalie: What did you film?

Emmett: I filmed a Romance.

_-Emmett's Flashback-_

Emmett: *is filming Ghost in Bella's back yard* Here is the most famous species of cat: the Ghost. Members of this species are very rare to find, and even harder to capture...which is why only Bella has managed to lure one straight to her house. *zooms in on Ghost* Lets see if it will honor us with it's words of wisdom.

Ghost: *turns head away from Emmett* _((You are dead to me.))_

Emmett: Interesting choice of words. Could you face me and repeat that?

Ghost: _((If you were not so hideous I would consider it.))_

Emmett: The wild house rat was dumb enough to insult the mighty Emmett. It's stupidity is fascinating...

Bella: Emmett?

Emmett: *focuses camera on Bella, and narrates quietly* Examine this creature if you will audience...the only living relative of the sloth.

Bella: You're lucky you're a million times stronger than I am or I'd smack you.

Emmett: Oh! It speaks in a strange tongue!

Bella: *rolls eyes*

Emmett: Actually, watching your hand break would be hilarious, especially Edward's reaction later! We need to get that on film. Does your fanged fur-ball know how to use a camera?

Ghost: *hiss*

Bella: I don't think my 'fanged fur-ball' likes you.

Emmett: Well I don't see what his problem is.

Bella: Hmm, let's see...maybe it's because you tried to eat him!

Emmett: So! Jasper tried to eat you and no one holds it against _him_!

-Jasper randomly walks by-

Jasper: That's different.

Emmett: What? You racist!

Ghost: _((ha. ha. haa. ha. haa. haaa.))_

Bella: *sighs* If you're trying to beat Jasper's home video why are you recording me of all people?

Emmett: You're Edward's little human. Who lures in danger and trips over nothing and befriends strange creatures and blushes... Something is bound to happen, and I'm going to be here ready for it.

Bella: hmph

-Minutes go by and nothing has happened-

Emmett: ... We need to liven this place up. Hmm... *scoots closer to Ghost when Bella's not looking*

Ghost: o.O _((Stay back you stupid evolved-monkey!))_

Emmett: *pretends to look around the yard, whistling innocently*

Ghost: _((I'm watching you...))_

Emmett: _((Well watch this!))_ *quickly throws Ghost high into the air, and runs back to his filming spot*

Ghost: Meeeooooowwwwww!

Bella: Huh? What's wrong- OMG! Ghost!

Emmett: *is recording again, narrating in a boring tone of voice* The white cat jumps from the trees. He thinks he can fly... Can he? *Ghost starts falling* Oh no...he can't. Let this be a lesson to all of those who dare test out their flying abilities without first securing themselves to a bungee cord in case their power fails.

Bella: Omg! *runs around trying to catch him* Omg! Omg!

Emmett: Two questions with debatable answers shall be resolved in this episode of EHV (Emmett's Home Videos). One - can Bella Swan actually have the coordination it takes to catch her beloved pet?

Bella: I'm gonna save you, Ghost, Don't worry- *does face plant into ground*

Emmett: Answer: negative. Next question - do all cats _really_ land on their feet everytime? Lets watch.

Ghost: *is freefalling* Meeeeeooooooooooowww!

Edward: *catches Ghost* Emmett, you're dead!

Emmett: o.O What a treat! An Edward has suddenly appeared, stating the obvious that I am dead - what an odd species.

Edward: *growls fiercely*

Emmett: O.O *runs into the forest* Oh god. He's after me. HE'S AFTER MEEEE! *screams*

-camera gets disconnected-

_-End Emmett's Flashback-_

Rosalie: The hell, Emmett? I thought you said you filmed a romance?

Emmett: Well _I_ fell in love with what I recorded *pouts*

Alice: Wait, you speak cat?

Emmett: Don't you?

Alice: No, but I sure want to learn!

Rosalie: When did you learn how to speak cat anyway?

Emmett: During one of our honeymoon trips to Africa.

Everyone: ...

Emmett: Don't judge me!

**Jasper logged on**

Alice: Jazz! Ready to film your video?...You have a pretty good chance at winning.

Emmett: *glares*

Jasper: Yes, I'm ready. But I want all of you in it.

Rosalie: Good. It's about time someone understands I belong in the spotlight.

Everyone: ...

Rosalie: ...And Esme would love to see all of us together.

Edward: *nods* She would.

Bella: So what should we do?

Emmett: Oh sure, help _him_ out. Everyone loves the strong, silent types...*sniffles* Loud, funny guys can be sensitive, too *mopes in a corner*

Jasper: We should also include Esme and Carlisle in my video.

Rosalie: We should surprise them.

Emmett: Let's run straight at them as maniacal vampires (and one human)! *goes back to moping in a corner*

Alice: That'll actually work *is excited*

Edward: Yeah, but we need something more...

Jasper: Hmm. What we need is a battle cry.

Bella: How do we come up with that?

Edward: Just think of something you would yell out before charging into a fight.

Emmett: Oh, you mean like, "Not in the eye! Not in the eye!"

Everyone: ...

Emmett: Yelled that once during a food fight. Remember, Rose?

Rosalie: *mumbles* Unfortunately

Bella: And...what did that get you?

Emmett: Well, it just made me the next target for flying food...*shrugs* But at least I didn't get hit in the eye ^-^

Alice: Well, I think it lacks 'oomph'

Emmett: Who needs 'oomph'!

Bella: How about, "Retreat!"

Everyone: ?

Bella: See? It will confuse the enemy, or in this case Carlisle and Esme.

Alice: No, no, what we need is something like..."Spork!"

Everyone: What?

Alice: Spork.

Bella: I don't get it.

Alice: Spork!

Edward: Maybe we should have something like a narrative piece.

Emmett: Yeah, yeah. Like, "Hark, who is that I see sprinting over the tundra? It is the mighty Emmett, indestuctible and-

Edward: -deranged. There he goes, flailing across the field, away from-

Bella: -an army of corrupt vampire-eating grizzly bears, hurdling-

Jasper: -burnt marshmallows at him. He turns and charges with a-

Rosalie: -sexy grin on his face, as he clutches a-

Alice: -spork! *giggles uncontrollably*

Emmett: Hmm...that sounds plausible *nods*

Jasper: Great! We have our plan, now let's do it! ...Minus the narrating thing.

Emmett: And if an army of corrupt vampire-eating grizzlies start chasing me I'm feeding them Bella

Bella: o.o But they eat vampires...

**Everyone logged off**

* * *

**I had a lot of fun writing this chapter, and I hope it was just as fun to read for all of you! I will update as soon as I can ^-^**


	17. SMILE!

**Bella logged on**

**Emmett logged on**

**Jasper logged on**

Jasper: Admit it, Em, my home video kicked your home video through the center of the earth and out the other side.

Emmett: Hell no! Yours was good, but mine was waaayyy better. Did you see the look on that stupid cat's face. Ahahahahaha! Not to mention Bella's and Edward's!

Bella: That is not funny Emmett Cullen! *growls fiercely*

Emmett: o-O ... Wait, when did you learn to growl?

Bella: Edward taught me last night.

Emmett: Oh… That's right. You two don't have anything better to do once that sun goes down, huh? *snickers*

Bella: Look who's talking Mr. I-go-on-a-honeymoon-with-Rose-and-have-nothing-better-to-do-except-learn-the-language-of-cats!

Emmett: :O Oh no you didn't just go there!

Jasper: I think she did.

Emmett: Well I hope you get washed away by the rain.

Bella: Well I hope you die in a fire.

Emmett: That's the only way I can die. Lame.

Jasper: What do you say to that, Bella?

Bella: I say... Wrap up them corn cakes and stick em in the oven!

Emmett and Jasper: o_O

Bella: *looks around* What?... I was talking to Charlie.

Emmett: Yeah, sure. I can't have a battle of the wits with a crazy person.

Jasper: Nonsense! A crazy person against a brainless one? It's a perfect challenge.

Emmett: What are you trying to say?

Jasper: That my home video is better than yours :)

Emmett: It was not. Esme liked mine better, she said.

Jasper: That's because she didn't want to hurt your feelings, you know Esme.

Emmett: I'm not believing you T^T

**Jacob logged on**

**Alice logged on**

Alice: I vote Jasper's video won.

Emmett: Of course you do. You're a cheap mate!

Jasper: You're just jealous that Rosalie liked mine better, too.

Emmett: She only liked it better because she was in it.

Jasper: You should have thought about that before you started filming yours. Again, brainless.

Emmett: Hmph, your just making excuses.

Jasper: Think about it. Who would you rather watch? Bella? Or Rosalie?

Emmett: Rose all the way!... Oh. Maybe filming Bella was a mistake... The only audience I would get is Edward... *looks at Jacob*...and maybe a werewolf... That sucks.

Bella: *glares* If annoyed any further I will poke out your eyes with this here Twizzler!

Jacob: Wow, Bells... So, I heard about your home movies and how Emmett almost killed Bella's cat.

Emmett: Ahahaha!

Bella: *holds up Twizzler*

Emmett: :x

Jacob: What exactly happened with Jasper's video though?

Jasper: It went like this...

_-Jasper's flashback-_

Emmett: To the fortress!

Jasper: We don't have a fortress.

Emmett: To the house!

Edward: Good alternative.

Alice: Ok, I set up the camera at the perfect angle. No matter what we do it will catch their reactions perfectly. And it will be easy for one of us to grab it and film from a different spot if necessary.

Bella: I thought we knew what we were going to do and everything would go according to plan?

Edward: Some people in this family like to make quick, spontaneous decisions that force our plans to change.

*everyone looks at Emmett*

Emmett: *looks at everyone* ... We should all have code names. I'll be Master Muscle.

Jasper: That's not really necessary-

Emmett: You can be Colonel Scars.

Jasper: -_-

Alice: Quick, to our stations! Esme and Carlisle will be here in a matter of seconds.

-everyone scatters-

Emmett: Attention all units. Mama bird and Papa bird are heading toward the nest.

Rosalie: And when did we turn into birds?

Alice: I wanna be a pigeon!

Bella: I think Jasper's the pigeon, since he's a soldier and they used pigeons to help during the wars.

Alice: *pouts*

Jasper: You can be a dove, Alice.

Alice: I'm a dove! ^o.o^

Edward: Bella can be a swan.

Rosalie: Very creative, Edward. Come up with that all by yourself?

Edward: Yes! *pouts defensively*

Emmett: Rose can be a…flamingo!

Rosalie: I refuse to be a bir-… A FLAMINGO?

Emmett: Er...yeah.

Rosalie: Out of all the birds on the planet, you come up with flamingo?

Emmett: Well, look how long your legs are, babe- and you wear pink a lot...sometimes.

Rosalie: A flamingo?

Emmett: Well...I think flamingos are...uh...sexy? =]

Rosalie: *glares*

Alice: What did you expect coming from Emmett, Rosalie?

Rosalie: Right - *sarcasm alert* - lets not strain his imagination.

Emmett: o.O I don't get it. What's wrong with flamingos?

Jasper: I think Emmett is a seagull.

Emmett: No way! Why?

Bella: Because you're loud.

Edward: Because you never shut up.

Alice: Because you're annoying.

Jasper: Because you steal other people's food. *glares accusingly*

Emmett: That was _one_ time!

Edward: Ssh, they can hear that we're arguing…though it doesn't surprise them.

Emmett: Well I bet this will surprise them. *grabs Ghost*

Ghost: Meow! _((Foul beast!))_

Emmett: _((Just sit Mr. Hiss))_ *places him at top of staircase, then hides behind the corner*

Bella: What is he doing?

Alice: See? This is not what we planned!

Edward: Improvise, Alice.

Alice: Don't tell me what to do!

Rosalie: Edward has a superiority complex.

Edward: *mumbles* I'm not the only one.

Rosalie: :3

Jasper: Sshh

Alice: *giggles*

-Carlisle and Esme enter the house, pausing as they see Bella's cat sitting at the top of the staircase just staring at them with wide eyes-

Carlisle and Esme: ?

Ghost: meow meow _((Your confused. Well so am I!))_

Carlisle and Esme: …

Ghost:_ ((I am trying to cooperate but your freak of a son is trying to... Well, I dont know what he's trying to do, but I resent every bit of it.))_

Esme: Carlisle, I think that cat is talking to us.

Carlisle: Yes...

Ghost: _((Your giant, pea-brained child is a vile sasquatch! I hope you know that.))_

Emmett: RAWR! *charges at Ghost in a fit of rage*

Carlisle and Esme: O_O

Emmett: *lifts Ghost over his head, roaring like a maniac* DON'T TALK ABOUT EDWARD LIKE THAT!

Ghost: meeooooow! _((Put me down this instant, you giant ape!))_

Esme: *hides behind Carlisle* I think he's possessed, dear. We better get out of here.

Carlisle: Agreed

-they run out of the house-

Alice: SUUUEEEYYY!

-Alice jumps onto Carlisle's back, wearing a cowgirl outfit-

Alice: Piggy back ride! Kiddi-up ^.^

Emmett: What! *comes raging out of house, throwing Ghost off to side* That's not fair, Carlisle. I always knew she was your favorite, and you are not allowed to do that! *Emmett jumps on Alice's back*

Carlisle: My god, what have you two been eating?

Emmett: Calling me fat, Carlisle? *angry face*

Jasper: *from somewhere in the house* Grizzlies do tend to weigh in the calories.

Emmett: What? *is truly surprised by this news* How come nobody ever told me?

Alice: We figured you'd realize soon enough, once Rose begins to lose, you know, desire for you.

Emmett: O_O *looks for Rosalie*

Rosalie: ...*smirks mischievously and shrugs*

Emmett: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *jumps off Carlisle and grabs his shoulders* Quick, what animals do we eat when on a diet?

Carlisle: Emmett, I dont think-

Emmett: This is an emergency, Carlisle! *starts shaking him*

Alice: *still on Carlisle's back* fweeee-eeeee-ee-ee-eeeee-eeee

Esme: Our children have lost it...

Edward: *appears* Lost what?

Esme: *jumps* Oh! Jeez...

Rosalie: *laughs like a maniacal woman as she comes around the house*

Esme: Rosalie, not you too!

Edward: Don't worry about her, she has always been crazy.

Rosalie: -_- Crazy? ... *grabs Edward by shirt collar* I prefer "unbalanced"!

Edward: That does you no justice!

Bella: This madness needs to stop! *runs/stumbles out of house* I can't take it when you two squabble like chickens!

Rosalie: *gasps* Are you calling me a crazy chicken?

Edward: El Pollo Loco anyone?

Rosalie: *scowls at Edward* Why do you have to be so rude to me? Huh?

Emmett: Oh, you know Edward; always overstressed and undersexed.

Rosalie: *laughs gleefully*

Edward: *stops 'acting' and glares at Emmett*

Jasper: Emmett, you should not be so mean to our little brother!

-Everyone looks at Jasper as he stomps out of the house-

Jasper: It's not his fault he can't get any! *wipes fake tears away, like Edward's problem is a family crisis*

-Everyone stares at him with their mouths hanging open-

Jasper: I can't help it! *sobs* I'm a very emotional guy! Q~Q

Carlisle and Esme: *has the strangest, most confused expressions on their faces*

Jasper: *stops 'crying', a smile spreads across his face* Yep, hold those faces.

Alice: Don't move.

Edward: They're perfect.

Carlisle and Esme: ...

Carlisle: What?...

Jasper: *holds up camera* :]

Carlisle: ...You...

Esme: :/

Emmett: SMILE! *pulls Esme and Carlisle into tight bear hug* You're on Candid Camera!

Everyone (but Carlisle and Esme): *bursts out laughing*

Esme: You lot will get it. Mark my words...

Carlisle: What she said.

Alice and Edward: Bring it on. *taps their heads*

-a short silence; Alice & Edward and Esme & Carlisle are staring each other down-

Edward: MY VOLVO! *runs for his car at the same time Carlisle does*

Emmett: GO, Carlisle! Woo! ... O_O uh

Rosalie: *screams* _My car_! Does that look like a Volvo to you, Carlisle? NO, IT DOESN'T!

Jasper: Rose is _really_ "unbalanced" now *zooms camera in on her*

Rosalie: *glares* I prefer crazy! *punches Jazz in the face; camera gets disconnected*

_-End Jasper's Flashback-_

Emmett: LOL I love that side of Rose.

Jasper: I don't -_- *remembers the punch in the face*

Jacob: Wow...that was...

Jasper: Brilliant?

Emmett: Awesome?

Bella: Hilarious?

Jacob: ...Interesting.

Alice: OMJ, guess what just happened?

**To be continued...**

* * *

This chapter was getting too long so I had to cut it. On the plus side, that means next chapter will be up sooner!

Review! You know you want to tell Jasper that his video was better than Emmett's, or vise versa. ;D Of course, I personally felt like Carlisle and Esme through the whole thing. O.o


	18. Mwahaha! No Blood For You!

Alice: OMJ, guess what just happened? ...Ok, so it didn't happen yet, but guess what _will_ happen!

**Rosalie logged on**

Jasper: Emmett finally getting the experimental foods that he makes for Bella shoved down his throat by Esme after he destroys her kitchen again?

Emmett: Carlisle doing the moonwalk...on the moon?

Jacob: Blondie finally realizing that those "donut seeds" she planted in the back yard were actually Cheerios?

Rosalie: *glares* Was that some sort of an attempt to be funny?

Emmett: Obviously *rolls eyes and mumbles* Sheesh, Rose. Blonde moment?

Rosalie: WHAT?

Emmett: O.o

Rosalie: Apparently, Emmett has lost the ability to recognize sarcasm when he hears it?

Emmett: Sarcasm? Is that some sort of nonfat candy?

Rosalie: -_-

Emmett: Tell me! I'm on a diet, I need to know!

Rosalie: …

Emmett: Carlisle will know. Carlisle will tell me!

**Emmett logged off**

Jacob: You're all crazy.

Rosalie, Jasper, and Alice: Unbalanced!

Jacob: That too.

Alice: Anyway! Back to me!

**Emmett logged on**

Emmett: Carlisle told me.

Alice: We don't care! Now, as I was saying-

Emmett: He said sarcasm doesn't taste good.

Alice: Shush! Anyway-

Rosalie: On the contrary. I find it leaves a pleasant feeling when it rolls off my tongue.

Alice/Jasper: Quit-

Emmett: Oh! like blood

Alice/Jasper: Interrupting-

Rosalie: Exactly

Alice/Jasper: Me!/Her!

Bella: eeeeeeekkkkkk! *web cam gets knocked to floor*

Everyone: o_o

Bella: Edward! Aaaahhh! He's after me!

Emmett: Edward's after you?

Bella: *running all around her room* He's gonna eat me!

Everyone: *sees Edward's feet zoom by Bella's camera*

Emmett: :O Edward lost control!

Jasper: Dammit, Edward! You always have to out do me!

Jacob: If you lay one tooth on her you're deader than dead!

Bella: Come near me and I kill you!

-Edward is heard-

_Edward: Bella, don't-_

*BANG*

Emmett: What's happening? What's happening?

Bella: Take that you filthy bloodsucker!

Everyone: :O

Rosalie: Did she just-?

Alice: She did.

Jacob: Hahaha! Finally, she's seen the light!

_Edward: No, Bella, wait!_

*CRASH*

Emmett: Edward's losing to a human? Her evil cat is helping her isn't he? Cheater!

Jacob: Yes! I knew you'd succumb to the dark side sooner or later, Bells!

Rosalie: The dark side? I thought the dark side was supposed to have cookies, not fleas.

Jacob: *glowers* We'll see who the last one laughing is once Bella joins the werewolves.

Bella: Mwahaha! No blood for you!

Jacob: You tell him, Bella!

Bella: Ha! *fixes web cam so they can see her again* Don't worry, I took care of things.

Jasper: How did you take care of things...exactly?

_-Charlie is heard knocking on her door-_

_Charlie: Bella, what's that smell? It smells like something's burning..._

Everyone (but Jacob): O_O

Jacob: *big smile on his face*

Bella: It's nothing, Dad...just pancakes! *sees the look on everyone's faces* What's wron-

Emmett: Oh my god! Bella killed Edward!

Jacob: It's about time!

Alice: How could you do that? *sobs loudly*

Jasper: He's done nothing but love yoooouuuu!

Bella: Huh? I-

Rosalie: I call his Aston Martin.

Everyone: ...

Emmett: I'm running over that damn Volvo with my jeep!

Alice: I get his bedroom! I can turn it into another closet

Jasper: And I call his diaries *evil gleam in eyes*

**Edward logged on**

Edward: They're journals! And no you will not be reading them, let alone publishing them as a 'fictional' story! *growls at his siblings*

Everyone (but Bella): O_O *points* What-?

Jacob: *grumbles* I thought she burned you.

Emmett: Edward's back from the dead! If the undead can be back from the dead once they're dead... Which apparently they can.

Bella: What are you all talking about?

Edward: You're all ridiculous.

Jasper: But, but, but...

Emmett: She said you were after her, we heard her!

Edward: She was calling me to help.

Jacob: But she called you "bloodsucker"! =(

Edward: *smirks* Sorry to disappoint you, but vampires aren't the only "vampires" out there. We're not the only creatures that drink blood.

Emmett: True. We can't forget the zebras.

Everyone: ...

Emmett: Don't look at me like I'm crazy. None of you know what I remember from my human life! Q~Q *has horrible flashbacks of zebras*

Edward: *watches* ... o.O'

Bella: Wait...you all thought I killed Edward?

Jasper: Um *cough* of course not. That's perposterous.

Rosalie: Psh, _you_ kill Edward? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard...*glances at Emmett*... Well, almost the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Emmett: o.o ...Yeah! I'm still #1, baby!

Alice: Excuse me, why would I think you killed my brother? *taps head* I see everything.

Jacob: You lying leeches!

Alice: You're right. I don't see mutts. ^-^'

Bella: ... Bahahaha! I can't believe you guys.

Jacob: *scowls* If it wasn't Edward then what were you running from?

Bella: A mosquito!

Alice: You burned a poor innocent little mosquito? You didn't just smoosh it?

Bella: It flew into my light and stunk up my room...

Everyone: ...

Rosalie: You run, screaming at the top of your lungs from a tiny little mosquito, but you welcome a vampire into your arms without a second thought?

Bella: Um...yep.

Jacob: That doesn't make any sense at all.

Bella: It does to me. Mosquitos bite me all the time. A vampire has only bitten me once, and Edward saved me! No mosquito ever saved me from another mosquito-

Jacob: that you know of

Bella: -and mosquitos are creepy-

Jacob: Jasper is creepy

Bella: -and they're tiny-

Jacob: Alice is tiny

Bella: -and they're ugly-

Jacob: Rosalie is-

Rosalie: I'll tear your heart out with your own paws if you finish that sentence!

Jacob: O_O I think...I think I found her weakness.

Rosalie: *growls* Watch yourself, dog.

**Rosalie logged off**

Bella: * is unphased by what went on* And Edward is beautiful! I love him! Deal with it, Jacob Black!

Jacob: Wha- But-

Edward: That is so sweet of you, love Q~Q

Bella: ^-^

Edward: ELOPE WITH ME!

Bella: 0_0

Jacob: =O *glares*

Emmett: Do it! Do it!

Alice: NO! Eloping is illegal in this family! It's either big wedding or no wedding!

Edward: That's a lame family law.

Jasper: So is living off animal blood, but I do it anyway.

Alice: *gasps* Jazz!

Jasper: o.o Just kidding! It's a brilliant rule! *flees*

**Jasper logged off**

Jacob: -_- I'm keeping a close eye on that one...

Edward: It's settled, Bella and I are eloping.

Alice and Jacob: No you aren't! Right, Bella?

Bella: Um-

Alice and Jacob: See!

Alice: Bella already agreed I was doing the wedding, end of story.

Jacob: No way, Shorty. I don't care what Bella says now, she's gonna realize how much more she loves me before you even send out the invitations.

Edward: What?

Bella: That's it I'm leaving.

**Bella logged off**

Edward: Look what you did!

Jacob: That was you!

Emmett: ^o.o I blame Alice.

Alice: It's Emmett's fault!

Carlisle: I can see why the kids come on here so much. It's very interesting.

Everyone: O_o Carlisle?

Esme: Yes. It's amazing the things you hear on here.

Everyone: _Esme_?

Jacob: What the hell? Why are you all so creepy? I'm leaving before your long lost cousin Dracula pops up too!

**Jacob logged off**

Alice and Edward: Wow. I did not see this coming.

Emmett: Hahaha...uh...Where'd you guys come from? o.O

Carlisle: Just around.

Esme: You kids are adorable! But Carlisle and I have to go now. Things to do...

Carlisle: Yes.

Esme: Oh, and Edward... No eloping.

Edward: *frowns* Yes, Mom.

Alice: He he! *evil snicker*

**Esme _disappeared_**

**Carlisle _disappeared_**

-creepy silence-

Emmett: ...*whispers*what does it mean when it says they disappeared?

Alice: ...

Edward: *shrugs*

-more creepy silence-

Alice: ...Ok...Now that there won't be any interruptions, who wants to know what will happen?

Emmett and Edward: *looks away, uninterested*

Alice: Fine! If you two don't want to know, then nobody will know!

**Alice logged off**

-silence-

Emmett: ...Did you read her thoughts? Did ya? Did ya?

Edward: *smirks* Yep. And guess what's going to happen?

...

...

...

**To Be Continued...**

* * *

**Aw, I know a lot of you wanted to know what Alice saw happening, but you'll just have to wait until next time. :P**


	19. Get Your Own Chats

**There a couple long words in this chapter that wouldn't show after I posted it because they were too long (or something -_-), so I had to spread the word out using dashes. If you don't know what I mean you'll understand when you hit one. But no worries, it's not so confusing, I just wanted you to know that when you see a word like that that it's all one word.**

* * *

Emmett: So, what's gonna happen?

Edward: ready for this?

Emmett: Yes, just tell me what's gonna happen!

Edward: Are you sure you want to know?

Emmett: YES!

Edward: What's with the attitude? I'm not telling you now.

Emmett: O.O No! No. I'm sorry. Just tell me, pleeeeeaaaassee! *sobs*

Edward: OK, OK... What's going to happen is...

-suspensful silence-

...

...

...

...

...

Edward: Carlisle's phone is going to ring :)

Emmett: ...

Edward: :)

Emmett: ...Carlisle's phone. is going. to ring?

Edward: Yep :)

Emmett: that's it?

Edward: Yep :)

Emmett: You made all that hype just because Carlisle's phone is going to ring?

Edward: uh-huh :)

Emmett: Alice made all that hype just because CARLISLE'S PHONE IS GOING TO RING?

Edward: that's right :)

**Alice logged on**

**Jasper logged on**

**Bella logged on**

**Rosalie logged on**

Emmett: Alice! I have something to say!

Alice: I know! Now shut up!

Emmett: No! I have Hippopoto-monstro-sesquip-pedalio-phobia! I can't shut up!

Alice: O.o

Bella: Emmett, Hippopoto-monstro-sesquip-pedalio-phobia is the fear of long words.

Emmett: I know, but I was hoping since Alice was so short she wouldn't get it.

Bella: That doesn't even make sense.

Emmett: Your face doesn't make sense!

Jasper: So true.

Rosalie: *sighs* I'm surrounded by morons.

Alice: No, not yet. But you will be^^

Rosalie: ?

**Pablo logged on**

Alice: …

Everyone else: *is confused*

Pablo: Greetings!

Emmett: Who are you?

Pablo: I am Pablo Diego Jose Francisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno Maria de los Remedios Cipriano de la Santisima Trinidad Martyr Patricio Clito Ruiz y Picasso…jr.

Emmett: Ok, I just asked who you were. I didn't need to know everyone on your whole damn family tree.

Pablo: *ignores Emmett* Hello, pretty spiky haired lady. Do you want to dance?

Alice: Um, no.

Pablo: Sorry, I think you misheard me. I said, you look fat in those pants.

Everyone: =O

Alice: You know, if I wasn't so kind and innocent, I'd eat you ^-^

Pablo: Oooo, I likey the sound of that ;]

Jasper: Oh, You do? *makes Pablo lust over Edward instead*

Pablo: *stares at Edward* WOW!

Edward: 0.o

Pablo: You, strange bronze-haired boy, have made me turn gay.

Edward: Excuse me?

Pablo: You are a sexy beast ~rawr~

Edward: Wha-... Jasper!

Jasper: *looks innocent* Don't look at me! He suffers from impulsive heterosexual discharge.

Emmett: Bahaha!

Pablo: We should swap numbers...adresses...saliva.

Bella: O_O

Emmett: *gags*

Edward: Oh God, no! Not the thoughts! Disturbing fantasies! Get them out of my head! DX

Pablo: *lust feeling goes away* ...Ok…I've changed my mind...

Emmett: That's good. Does it work better than the old one?

Pablo: Unfortunately, it does not :(

Emmett: I hope you got a warranty on it.

Pablo: o.o You...you can get those?

Emmett: Pablo dude, what century are you living in?

Pablo: The 20th of course! It is the year 1933. Beautiful year, very beautiful. Nothing depressing about it _at all_.

Everyone: ...

Pablo: Do not stare at Pablo like he is crazy!

Everyone: *looks away*

Pablo: Do not think in your heads that Pablo is crazy!

Bella: Oh, for goodness sake we don't think you're crazy.

Everyone else: *mumbles* Yeah we do.

Bella: Why are you on our chat anyway? Don't you have your own?

Pablo: Ooooo, you speakin to me, baby? *kissy face*

Edward: Not anymore she isn't. Get out of our chat!

Jasper: As entertaining as this is *coughs*not really*coughs*, I agree with Edward.

Pablo: =O You don't really want Pablo to leave, do you?

Everyone: Yes.

Emmett: Anyone who speaks in the third person must leave...says Emmett.

Pablo: What if Pablo refuses to leave?

Jasper: Then Pablo will be eaten.

Pablo: :( Cannibalism is frowned upon in my country.

Edward: Not ours

Pablo: O.O Really? Where are you from?

Edward: Transylvania

Pablo: Hmm, on second thought... I don't leave and I just be eaten by the beautiful ladies *wiggles eybrows at the girls*

Edward and Jasper: That's it, get out!

Pablo: *panics* But there are no pretty ladies in my old chat!

Alice: And I wonder why, you perv!

Pablo: Pablo is not a perv. He is just a man with needs.

Rosalie: No...I have a man with needs. You are just sick.

Emmett: You tell him, babe.

Pablo: You don't even know Pablo that well.

Edward: I know more about you than you think.

Pablo: Oh really? What is Pablo's favorite color?

Edward: highlighter pink

Emmett: *stifles a laugh*

Pablo: What is Pablo's favorite-

Edward: Moose

Pablo: favorite-

Edward: Uranus

Pablo: favorite-

Edward: Water polo

Pablo: favorite-

Edward: Lake Chargog-gagogg-manchaog-gagogg-chaubuna-guhgamaugg

Everyone: What the heck?

Pablo: YOU STALKER OF PABLO!

Edward: I am not a stalker.

Everyone: Yes you are.

Bella: *clears throat and points to herself*

Edward: ... Well fine then. I won't save you from men like Pablo anymore -_-

Bella: *gasps* T~T

Pablo: *points menacingly at Edward* How I ever turned gay for _you_ I will never know! You creep Pablo out, you do!

Jasper: *murmurs* I hope he "creeps Pablo out" of the chat room

Pablo: Pablo is creeping out of the chat room!

Jasper: Huzzah ^o.o^

Rosalie: Finally!

Pablo: *stares at Rosalie*...

Rosalie: ...*glares dangerously back*

Pablo: ...You comin with me, Gorgeo-

Rosalie: Get out

Pablo: o.o k

**Pablo logged off**

Emmett: haha

Jasper: Way to scare him off Rosalie

Rosalie: Glad that's over, now things can go back to normal. *mumbles*Whatever normal is.

Alice and Edward: Actually...

**Patricia logged on**

**Michelle logged on**

**Sasha logged on**

Rosalie: Ugh.

Sasha: OMG, you guys, guess what! It's so _sad_!

Michelle: What? What?

Patricia: Tell us!

Sasha: My laptop crashed T~T

Patricia: Omg! How did that happen?

Sasha: I threw it out the window.

Everyone: O_o

Patricia: OMG, why?

Sasha: There was a spider on it! DX

Michelle: Ew! You so did the right thing.

Patricia: Totally.

Everyone: *looks at each other*

Sasha: Omg, but guess what else, my aunt, like, works with someone who knows Orlando-freaking-Bloom, and I got his autograph! *squeals*

Patricia: Well, I'm friends with PINK's cousin!

Michelle: Ooh, My sister is friends with a guy who went to school with the Rock. I'm serious!

Edward: And Lady Gaga is my best friend -.-

Emmett: lol

Sasha: Ew, who are all of you?

Michelle: *-* Who cares? They are, like, so gorgeous.

Patricia: *-* Ditto

Sasha: True... Well, except for the anemic looking one with the nasty brown hair.

Bella: -_-

Emmett: Bella, you're anemic?

Alice: You know what that means?

Jasper: Yep

Rosalie: Edward's been having a little snack here and there...

Edward: ...I think I'll blame the mosquitos...

Michelle: Oh! I love taquitos, too! The best Japanese dish I've ever had! We'd be perfect together!

Everyone: ...

Patricia: OMG, my stupid sister is complaining because I put my red shirt in with her clothes and turned everything pink. *rolls eyes*

Alice: *whimpers in sympathy for the sister*

Michelle: But I thought she likes pink.

Patricia: That's what I said, but she said "not as much as purple".

Sasha: She likes purple now?

Patricia: Apparently *throws hands up, exasperated*

Rosalie: ...Are you sure she wasn't just being sarcastic?

Michelle: Huh, ceramic? I hate that class O.o

Rosalie: -_-

Sasha: Hmph, you shouldn't listen to the blonde one. She looks like she would try to alphabetize a bag of MnM's if we asked her to.

Rosalie: *glares threateningly* If ever I see you in real life...

Patricia: Hello! Back to my problem here! What am I going to do?

Emmett: Oh! I know how you can fix it. Just get a blue shirt and wash it in with her now pink clothes and they'll all turn purple!

Michelle: *gasps* He's hot and a genius! *-*

Emmett: Hehe, don't I know it.

Jasper: Ego overload! -faints-

Emmett: o.o

Alice: Look what you did to my Jasper.

Emmett: What? That's not fair. If he can handle Rose's ego then he should be able to handle mine easily.

Rosalie: What is that supposed to mean?

Emmett: It means you're beautiful, and you're perfect, and I love you :3

Rosalie: *narrows eyes*

Bella: Edward, your family has really lost it this time.

Edward: -silence-

Bella: ...Edward?...

Edward: *is staring at his hands* You ever wonder if vampires have fingerprints?

Bella: ... -_-

Alice: Edward, sometimes I just love your randomness :3 ...Can I have it o.o

Edward: Sure thing. *gives posty-note* And I caution that you use it wisely.

Alice: *-* r.a.n.d.o.m.n.e.s.s.

Sasha: Ok, I don't care how good looking they are - they're weird.

**Sasha logged out**

Rosalie: One down, two to go. *shoos the other girls* Get out of here. Go.

Michelle: Don't tell me what to do, you...

Rosalie: You what?

Michelle: ...you... you pushy...bbb...

Rosalie: *is glaring*

Michelle: bbiiitt-*whimpers and flees*

Patricia: Wait for me!

**Michelle logged off**

**Patricia logged off**

Rosalie: Cowards

Emmett: Chickens

Alice: Ba-gock!

-Everyone looks at her-

Alice: O.O *points at posty-note*

**John logged on**

**Cera logged on**

Rosalie: Oh my god, not more. Get your own chats!

John: How dare you speak to me like that you vile witch!

Rosalie: What did you say?

John: You deaf woman? Or just stupid?

Emmett: Don't talk to Rose that way!

John: Shut up, you stupid, crappy, idiotic, (bleep), (bleeping)-(bleep), (bleeped) scum-bag!

Everyone: O_o

-awkward silence-

Jasper: That language should never be used in the presence of ladies *gestures to Emmett and Edward*

Emmett & Edward: *glares*

John: I HATE YOU, BLONDE BOY!

Jasper: O.O Well...well...Blonde Boy hates _you. _T^T

Alice: It's okay, Jazz-

John: Go back to the mental asylum where you belong, you little dark-haired devil!

Alice: -Don't let him get to-WHAT? *shrieks in fury*

John: You scream like the (bleep) (bleeping) monster you are!

Alice: That's it, come on! *starts boxing around her computer, punching the air* I can take you out, fool!

Jasper: *waves an Alice flag* Team Alice!

Bella: *whispers* Edward, that posty-note is making Alice crazy.

Alice: Who said that? *swings around, her back now to the computer*

Bella: O.o See?

John: When I die, I'm haunting the (bleep) out of you people!

**John logged off**

Edward: Didn't he realize we were the ones haunting him this whole time?

Emmett: Maybe that's why he left. Becuase he noticed I was staring at him thirstily, because I wanted to suck his blood! Mwahahahahaha-

Cera: *clears throat*

Emmett: -hahaha-oh.

Cera: *stares at Emmett*

Emmett: ... What? Don't tell me you never thought about sucking that boy's blood before.

Cera: I have not.

Emmett: LIAR!

Cera: You're disgusting! You're gonna get AIDS!

Alice: *swings back around* I love all the Kool-aids! -^.^-

Cera: Huh?

Jasper: You heard her. She's gonna make you pay.

Emmett: In blood *smiles, showing teeth*

Cera: You're out of your mind.

Rosalie: Of course he is. You wouldn't want to be in Emmett's mind either.

Emmett: You're the only one who understands me, Babe.

Cera: *eyes widen* You-... *shakes head*

**Carlisle logged on**

**Esme logged on**

Cera: You crazy bloodsucker!

**Cera logged off**

Carlisle: -_- who exposed what we are?

Emmett: o.o Edward!

Edward: Jasper!

Jasper: Bella!

Bella: Rosalie!

Rosalie: Alice!

Alice: Emmett!

Esme and Carlisle: Why would you do that Emmett?

Emmett: _Me_?

-Carlisle's phone rings-

Alice, Edward, and Emmett: *gasps* *points* The vision!

Everyone else: 0_o

**:O Who's calling Carlisle? The world may never know...**

**And, a random fact, Lake Chargog-gagogg-manchaog-gagogg-chaubuna-guhgamaugg is a real lake located in Massachusettes. It's not just some crazy name I made up. xD**


	20. That was just rude!

**Chapter 20! Cupcakes for everyone! -^.^-**

* * *

Carlisle: Hmm, who would be calling me at this time?

Alice: Ooo! Ooo! I know! I know!

Carlisle: I don't recognize the number.

Alice: Ooo! Ooo! Pick me! *waves hand in the air*

Carlisle: I wonder if it's important...

Alice: CARLISLE! OVER HERE! *points to herself*

Carlisle: *answers phone*

Alice: *pouts* Meanie T.T

Carlisle: Dr. Carlisle Cullen speaking... I'm sorry, who? Doctor who? That's not… Excuse me-…Oh. Ok… *hangs up*

Esme: Who was it?

Alice: I know who it wa-

Carlisle: I'm not sure.

Bella: What did they want?

Alice: I know what they-

Carlisle: After they called me Dr. Delicious they recited the old phrase "an apple a day keeps the doctor away", but then added that since I was cute they were gonna screw the fruit, which I have heard before...just not directed at me, and...well, to say the least, I was very confused. I'm not sure what their purpose was.

Alice: Heeelllooooo? Can _anyone_ hear me?

Edward: I'm sorry, did you say something, Alice?

Alice: *glares* Listen, Copper-head!

Edward: o.o

Alice: You're next!

Edward: *phone rings* *answers it, putting it on speaker* Hello?

Woman on phone: OH EM GEE, WILL YOU MAKE BABIES WITH ME?

Everyone: O_O

Emmett: Do it!

Bella: Emmett! *glares*

Emmett: What? Just imagine little mini Edwards running around...

Edward: Uh-

Woman on phone: THAT'S A YES!

-phone goes dead-

Edward: *is in shock*

Bella: Edward, how could you agree to that?

Edward: What… *blinks*

Emmett: Edward, you little player, you.

Jasper: Shameful.

Rosalie: You sinner.

Esme: You were raised better than that.

Carlisle: Son, I am greatly disappointed in you.

Edward: What? I didn't. I have done nothing!

Alice: Except agree to impregnate that prank caller you horrible, horrible excuse for a Cullen!

Edward: *glares* I didn't agree to anything-... Did you say prank caller?

Alice: Hmm, did I?

Jasper: You did.

Bella: I heard it.

Alice: You lie!

**Alice logged off**

-silence-

Emmett: She's crazy.

**Alice logged on**

Alice: Actually, yeah, I said that^^

Everyone: *looks at each other*

Emmett: Told ya.

Edward: *shrugs* It's that post-it note. And she's hooked to it.

Alice: Don't bring my precious into this *hisses*

Edward: See?

Alice: *gasps* Jasper, watch out!

Jasper: *tenses* What? *phone rings* o-o -_-

Emmett: Haha, she got you scared.

Jasper: *mumbles* Bite me.

Alice: No... _They_ got him...

Carlisle: Who are "_they_", exactly?

Alice: Oh, now you can hear me? Well it's too late, Carlisle. My loyalties lie elsewhere. Hmph.

Carlisle: But, Alice-

Alice: Ok, I'll tell you!^^

Rosalie: Why don't we just find out the old-fashioned way. By picking up the phone!

Jasper: *puts phone on speaker* Hello?

Boy on phone: Hi, thanks for calling^^

Jasper: I didn't call you-

Boy on phone: It's awfully nice to hear from you again.

Jasper: I don't know who you ar-

Boy on phone: Actually...I have something to confess...

Alice: *gasps quietly*

Edward: hmm

Boy on phone: I can't take the pain anymore...

Everyone: ...

Boy on phone: I'M GONNA KILL MYSELF!

Alice: *starts giggling quietly*

-Everyone looks at her like she's crazy, except Edward-

Edward: *whispers* H_e's just messing with you, Jazz. It's a prank call, remember._

Boy on phone: My mom just-*sniffles*-died.

Jasper: Serves her right.

Everyone: :O

Boy on phone: What?

Jasper: Nothing.

Boy on phone: That's it! I'm doing it!

Jasper: Doing what?

Boy on phone: Blasting my brains out! Nobody will care if I do.

Jasper: You're wrong.

Boy on phone: I am?

Jasper: Yes. The guy who has to clean up after you cares.

Emmett: A_haha, messed up bro._

Boy on phone: You don't think I'll do it, do you? *sniffles again*

Jasper: Honestly, I don't care.

Boy on phone: You think I won't? You think I'm kidding?

Jasper: Do it! I dare ya! DOOO IIITT!

-BOOM-

Everyone: O_O :O

Edward: Jasper, what did you do!

Jasper: O_O *looks frantically at Edward* You said- He couldn't- You said he was kidding! You lied to me! Look what you made me do! How can I live with myself- I just mad somebody-! Oh god!-

Boy on phone: ...hello?

-long pause-

Edward: *smirks*

Jasper: I- I knew you wouldn't do it! Wuss! *hangs up quickly, throws phone across the room, and takes a deep breath. Points menacingly at Edward* Don't you EVER do that to me again!

Edward: xD ahahaha!

Alice: I told you it was just a prank call, Jasper. Though, you got him good, in the beginning...

Emmett: Until Edward got you better! LOL You should have seen your face.

Jasper: *glares* Don't think I'm not capable of revenge.

Esme: Oh, but that scared me, too.

Bella: Me three!

Carlisle: And me as well.

Alice: Wow, you are all so gullible.

Bella: So sue us.

Alice: Don't think I won't.

Emmett: Ha! Rose and I are the only ones not gullible, so we won't be sued.

Rosalie: *rolls eyes* Thank God.

Emmett: Oh Rose, you can call me Emmett.

Rosalie: ...

Emmett: So, Alice, do I get a freaky phone call, too?

Alice: Only if you buy me an ice cream cone.

Emmett: But you don't even eat ice cream.

Alice: Does that matter?

Emmett: Er...usually...

Alice: *angry face* I want some ice cream! Get me a banana split! Make me a sundae!

Esme: *already making it* Would you like sprinkles with that?

Alice: Yes please -^.^-

Carlisle: Esme, must you encourage her when she's acting...like this?

Esme: Dear, just go with the flow. If you don't it will be a lot harder to pretend our children are normal.

Carlisle: They're vampires.

Esme: o.0 Your point?

Carlisle: They are not...normal.

Esme: ... *sighs* My husband is a killjoy.

**Esme logged off**

Carlisle: What did I say?

Alice: You know what you need, old man?

Carlisle: -_- *thinks: _old. man?_*

Edward: *stifles a laugh*

Alice: You need one of these *points to her post-it note*

Carlisle: And what will that do?

Emmett: You'll start acting like Alice.

Carlisle: No thank you.

**Carlisle logged off**

Alice: *gasps* That was just rude!

Bella: More rude than the prank call?

Jasper: Definitely not! We need to find whoever would dare mess with us.

Rosalie: Yes, who would do that?

Emmett: Yeah, and not even have the guts to prank me! *angry face*

Bella: Right... So who do you think it was?

Emmett: I know! There's only one group who would want to prank us. *lifts up his phone* And I know their number.

Edward: ... How did you get their number?

Emmett: Uh...I found it on Carlisle's desk.

Edward: Why were you in Carlisle's office?

Emmett: He was...um...lecturing me on...er... Look I don't have to explain myself to you!

Edward: *tries not to laugh*

Emmett: *narrows eyes* Anyway, it's gotta be them. So lets get em back, hehehe

Bella: Who? Someone in town?

Emmett: Nope, they live in Italy.

Bella: Oh, so who-... *squeaks* Italy?

Rosalie: Oh no, Emmett, no.

Emmett: Oh yes, Rose, yes! *dials number*

Edward: Em, it's not them.

Emmett: Like I'm listening to _you._

-phone is ringing-

Alice: I'm back!^^

Jasper: Alice...you weren't gone.

Alice: Not physically...

Jasper: I worry about you :/

Alice: So who are we calling?

Rosalie: Unfortunately, the Volturi.

Emmett: Those prankers are gonna get a taste of their own medicine.

Alice: Ok! But they didn't do it^^

Emmett: Of course they di- What?

-Alec answers phone-

Emmett: o.o

Edward: _Can't back down now..._

Alec: Volturi. Who is this and what do you want?

Emmett: *speaks in girly voice* Heeey, Alec. I'm a theif, and I'm here to steal your heart.

Rosalie: _*_shakes head, embarrassed*

Alec: That's fine, it doesn't work anyway. Now, what is your name? How do you know me?

Emmett: Oh, Alec, you're a crack up, pretending you don't know who I am and how I know you.

Alec: Tell me. Now.

Emmett: Why? Gonna go tell daddy Aro?

Alec: *is suspicious* What information do you have on us? This is your last chance, or we will find you.

Edward: _Emmett..._

Emmett: Er...would you look at the time? It was soooo nice speaking with you again Alec. *giggles* You'll have to come visit some time.

Alice: WE'VE GOT HOPSCOTCH AND CRACKERJACKS!

Emmett: *hisses* _Alice, shut up_

Everyone else: *tenses*

Alec: Hey! Who was that?

Emmett: No one- o.o *clears throat and continues in girly voice* No one important!

Alec: That sounded like- Was that the little Cullen? Are you a Cullen?

Emmett: Hell no! *slams phone shut* Lets get outta here!

**Emmett logged off**

**Rosalie logged off**

**Jasper logged off**

**Edward logged off **

**Bella logged off**

Alice: Where is everybody going? We could play Twister instead...

-silence-

Alice: That is just rude, too!

-more silence-

**Felix logged on**

**Heidi logged on**

**Demetri logged on**

Alice: O.O eep


	21. It Could Be Any Emmett

**Felix logged on**

**Heidi logged on**

**Dememtri logged on**

Alice: O.O eep

Felix: *smirks* Well look who it is. Little Alice Cullen. How tall are you? Like, 4'9"? *snorts*

Alice: 4'10", and I don't like your tone!

Felix: Oh, I'm _sooo_ sorry.

Heidi: Enough chit chat. Alec says you called.

Alice: Who's Alec?

Felix: The male version of Jane.

Alice: Who's Jane?

Felix: Don't play dumb with me!

Alice: Why? 'Cause you invented that?

Felix: That's right!-wait- Excuse me?

Demetri: *sighs* idiot

Heidi: Listen, we don't have all day. Just tell us why you called.

Alice: I don't like pushy people -_-

Felix: What a coincident - we don't like short people.

Alice: I don't like big people!

Felix: We don't like annoying people!

Alice: I don't like you people!

Felix: And we don't like Cullens!

Alice: Well, I'm not a short, annoying Cullen, so I don't care!

Volturi: ...

Alice: ... Oh, yes I am *hangs head*

**Jasper logged on**

**Edward logged on**

**Emmett logged on**

**Rosalie logged on**

Emmett: Alice, we came back.

Alice: Yay! You guys care about me!^^

Emmett: Well, actually, Jasper made us.

Edward: Yeah, we didn't have much of a choice. But your story sounds more selfless so...

Rosalie: So, yeah, we care about you.

Alice and Jasper: -_-

Felix: Why, it's nearly the whole Olympic coven. *grins evilly* Where's mama and papa Cullen?

Emmett: They're...uh...

Rosalie: On vacation

Emmett: Yeah, that's it!

Demetri: Is that so?... Where'd they go?

Emmett: To...um...to an island...

Jasper: _The_ island...

Emmett: Yes! _The_ island!

Edward: Isle Esme :)

Heidi: I never heard of such a place...

Rosalie: That's because it's a private island that we own.

Heidi: *glares at Rosalie*

Rosalie: *glares at Heidi*

Demetri: A private island that you own? *is doubtful*

Alice: That's what we said! Carlisle bought it for Esme. That's why it's called _Isle Esme_...duh.

Heidi: He bought her a whole island?

Alice: Yep yep

Felix: Yeah right, like we're gonna listen to some freak vamp with a sticky-note on her forehead.

Alice: o.o

Emmett and Edward: *holds back laughter*

Alice: I'm telling the truth T~T

Demetri: This is getting ridiculous. Just tell us why you called, and if we find it to be a reasonable excuse we will let you off with a warning.

Edward: And if it's not a reasonable excuse?

Demetri: Then we kill you.

Edward: Fair enough. It was Emmett who called you!

Emmett: :O What?

Felix: Him, huh? *grins evilly*

Alice: *-* I foresee very bad things happening to Emmett in the near future...

Emmett: YOU WHAT?

Alice: Just kidding! =^.^=

Emmett: *glares* You little-

Jasper: Don't blame Alice for your gullibility.

Emmett: Psh

Demetri: *is impatient* Explain yourself, Emmett!

Felix: Why don't we just skip the explanations and go straight to the punishment.

Emmett: Hey, wait, wait, wait! How do you know it was even me? It could be any Emmett.

Edward and Jasper: It was Emmett Cullen

Emmett: *glares at his brothers* WTH?

Demetri: There, you see. Now explain yourself, Emmett _Cullen_.

Heidi: And you better do it right, or Felix gets his fun. And it would be a shame to lose someone as fine as you. *winks at Emmett*

Rosalie: Clearly, _Heidi,_-*sneers name*- you don't intend to keep that pretty little face of yours.

Heidi: Pretty? That's funny, I would have described your looks as average. But if on your scale mine are merely pretty then how shall I describe you now? Beyond hideous?

Rosalie: *hisses*

Felix: *smirks* Cat fight.

Alice: OMJ! Bella has a cat! I'm gonna get her on.

Edward: O.O Alice, no!

**Alice logged off**

Edward: Nooo-

**Alice logged on**

**Bella logged on**

Edward: -oooo! Bella, log off now!

Bella: Why?- *sees Volturi are still on* oh jeez

Felix: Bella, how nice to see you still human.

Bella: *glares* Bite me!

Felix: My pleasure

Edward: *growls*

Bella: Wait! I mean-... Can I take that comeback back!

Jasper: Can't take back a comeback.

Emmett: Can't turn your back on a comeback either.

Alice: That settles it! Felix can't turn his back on a comeback taken back.

Bella: ... What?

Alice: Ugh, nevermind, Bella.

Emmett: Man, humans are so slow

Jasper: Slower than Emmett answering Demetri's question.

Demetri: o.o Oh yeah! This is your last chance to explain, Emmett.

Emmett: *glares at Jasper* Traitor

Bella: What does Emmett have to explain?

Jasper: Why he prank called them.

Volturi: A prank call, hmm?

Emmett: Uh, uh, it's not my fault! We were prank called and, and- *looks around frantically*- and Alice said it was you!

Alice: :o I did not. But I did say we could play Twister. But then you all ran away from me! So I'm going back to my first option: Chutes and Ladders =3

Rosalie: Your first option was Hopscotch-

Alice: Don't belittle Chutes and Ladders!

Rosalie: I have nothing against Chutes and Ladders. ...Candyland on the other hand... -_-

Alice: You just don't like that Queen Frostine is prettier than you.

Rosalie: *glares* Does everyone have a death wish today? Or is there another reason people keep insulting my unquestionable beauty?

Bella: Wait, you guys play Candyland? That's a little...weird.

Edward: Ugh, we played it once on game night about ten years ago. And guess who's turn it was to buy the game *glares pointedly at Emmett*

Emmett: ...You're just mad cuz you always got the Mr. Plumpy card.

Bella: ahaha-

Edward: *looks at her*

Bella: -ha-*clears throat* I'm sorry.

Jasper: It's a nice children's game, but not for a Cullen family game night... Jeez.

Emmett: But I needed a game that nobody could cheat on. :(

Volturi: *looks at each other, confused*

Demetri: OK, let me get this straight. Someone prank called you guys, you thought it was us, so you prank called us back?

Edward: Yes, that's right... Only Emmett prank called you back, not the rest of us.

Demetri: So he will be the only one punished then.

Emmett: O-O

Edward: But you know it's not really his fault... You've witnessed how gullible he is... I mean, he listened to a "freak vamp with a sticky-note on her forehead".

Alice: *snorts* Yeah, what's that all about? Stupid Emmett.

Cullens: *raises their eyebrows at Alice*

Demetri: Huh? Good point.

Emmett: But-

Rosalie: *glares at him*

Emmett: *keeps mouth shut* :[

Demetri: Hmm...what to do...

Heidi: Aww, come on Demetri. You know hunky pea-brains like him have no self control over their idiotic urges.

Jasper: She's right.

Edward: Of course, she's hardly ever wrong.

Jasper: True.

Emmett: *fumes*

Heidi: *grins widely, believing the false flattery* Lets let them off with a warning.

Felix: No way!

Demetri: Alright, a warning.

Felix: *groans*

Demetri: But this is your ONLY warning; for all of you Cullens, not just the big dumb one.

Emmett: *growls* Alright, that's it! I've been quiet long enough!

Edward: Yes, five seconds is a record for you, isn't it?

Emmett: I- ... *glares*

Felix: *snickers*

Emmett: That does it. I'm bringing in reinforcements!... Or one reinforcement, anyway.

Alice: Oh! Mickey Mouse! ^.^

Everyone: o_O

Alice: *looks around at everbody* Oh... Donald Duck? ^.^

Emmett: No.

Alice: Chip and Dale? ^.^

Emmett: Um...Alice, no.

Alice: Arnold Schwarzenegger? ^.^

Emmett: Alice,- What? No!

Alice: I was only asking! No need to get all thirsty-newborn-angry on me. *pouts*

Felix: What reinforcement then? *is curious*

Emmett: *looks at Bella and grins*

Bella: ...?

Edward: Really, Emmett? I thought you wanted to prove you _weren't_ a bumbling idiot?

Emmett: Bring in the Ghost!

Bella: o-o

Cullens: *groans*

Volturi: ?

* * *

**~.Review.~ Pretty please? :]**


	22. She's out of control!

Emmett: Bring in the Ghost!

Bella: o-o

Cullens: *groans*

Volturi: ?

Emmett: Put him on, Bella.

Bella: Emmett, I don't know-

Emmett: DO IT!

Bella: ok o.o

-Bella puts Ghost on-

Ghost: *looks around* _(Oh great, I'm seeing dead people again. Maybe it's not too late to take my mother's advice and go into therapy...)_

Heidi: That's not a ghost... That's a cat.

Demetri: And you actually believed he meant a real ghost, Heidi?

Heidi: No, Demetri. *glares at him* I was informing the big Cullen about it...because, you know, he doesn't seem to understand things.

Ghost: _(Finally, someone I agree with.)_

Emmett: *ignores that* _(Ghost! My buddy. My pal. My best friend!)_

Ghost: _(Don't flatter yourself.)_

Emmett: _(As charming as always I see.)_

The Volturi: ...

Demetri: Is he talking to...

Rosalie: The cat? Yes. Yes he is.

Heidi: You're married to a moron.

Rosalie: And you look like crap!

Heidi: *hisses*

Everyone else: O.O

Jasper: Woah, Mount Rose just erupted.

Emmett: *-* So...hot...

Ghost: _(Strange... I didn't know the stooge of bloodsuckers had a mate. And a fairly attractive one at that, if you're in to that filthy species that is... Ick, look at him. How did he manage to make anyone fall for_ him_?)_

Emmett: *-* Angry...Rose...hot...

Ghost: _(What a disgusting display.)_

Heidi: *is glaring* Tell me, Rosalie, how does it feel living an eternity knowing you have no special qualities, your stuck in this circus of a coven, AND your eternal husband is an imbecile?

Rosalie: It could be worse. I could be YOU; destined to live forever alone and loveless with only scum like Felix and Demetri as company, and not having the proper beauty to make myself useful for anything but bait - and all you're needed to reel in are simple _humans. _The fisherman for the Volturi. It must be devastating knowing you have nothing going for you.

Heidi: Go to hell!

Edward: Um, Heidi, she's from hell.

Rosalie: *growls at Edward*

Edward: :x

Jasper: It would be wise to stay as far out of this one as possible, bro.

Edward: Don't have to tell me twice.

Alice: It would be wise to stay as far out of this one as possible, bro.

Edward: I said you DON'T have to tell me twice, Alice.

Alice: Well jeez, Edward, make up your mind!

Heidi: You think you know me, you hideous witch? Your comeback wasn't even true! 'Scum like Felix and Demetri'? That's a load of bull!

Felix: You tell her, Heidi.

Heidi: Demetri is the most gentlemanly member of the guard, and he makes excellent company.

-silence-

Felix: _And_...?

Heidi: And what?

Felix: Eh, what about me? *angry face*

Heidi: *looks at him dubiously* Don't kid yourself.

Felix: *glowers at her*

Emmett: lol

Ghost: _(Like you're one to laugh)_

Emmett: :D :O

-The Volturi start bickering-

Rosalie: *shakes head, irritated* I don't know how I can stand being in their obnoxious presence...

Ghost: _(Probably the same way you can stand the gorilla for a mate.)_

Emmett: _(At least I have a mate, unlike you, fuzzy!)_

Ghost: _(Oh, the treacherous freedom I have! No stressing over the heartbreaks of love or the slavery of commitment... How ever will I go on?)_ *falls on his back on Bella's lap, throwing one paw across his forehead in a dramatic pose*

Bella: *strokes Ghost's cheek* Are you okay, kitty?

Emmett: *murmurs* _(He's no cat. He's the satan of sarcasm...) _

Bella: *eyes Emmett suspiciously* Emmett, whatever you're telling him...STOP IT!

Emmett: o.o Fine, take his side, little miss sassy pants.

Alice: Excuse me, but if anyone here has sassy pants it's those two *points at Rosalie and Heidi*

Rosalie: Why thank-you, Alice, since you are the one who picked out my pants.

Heidi: How do you know what my pants are like? Huh?

Alice: Because I'm psychic. No, really! I am!

Jasper: I believe you, Alice.

Alice: And that's why I love you.

Jasper: :3

Alice: The only reason why.

Jasper: :O T~T

Heidi: Oh _puh_-lease.

Alice: Police? It's Charlie! Oh no, no ,no! I knew he saw me speed past that red light on my way out of Forks, but I didn't bother to check and now he's coming to confront me. But it was necessary I tell you! NECESSARY! That was the last day of that sale in Seattle and I had to wait till after school to leave so I didn't have time to wait five seconds at a red light! He must understand the urgencyyyyy!

Edward: Alice, my god, calm down.

Emmett: *sniggers*

Alice: Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!

-Jasper sends soothing waves of relaxation her way-

Alice: Oh no! Oh no. Oh no...*slams heads down on the computer desk*

Jasper: O_o?

Everyone: ...

Bella: Did you kill her... I mean, _really_ kill her?

-silence-

Emmett: Looks like it. Ya know that's not a nice thing to do, Jasper.

Jasper: -_-

Heidi: Ugh, I can't take much more of this nonsense.

Demetri: I never thought vampires could get headaches... This entire meeting has been absolutely ridiculous. What will Aro think of us?

Heidi: The question is, what will Aro think of Carlisle once we tell him how crazy this..._family_ is.

Rosalie: *grumbles* Stupid Italian vampire scum.

Felix: Hey! I might live in Volterra but I'm not even Italian!

Demetri: My sentiments exactly! *thinks for a minute* Wait...I am Italian*mopes*

Heidi: Heh, sucker

Demetri: *raises eyebrow* You're Italian, too.

Heidi: ...Aw damn!

Felix: Ha. Ha.

Jasper: I wouldn't 'ha. ha.' them if I were you.

Emmett: Yeah, if you live in Italy for as long as you have then you're officially Italian, too.

Felix: hmph

Emmett: *thinks: _hehe, I'm not as dumb as you all thought huh?_*

Edward: *rolls eyes, but laughs*

Bella: *whispers to Edward*- What's wrong with being Italian?

Edward: *shrugs* Beats me, but I'm staying out of this.

Bella: *nods* That is a good idea.

Alice: *pops head up* Can I be Italian as well? o.o^ *adds, mumbling to herself*-I just love spaghetti...

The Cullens: o-0

Felix: Sure you can...

Alice: YES!

Felix: But you ditch the sticky note.

Alice: *gasps* How dare you suggest such an atrosity!

Felix: Fine, enjoy being an American vamp for all eternity.

Alice: Nyuu! I. HATE. Hamburgers. *whines, then disappears*

Jasper: Where did she-

-Bella gets smacked in the head-

Bella: OW!

Edward: *growls* Alice!

Alice: *re-appears and grins innocently at Bella* Tag, you're it.

Bella: Huh?

Emmett: *gasps* Bella has been...

Rosalie: ...Posty-tagged

Jasper: It's all over for her now...

Edward: Bella, love, don't move

Bella: What are you guys talking about- *sees her reflection in the window; has a posty-note on the side of her head*

Bella: ...*hiccups*... *hiccups*... *hiccups*.. *hiccups* *hiccups* *hiccups* *hiccups* *hiccups* *hiccups* *hiccups* *hiccups*

Emmett: She's out of control!

Edward: Alice, this is all your fault!

Alice: I don't care, I'm Italian now =^.^=

Ghost: _(Pandemonium, disorder, alarm, insanity - looks like my work is already done here)_ *jumps off Bella's lap*

Emmett: You are a horrible reinforcement, cat!

-Ghost meows somehwere in Bella's room: _(Sorry, I didn't quite understand that. I don't speak monkey.)-_

Emmett: Humans aren't monkies! And neither are the vampire ones!... Though, I guess, technically there are no vampire humans... But the point still stands!

Felix: You Cullens are freaks. I don't know why Aro is so fond of you.

Jasper: Maybe because we're freakishly better than you?

Felix: ...Right. I'm leaving before the insanity of the golden-eyes rubs off on me. This is a perfect example of why you don't go against your natural food source.

**Felix logged off**

Heidi: I never thought I'd say this but I agree with Felix. *murmurs to Demetri*- This will be great to tell the others though.

Demetri: Definitely

Alice: Wait!

**Heidi logged off**

**Demetri logged off**

Alice: They left me...stupid Italian vampire scum!

Rosalie: Welcome back to our side, Alice.

Alice: Hmm...why did I want to be Italian again?

Bella: *hiccups*

Alice: Oh, that's right, Bella! It was that sticky notes fault. That was close, I almost joined the Volturi. Edward that thing is dangerous.

Edward: Ya think? *gestures to Bella*

Bella: *hiccups* hiccups* *hiccups* *hiccups*

Edward: Bella, take the post-it note off

Bella: *hiccups* NO! *hiccups*

Edward: Damn sticky note is like a drug, very addicting...

Jasper: And Bella is under the influence. It's shameful really.

Edward: It's _Alice's_ fault!

Jasper: Is it? Are you really going to blame poor innocent Alice over this?

Edward: Yes.

Jasper: Well fine! We don't need to take this from you! Lets go, Alice.

Alice: Right behind you, Jazz. *sticks tongue out at Edward*

**Jasper logged off**

**Alice logged off**

Rosalie: Way to go, Edward.

Emmett: Yeah, Alice never told us who prank called you guys. How are we supposed to get them back if we don't know who they are?

Bella: *hiccups*

Edward: Argh!

Bella: *burps*

Everyone: o.o

* * *

**Omc, that posty note is on a rampage with the VENGEANCE! *coughs*On another note, t****hank you to all those that reviewed! You're all amazing (but I'm sure you already knew that). =^_^=**


	23. Jeez, what a pig head

Emmett: OK! I have another idea of who prank called you guys.

Rosalie: I hope it's better than your last idea

Emmett: 100x better

Edward: no it's not

Emmett: SHUSH! So, Rose, want to hear my brilliant idea?

Bella: You-*hiccup*-can't-*hiccup*-be-*hiccup*-FREAKING SERIOUS!!-*hiccup**hiccup**hiccup*

Emmett: Bella, don't doubt me!

Rosalie: *sighs* What is it, Emmett?

Emmett: All right, there's only one person who would want to prank us.

Rosalie: Great. Like I haven't heard that before -_-

Emmett: This time I swear it, Rose!

Rosalie: Fine. Who is it then?

Emmett: The only other person who would want to mess with us, and is stupid enough to do it. ------ Jacob.

Bella: *hiccups* Jacob? *hiccups*

Emmett: Jacob Black of the smelly wolf pack. Also known as Mutt...Dog...Mongrel...Flea Bag...

Edward: Em, it's not-

Emmett: Yes it is! Bella, what's the pup's number?

Edward: You didn't listen to me last time either and look what happened

Emmett: Last time was just a lucky guess on your part

Edward: Are you asking for trouble?

Emmett: With the wolves? How much trouble could they give? *snorts*

Edward: Huh...good point.

Emmett: So, Bella, what's the phone number?

Bella: *stubbornly refuses to talk*

Emmett: Open your mouth and speak!

Bella: *opens mouth* *hiccups* *closes mouth*

Emmett: O.o hmm, I see the problem.

Edward: I know how to fix it...

Bella: NEVER *hiccup* *hiiiiiiiiccuuuuuuuuuuuuuppss*

Cullens: what the?

Rosalie: I never heard that come out of a human before

Emmett: Bella's weird

Bella: YOU'RE WEIRD

Edward: :O You didn't hiccup

Bella: *hiccups*

Edward: -_-

Bella: HAHA, just kidding!

Edward: =/

Emmett: She's back to normal...sort of. Quick, tell me the number now

Bella: NO!

Emmett: Jeez, what a pig head

Bella: YOU'RE A PIG HEAD!

Edward: You mean pigheaded, Emmett

Emmett: No, I mean pig head

Rosalie: Why does she keep yelling?

Bella: YOU KEEP YELLING!

Edward: I didn't know you could get so loud...

Bella: YOU'RE SO LOUD!

Edward: That does it. That sticky note is being burned.

Bella: YOU'LL BE BURNED IF YOU TRY ANYTHING!

Edward: Bella, stop making things so unbelievably hard!

Bella: YOU'RE UNBELIEVABLY HARD!

Everyone: ...

Bella: -gigglesnort-

Emmett: Bahaha! Are you sure you want the normal Bella back? This one is kinda funny.

Edward: *glares*

Emmett: Ok, ok, how about I do you a favor, Ed. Since I need that damn number, and you want your regular, normal, _innocent_ Bella back, I'll go over and snatch that posty note from her head.

Bella: O_O

Edward: ...ok, deal.

Emmett: Ok!

**Emmett logged off**

Bella: NOOO! CHARLIE, LOCK THE DOORS, BOLT THE WINDOWS, TURN OFF THE LIGHTS!! HURRY, DAD, HURRY!

-Charlie is heard: _Bella, what's wrong-?_-

Bella: *slams door in his face and locks it* DON'T COME IN MY ROOM!

-Charlie: _sorry..._-

**Bella logged off**

Rosalie: Wow.

Edward: I second that.

-long silence-

Edward: So......what's on your mind?

Rosalie: *rolls eyes*

**Emmett logged on**

Emmett: I got it! *holds up the dangerous sticky*

Rosalie: ...What's on it?

Emmett: Huh? Oh. Some of Bella's hair.

Edward: What...?

**Bella logged on**

Bella: I have a bald spot!!!

Edward: :O Emmett! *growls*

Emmett: She's exaggerating! Besides it's not my fault Alice stuck it there or that _your_ post-it note is super sticky--it should be worn out by now, but it's like the vampire of posties

Rosalie: very fitting

Bella: *is absently rubbing head with a sad face*

Edward: You still hurt her! I should never have trusted you

Emmett: She was the one being difficult about it *pouts* Do you know she yelled to Charlie that I was in her room? Then when she screamed he nearly broke down the door; I had to get out of there so that's why I just yanked it off her head.

Rosalie: You still didn't have to rip her poor hair out

Emmett: Your siding with Bella?

Rosalie: I can appreciate the importance of a girl's hair. You should have found another way to rid her of that drug Edward so foolishly created

Edward: *glares* There's nothing even wrong with it. It's all psychological.

Emmett, Bella, Rosalie: LIAR!

Edward: Whatever *scowls*

Emmett: We'll see if it is....

Edward: No!

Emmett: *sticks posty on himself*

Everyone: *quietly waits for strange thing to happen*

Emmett: ...

Everyone else: ...

Emmett: ...Pie!

Rosalie and Bella: ...pie?

Edward: ...It's not-

Emmett: Pepperonis!

Edward: *relaxes and smirks*

Emmett: Sherlock Holmes!

Edward: It's not working for you, Em.

Emmett: *scowls* Blood, blood, blood!

Rosalie: You're trying too hard...

Emmett: Hmph

**Emmett logged off**

Bella: Why doesn't it work for him?

Edward: I told you it was all in your head, didn't I?...Not to mention Emmett's already got the mind of a posty-note

Rosalie: *glares defensively*

**Emmett logged on**

Emmett: YO!

Everyone: O_O

Emmett: *is covered in sticky-notes*

Edward: Emmett…?

Emmett: Just think how random I'll be with these!! *wiggles eyebrows*

Rosalie: I'd rather not, actually

**Jacob logged on**

Emmett: *gasps* It's him!

Rosalie: Oh great...

Emmett: Yo, pup, what's your phone number?

Jacob: Why would I give it to you? *eyes suspiciously* And why are you covered in all those post-it notes?

Emmett: The answer to the second question is irrelevant. As for the first, I need- No, _we_ need the number for, um, Bella. We were just talking about her going down to La Push next weekend while we go hunt, but first she wanted to call you to make sure it was ok. She lost your number though, so that's why I asked....

Jacob: Oh! Why didn't you say so in the first place? Ok, Bella, my number is 135-2468!

Emmett: e.e *grins mischievously and sneaks away*

Bella: :o

Jacob: But you don't need to call, Bella. Just come down anytime and I'll drop whatever I'm doing just for you, and we'll do whatever you want with no complaint from me. Why? Because I love you more than the leech. That's why!

Edward: *glares* I beg to differ

Jacob: See? He's begging me. You deserve someone better than him, Bells.

Rosalie: I guess that eliminates you from the picture then, dog.

Jacob: Blondie, you're still here? I usually scare you off by now.

Rosalie: *scoffs* I'm just sticking around for my own benefit--something interesting might happen.

-Rose and Edward smirk-

Bella: ... Jake, you might want to disconnect your phone.

Jacob: Why would I do that? Someone might call.

-Jacob's phone rings in the background-

Jacob: You see?

Bella: That's what I was afraid of

Jacob: I'll be right back

-Jacob walks away from computer, out of his room-

Bella: ...Do you think that's Emmett?

Edward and Rose: Oh, that's Emmett.

Bella: He's really sure it was Jacob

Edward: *rolls eyes* He rushes into things too fast

Rosalie: So how do you know it wasn't the mutt?

Edward: I didn't get to read Alice's vision, but I know she did have one. If any of the wolves were involved she wouldn't have seen anything.

Rosalie: ...hmph

Bella: ...What do you think Emmett will say?

Edward: I don't know

Rosalie: but he better make it good

-Jacob yells from other room: _What the hell are you talking about?!-_

Bella: O.o

Rosalie: *grins evilly*

-long silence-

-Jacob: _What the hell?-_

Edward: Sounds like Emmett's really getting to him

-Jacob: _WHAT DO YOU WANT?!-_

Edward and Rosalie: *sniggers*

Bella: Poor Jake

-Jacob: What?!- -Phone slams-

Bella: o-o

-Jacob comes stomping back to computer-

Bella: Who was that, Jake?

Jacob: *points menacingly at Rosalie and Edward* Your filthy family of leeches needs some serious help!

**Jacob logged off**

Everyone: ...

Bella: Your family? I thought it was just Emmett who called him?

Edward: Well, here comes Emmett now...

**Emmett logged on**

Emmett: Dude! Esme's got some moves!

Rosalie and Bella: ...?

Edward: ....what. the. hell?

* * *

**What went down on the phone? How did Esme get involved? And what part does Edward's sticky note play in this? All shall be revealed in the next chapter!**


	24. Run, Carlisle, Run!

**A quick update :O**

**Okay, so Esme's lovely mask of sanity is about to slip... Can't say you weren't warned.**

* * *

**Alice logged on**

**Jasper logged on**

Alice: You guys won't believe what's wrong with Esme!

Rosalie: What's going on? What happened on the phone, Emmett?

Bella: And why does Edward look like he just went into shock?

Emmett: Probably because he did... Jasper did that, too.

Jasper: Well, it was disturbingly weird to see...and feel *shudders*

Edward: *shakes head and squeezes eyes tight* That was unnecessary to think! *glares at Emmett*

Emmett: Sorry, bro, but Carlisle's face was priceless.

Jasper: *smirks* Well, _that_ was funny.

Alice: He was just as startled as we were.

Rosalie: What are you talking about?

Emmett: ok, look, this is what happened-

**Esme logged on**

Emmett: Nevermind, I can't tell you now :x

Esme: Can't tell them what? What were you going to tell them? Were you going to tell me, too? Or is that why you can't tell them anymore? Would you like to dance? I learned that dancing solves all our problems. ^-^

Bella and Rosalie: o-o?

Jasper: ...Esme, may I ask you what you hunted today?

Esme: No you may not *glares suspiciously*

Edward: But...did anything unusual happen to you?

Alice: Yeah, did you run into somebody strange?

Jasper: Drink something odd?

Emmett: Get abducted by aliens?

Esme: *glares at them all* Why are you asking me all these questions? Are these questions relevant? Do they serve a purpose? Will this purpose benefit me? Why do you all have those looks on your faces? Do you think I've gone crazy? Have I gone crazy? Please don't tell me I've gone crazy. Carlisle will defend me, he will!

Edward: Esme, you're starting to sound like Alice when she had the...*gasps*

Everyone but Emmett: *looks curiously at Edward*

Emmett: o.o SO...Esme, how was your day? ^-^'

Jasper: Figure somethin out, Edward?

Emmett: Nohedidn't! How was your day, Esme, huh?

Esme: My day? Hmmmm...

Edward: I think I figured it out...

Esme: My day? Lets see... My day...

Emmett: Come on, Esme, answer faster than that *is nervous that he'll be found out*

Edward: But how would it end up on her?...No that can't be it.

Bella: What can't? ... *gasps* You don't mean-

Emmett: FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, ANSWER MY QUESTION WOMAN!

Everyon: :O

Esme: Emmett Cullen!...What a well done demand. It was very emotional, full of passion and frustration and impatience. I think you got that from me ^.^

Everyone: ...

Rosalie: Yeah...that's not out of character.

Bella: *whispers* Edward, something is seriously wrong with Esme, do you think it's-

Emmett: *quickly butts in* No, no, that's not true. It's really nothing. I'm just her favorite, that's all.

Edward: Yea-wait *frowns* When did that happen? T~T

Esme: Oh! Carlisle came back for me, I knew he still loved me! I'll be right back dears *skips away from computer*

Jasper: Carlisle's back already? She had scared him away- *gasps*

-everyone sees a sticky note stuck to her back-

Everyone but Emmett: :O

Emmett: … :O

Alice: Emmett! What did you do?

Edward: _You_ did it then! *growls at his brother*

Emmett: What? I'm just as shocked as you are-

Jasper: You think you can lie to _us_?

-Edward, Alice, and Jasper stare him down-

Emmett: ...

Everyone else: *glares*

Emmett: ...STOP STARING AT ME! I did it, ok? I did it!

Bella: But why would you do that? It's Esme!

Emmett: I just wanted to see what would happen

Rosalie: Ugh! What exactly did happen?

Emmett: How about I start from the beginning?

Everyone: Good idea

_-Emmett's flashback-_

Jacob: Ok, Bella, my number is 135-2468

Emmett: e.e *grins mischievously and sneaks away* I got the number. I got the number. *enters living room* Hehehehehe

Esme: ...

Emmett: *pulls out phone* Hehehehehehehehe

Esme: ...?

Emmett: *dials number* Hehehehe

Esme: What are you snickering about over there?... And should I ask why you are covered in-

Emmett: No, don't ask!

Esme: Ok... So what are you doing?

Emmett: Prank calling the pup

Esme: Emmett...

Emmett: It's payback, Esme

Esme: What is with you kids and revenge?

Emmett: Have you ever tried revenge?

Esme Not really, but-

Emmett: Then there's your problem right there. *shakes off stickies* Don't worry though, Mom, I got your back. *claps Esme gently on the back* You can help me with Jacob.

Esme: Emmett, do you really think I would want to...to...to...

Alice: *walks into room*

Emmett: *quickly straightens out and looks innocent*

Esme: ...

Alice: *pauses* What's up with Esme?

Emmett: Beats me. I was just about to get my revenge on Jacob and I asked if she wanted to help and-

Esme: We can take him!

Emmett and Alice: *jumps*

Alice: What?

Esme: We can take the wolf-boy!

Emmett: Jacob?

Esme: Yeah, that one!

Alice: You actually want to help him?

Esme: I got it! We can take him on in a dance battle. Is that good? I'm new at this whole revenge thing. So is that a good idea? I know we can win if we competed against him, especially with the three of us dancing. I got every move we need. Oh, we can sing! I can sing! You two can help! I got a million songs we could use!

Alice: *whispers to Emmett* This is...

Emmett: Weird. I know.

Esme: I can do ballet, I can do the Twist, I can Cha Cha, I can do the Robot, I can Salsa...and I can sing at the same time! Talk aout multi-tasking ^.^

Emmett: Um, I need someone who can, um, um *looks at Alice for help*

Alice: *tries to think of something fast*

Emmett: Um...

Alice: *eyes brighten, mouths 'break dance'*

Emmett: Um, break dance. Yeah, I need someone who can break dance. So sorry, Mom, that means not you. Ok? Bye. *is about to leave*

Esme: *growls and grabs Emmett by the shirt collar* Why not me? I can do that!

Alice and Emmett: o.O ... *looks at each other, then back at Esme*

Emmett: ...I can't picture it.

Esme: I'll prove it!

Emmett: I don't know if I want you to...- Huh? Crap! I forgot I already dialed the number. The phone's ringing. We don't have time for dancing now, Esme.

Esme: Oh, ok I'm ready, I'm ready! Wait for the right moment and then we'll sing this perfect song I picked, together!

Alice: *tries to sneak away*

Esme: *pounces on Alice and drags her back*

Alice: T-T Why are you acting this way, Esme?

Esme: Sssshhhh! Get ready. Do your thing, Em. And this is the song *whispers in their ears*

-Alice and Emmett look at each other, and shrug-

Emmett: Sure, you got it, Mom...

Esme: *beams*

Alice: Do I _have to do it, too_?

Esme: Do you want to keep your Porsche?

Alice: T-T yes

Esme: Then YES!

Alice: *whimpers*

-phone is answered-

Jacob: Hello?

Emmett: Hello, Jack Black?

Jacob: Who?

Emmett: Captain Jack?

Jacob: There's no-

Emmett: The Little Mermaid?

Jacob: What?

Emmett: Excellent! I'm looking for a Jacob Black?

Jacob: This is him... *is already confused*

Emmett: Are you sure?

Jacob: Of course I'm sure O_o

Emmett: Ok, I was just making sure you knew who you were. I know how slow you La Push people can be sometimes.

Jacob: *is irritated now* Who is this?

Emmett: I'm a psychic from the SSO, also known as The Sixth Sense Organization.

Jacob: Never heard of it

Emmett: Ah, but we've heard of you.

Jacob: creepy -_-

Emmett: I'm calling because I see you have problems, serious problems… I see things going down that must be stopped. And I will stop them, or my name isn't Dr. Otto Mattic!

Jacob: What the hell are you talking about?

Emmett: You need a doctor, Mr. Black, and I'm here for you.

Jacob: Yeah right. I don't need help.

Emmett: That's not what Embry said.

Jacob: What? Embry?

Emmett: I meant Sam.

Jacob: Sam?

Emmett: No Bella.

Jacob: _Bella_?

Emmett: Stop changing the subject! Now I need to ask you a few questions.

Jacob: The hell you do.

Emmett: This is very important, please cooperate. Do you have any silver bullets?

Jacob: O-o No

Emmett: Good, because some of these questions might make someone like you go insane.

Jacob: Go insane?

Emmett: As in, try to kill yourself.

Jacob: What? O.O

Emmett: But since you have no silver bullets, you can't. HAHAHAHA!

Jacob: What the...?

Emmett: Now, do you like sandwiches?

Jacob: What does that have to do with anything?

Emmett: I'm the one asking the questions, Mr. Black - who I sometimes confuse with your friend Mr. Brown!

Jacob: *sighs* Yes, I like sandwiches

Emmett: Do you like peanut butter?

Jacob: Yes.

Emmett: Jelly?

Jacob: Yes.

Emmett: If a dog chews shoes, what shoes should he choose to chew?

Jacob: I don't...know...wait, what?

Emmett: Do you know what your answers imply, Mr. Black?

Jacob: I don't even know what your damn questions imply

Emmett: *sighs* The poor boy doesn't even know what it means. It's tragic.

Jacob: Is there point to this? *glowers into phone*

Emmett: Yes, the whole point of this is that it's...

Esme: PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME! PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!

Alice: Now where he at? Where he at? Where he at? Where he at?

Emmett: Now there he go. There he go. There he go. There he go.

Esme: Peanut butter jelly!

Alice and Emmett: Peanut butter jelly!

Esme: Peanut butter jelly!

Alice and Emmett: Peanut butter jelly!

Esme: *break dances while singing* Do the peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat.

Alice and Emmett: *is shocked and disturbed but follows her lead* Do the peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat.

Jacob: What the hell? This isn't some organization. Who are you?

All three Cullens: Break it down! Wooooo!

Esme: *does the worm*

Alice: Woo - O.o - ooo! *says quietly*-Go...Esme?

Emmett: Woo! Yeah! *silently looks at Alice; both are weirded out*

Jacob: Oh my god, this is ridiculous. Who are you and WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Esme: Carlisle!

Jacob: What?

-Esme flees outside where Carlisle just pulled up in his car-

Emmett: o.o uh oh

Jacob: Carlisle?…

Alice: *yells into phone* I'm Rosalie, not Alice! *runs away*

Emmett: o-O

Jacob: *growls and hangs up*

Emmett: Well that was weird...in a somewhat intriguing way...

Jasper: *walks in the room and glances out window as he passes* -.- O-O *does double take out window*

Emmett: What's with the face? *joins him and looks outside*

Both boys: ...

Alice: *appears out of nowhere* Jazz, we can't be at the scene of the prank call- *sees out window* Oh wow... Esme sure is acting strange today, isn't she?

Jasper: *breaks out of shock* What is wrong with her?

Alice: What a good question. You should have seen her a minute ago. She's usually more reserved than this...

Carlisle: Esme, I don't think this is entirely appropriate to be doing right now...

Esme: You're right...

Carlisle: *sighs* oh thank goodness,

Esme: We need rope!

Carlisle: I thought- O-O

Emmett: ...*mouth thins*

Alice: Poor Carlisle doesn't know what's going on...

Emmett: *tries to stifled laugh, but can't* Ahahahahaha!

Carlisle: *hears* Esme, our children are watching... *looks like he could be blushing*

Esme: *waves to them* Hello, dears, I hope you're taking notes

Cullen kids: We'd rather not!

Esme: *finds chains* o.o hmm? Oh well! *takes chains and flings herself on Carlisle*

Cullen kids: o_o *covers each other's eyes*

Carlisle: *breaks free and runs for it*

Esme: Carlisle?

Carlsle: Ineedtohunt

Cullen kids: Run, Carlisle, run!

Esme: Don't listen to them my precious! *chases after him*

_-End Emmett's flashback-_

Emmett: And that's what happened.

Everyone: ...

Rosalie: Alice...

Alice: Yes, Rose, my all time favorite sister? ^-^

Rosalie: Why did you yell into the phone that you were me?...

Alice: Because I've always wanted to be you and that seemed like the perfect opportunity because the other person can't see me. You should be flattered. ^-^

Rosalie: ...

Alice: ...

Rosalie: You just didn't want to get caught by the mutt!

**Rosalie logged off**

Alice: Jazz, she's gonna eat me!

-something tries to tackle Alice but hits the computer instead-

**Alice was disconnected**

**_To be cotinued...because the chapter was getting too long. ^-^'_**


	25. I Was Stuck In A Window!

_Rosalie: Why did you yell into the phone that you were me?..._

_Alice: Because I've always wanted to be you and that seemed like the perfect opportunity because the other person can't see me. You should be flattered. ^-^_

_Rosalie: ..._

_Alice: ..._

_Rosalie: You just didn't want to get caught by the mutt!!!_

****

_Rosalie logged off_

_Alice: Jazz, she's gonna eat me!!!!!!_

_-something tries to tackle Alice but hits the computer instead-_

****

_Alice was disconnected_

* * *

Esme: *sings* I am baaaccckk!!!!

Bella: Welcome back, Esme?

**Carlisle logged on**

Carlisle: Kids, do you have any idea what's wrong with your-

Esme: Carlisle!!! =*.*=

Carlisle: *gulps*

Esme: Is something the matter, Carlisle, dear? You can tell me. I will help you. I LOVE you after all! What were you going to ask them? Is there something wrong with someone? There shouldn't be something wrong with anyone. Not on my watch!

Carlisle: Er...uh...there's nothing wrong, per se...

Esme: Well, in that case I'm off! *pauses* By the way...

Carlisle: *is hesitant* Yes?

Esme: I like it when you wear those tight trousers, Carlisle. They really show off your package ;)

Carlisle: -O_O-

Everyone else: *tries really, really, really, really hard not to laugh*

Esme: *winks and waves flirtingly*

**Esme logged off**

Carlisle: -O_O-

Everyone: ....

Emmett: What's the matter, Carlisle? You should be damn proud *chokes on laughter*

Carlisle: Ineedtohunt

**Carlisle logged off**

Everyone: *bursts out laughing*

Jasper: Kind of feel bad for the guy.

Edward: Emmett, you better go take that sticky note off Esme. Now!

Emmett: Who died and made you boss?

Edward: I did!

Emmett: Well, fine!

**Emmett logged off**

**Jacob logged on**

Edward: *sighs* great, one idiot logs off and another comes on. We just can't rid the world of them.

Jacob: That was a pleasant greeting, thanks.

Bella: Hey, Jake. Your hair's growing back pretty fast.

Jacob: Yeah, it's another werewolf thing. It's usually pretty annoying, because we have to cut our hair so often, but since you shaved me I'm actually grateful for it for the first time. *glares at Bella*

Edward and Jasper: *smirks*

Jacob: And don't you bloodsuckers think about laughing! Especially after prank calling me like that. Don't you have anything better to do with your non-lives?

Jasper: As of now? No.

Edward: We've done everything there is to do. We'll have to wait another few years until something new happens.

**Rosalie logged on**

Rosalie: Alice got away from me.

Jasper: Naturally e.e

Rosalie: *glares* But I broke her computer

Jasper: *frowns* I just bought her that

Rosalie: *smiles victoriously*

**Emmett logged on**

Emmett: Ok, I have some good news and some bad news.

Everyone: Oh great

Emmett: The good news is I got the posty off of Esme!^^

Rosalie: You did? That's a relief.

Bella: I like normal Esme :)

Edward: Did you burn it this time?

Emmett: Well...that's the bad news...

Edward: Emmett...*growls*

Emmett: Hey, hey, wait! I didn't do it on purpose. It's quite a funny story actually.

Jasper: Oh? Amuse us then.

Emmett: *clears throat nervously* Ok, see, I was real sneaky like, jumping on top of Esme and snatching that sticky off her back.

Edward: You pushed her down the stairs?!

Emmett: That was her fault! Anyway, I got the sticky, right, and I ran away really fast down the hall before Esme could see it was me - though I could tell she was all dazed and confuzzled anyway when she hit the floor. It was impressive she landed on her feet though.

Bella: Did you just say confuzzled?

Emmett: Keep on track here, Bella. I ran into mine and Rose's room and shut the door all quiet like. I had to pause for a minute, processing I had succeeded in the first phase of my attack on the post-it note of doom. When I realized I had, I held up the sticky and laughed! Laughed in a kind of demonic, possessed way. But it was evil! *grins evilly*

Everyone: ...

Emmett: And then *evil face turns shocked* a huge gust of wind blew through the room - someone never shut the window *glances pointedly at Rose*

Rosalie: Wha-? *glares*

Emmett: The sticky slipped right out of my fingers!

Jasper: :O What happened next?

Edward, Jacob, Rosalie, Bella: *raises an eyebrow at Jasper*

Jasper: *composes self* Sorry. His enthusiasm rubs off on me whether I want it to or not.

Emmett: *ignores them* And then it swirled around the room. I tried to grab it but before I reached it - _whoosh!_ - it was sucked right out the window! I automatically tried to jump out after it, but I couldn't fit and got stuck *looks glum at that*. I didn't panic, though. I was very calm, very cool and savvy like as I watched it fly away. And then...Carlisle appeared!

Everyone but Edward: :O

Edward: *groans* oh no...

Emmett: He was coming back from that quick little 'hunting trip'. The panic hit then. I watched oh so helplessly as the tiny yellow sticky floated along with the wind. I tried to get out of the window without breaking it; Esme was back to normal so I knew she'd be angry if I broke that window again so soon. I struggled and struggled but it was a lost cause! *throws hands over face dramatically as he pauses*...

Everyone: ...

Emmett: BUT

Everyone: *jumps*

Emmett: that's when the unthinkable happened. It seemed like fate was on my side. Right when the sticky was about to hit him, Carlisle stopped and bent down to pick something up off the ground, and the sticky flew right over him.

Everyone: *relaxes*

Bella: Oh...so the sticky note wasn't burned, but at least it's gone.

Emmett: When Carlisle stood back up the wind shifted suddenly in the other direction and the sticky flew onto him.

Everyone: WHAT?!

Emmett: I told you it was bad news, didn't I?

Rosalie: Emmett!

Emmett: What?

Edward: How could you let this happen?

Emmett: I didn't do it!

Jasper: It was one simple task, Em.

Emmett: Weren't you listening to my story? It was not _simple_!

Edward: Grizzly bears sure, no problem, but when it comes to taking out a post-it note...

Emmett: I was _**stuck**_ in a _**window**_!

Edward: Argh!

Jacob: Wow. It's kind of sad a vampire can't take on a post-it note... *mumbles to self*-not that I get what's wrong with the sticky note anyway.

Rosalie: I never thought I'd say this - ever - but I agree with the mutt

Emmett: :O You picked the dog over me???

Rosalie: *grimaces at the thought* Yes

Emmett: ……

**Emmett _sadly_ logged off**

Rosalie: -_-

Jasper: You know it's bad when he adds words to his sign off message

Rosalie: *sighs* Oversensitive idiot

**Rosalie logged off**


	26. Darn it, I lost it!

Bella: Jeez, so now the posty is on Carlisle?

Edward: *is scowling* Apparently

Jasper: This is entirely your fault, Ed

Edward: Me? I was kidding about that damn post-it note and Alice went and put it in everyone's heads that it made you crazy!

Jasper: Don't start blaming her again. Who put it in her head, huh?

Edward: ...Not...me *doesn't sound convincing*

Jacob: Sounds like it was you

Edward: *growls* Put a muzzle on it, mutt

Jacob: *rolls eyes* I don't even get what's wrong with a stupid little piece of paper

Edward: Nothing! That's what I've been trying to say this whole time! *sighs* But I guess it's too late now

Jasper and Bella: It truly is

**Esme logged on**

Esme: Dears, I am hear to warn you...

-everyone glances at each other-

Esme: I would be careful when talking with Carlisle.

Bella: Why?...

Esme: Well-

**Carlisle logged on**

Esme: ...

-everyone's quiet-

Carlisle: ...

Jacob: ...Hey, doc

Carlisle: Doc. An abbreviation for the word doctor or document. Document. A file extension most commonly used for Microsoft Word. Word. This holiday season give **word** lovers on your list the gift of language-

Jacob: What are you talking about?

Carlisle: About us. About you. About medical professions. About getting started. About the New World. About the Volturi. Learn about who we are, what we do, and how you can get a job with us-

Jacob: He's lost it

Carlisle: _Lost It_ and over 300,000 other books you can get now! Lost It - Gorilla Zoe ft. Lil Wayne, you can download it. Lost, the finale on ABC. Darn it, I lost it!

Jasper: He sure has...

Esme: *sighs*

Carlisle: *sighs* is an audible exhalation of air arising from tiredness or emotion, usually sadness-

Jacob: On the plus side, he knows more than I thought he did.

Carlisle: Did. Did you take that medicine like I told you? I did not finish with that patient. Did - past tense of do. Do. To do, do nothing, do your best, do it yourself, I'll do it. Do you have elk nearby, perhaps mountain lions? Do what you think is right.

Jacob: Do this: Stop!

Carlisle: Stop! Freeze! Halt! Cease!

Bella: Jake, you're not helping.

Carlisle: Helping. Helping Hands, Inc. is a non-profit organization committed to helping ones in need. Help. Assist. Protect. Save. Save me. You must save my son! Save our souls.

Edward: *scoffs* Soul

Carlisle: Soul - Edward has one.

Edward: o.o *glares suspiciously at his father*

Esme: Silence sounds like

The kids: ???

Carlisle: Silence. Sshh. Silence sound like: .................

-silence-

The kids: *mouth* oh :)

Esme: ^-^'

-nobody says a word-

**Rosalie logged on**

**Emmett logged on**

Everyone: *waving at them not to say anything*

Emmett: Don't worry guys, I'm feeling better!

Everyone: *smacks their foreheads*

Carlisle: Feeling better? She looks better. Gets better, I promise. Getting better, getting well. Healing.

Rosalie: O-o

Emmett: What the-?

Carlisle: What the. What the duck? What the font? What the hell - reality gone wrong, again.

Rosalie: You can say that again...

Carlisle: Again. Once more. Another time. Anew. _Again_ lyrics here! Don't do that again. I have to hunt _again_!

Emmett: I thought he was only attacked by the sticky, not brain-transferring aliens too.

Carlisle: Aliens on the brain? The aliens are constantly listening to my brain. Can Alien Robots exist? Aliens. Extraterrestrials. E.T. Space invaders. The belief that space invaders have arrived-

Jacob: Psh. There's no knowledge of aliens.

Carlisle: If there is no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?

Everyone: …

Carlisle: Yeah, so, sink your teeth into that and SUCK IT!

**Carlisle logged off**

Everyone: O_O

Jacob: Wow, that last part just came out of him like a demon during an exorcism

Emmett: *can't stop from laughing* Ahahaha! Carlisle's been through a lot. He had a lot to share that he's been keeping locked up, huh?

Edward: *sighs* Cullens, our compassionate father has been corrupted. I hope you know what this means.

Rosalie: It means we must stop this madness

Jasper: Once and for all

Edward: Exactly

Emmett: All right, lets do this. *grins* And nothing will get in my way this time. Yes, that means you windows!

Esme: ...I don't think I'm understanding

Bella: Esme, you're lucky you don't understand. Trust me.

-Suddenly, Esme's phone rings-

Esme: ??? *answers* Hello?

Caller: Is your eggo prego?

Everyone: :O

Rosalie: *is now glaring*

Esme: …

*phone goes dead*

Esme: T~T

**Esme logged off**

Rosalie: That's it! Those filthy pranksters...ugh! Those bastards are going down! Get Alice! We'll torture the information out of her if we have to

Emmett: That's the spirit, Rose

Jasper: *whimpers* Torture?

Bella: Poor Esme...

Edward: Don't worry, Bella, we'll get them back.

Bella: And how long have we been trying to do this? -_-

Emmett: This time we'll do it for sure!

Jacob: Hmmm, this sounds interesting, I think I'll stick around for a while.

Rosalie: Edward, Jasper, track down Alice!

**Rosalie logged off**

**Jasper logged off**

Emmett: You heard her, bro. Time to find Shorty... Rose is headed for the Mall, Jasper is off to the woods, I'll get Munchkin Land, you check all our closets.

**Emmett logged off**

Edward: I'll be back

Bella: Ok

Edward: I actually wasn't talking to you, love. I was warning the _dog_ *glares at Jacob*

Jacob: Ooo, I'm so scared.

Edward: You say it sarcastically to hide how terrified you truly are...I would know

**Edward logged off**

Jacob: *yells* Whatever, you lying leech!

Bella: Jake, was that really necessary? He can't hear you anymore.

Jacob: Made _me_ feel better

Bella: *shakes head at him*

Jacob: Hey, Bella...look at me

Bella: *looks*What- Jake! What are you doing?! *gasps*

_**To Be Continued...**_


	27. Jasper, she's not a dessert

**Jasper logged on**

**Edward logged on**

Edward: Couldn't find Alice but at least we managed to grab the post-it note off Carlisle.

Jasper: Just keep it away from me -_-

Edward: Now all we have to do is burn-

Jacob: Hey, leech!^^

Edward: *glowers* What?

Jacob: *sings* Look what I did, look what I did

Edward: What are you talking abou-

Bella: *-*

Edward: :O

Jacob: I do that dazzly thing to, Bella, too!

Edward: Bella?

Bella: *-*

Edward: Bella!

Bella: *-*

Edward: Bella, speak to me!

Bella: *-*

Edward: That's...impossible...

Jacob: I win e.e

**Jacob logged off**

Edward: No!

Jasper: …I don't get it

Edward: *snarls* How did this happen? The mutt can't do that to my Bella. _My_ Bella!

Jasper: I'm sure I missed something...

Edward: How dare he dazzle her like this! That is my job and my job alone!...

Bella: *-*

Edward: Why, Bella? Why did you let him do this to you? This is absurd!

Jasper: I'm not surprised he managed it then.

Edward: What?! *mopes in a corner* Betrayed by my own brother T~T

Jasper: I'm just saying it's Jacob and Bella.

Edward: o_0 ... Still betrayed by my own brother T~T

Jasper: *sighs* Put Jacob and Bella together... T-T ... *shakes head* Dammit, you're starting to get to me! Look, put them together and what do you get?

Edward: A depressed Edward? T.T

Jasper: No! Do you know the phrase 'black swan'? People use it when a very rare event occurs. So, put Jacob _Black_ and Bella _Swan_ together and you get an unusual happening.

Edward: Like a depressed Edward? T.T

Jasper: NO! Like whatever happened right now that is so "absurd"...oh forget it, you always dumb-down when you're acting like this. There's nothing unusual about a depressed Edward anyway

Edward: *scowls* Like you're one to talk

Jasper: *mutters* Shut it

Edward: You're worse than I am

Jasper: I said shut it

Edward: You shut it

Jasper: Don't talk superior to me you copper-headed, forever-under-age, sullen Cullen! You're marrying an 18 year old, an adult - that's illegal!

Edward: Don't tell me what's illegal you crazy-haired, forever-over-emotional, male Hale! How many people have you eaten in the past, oh lets say, 30 years? 1981, remember that - _that_ was _illegal_!

Jasper: *growls* Only for humans! It ain't cannibalism or murder, it's the circle of life! And don't bring that up!

Edward: Or what?

Jasper: Or I'll forge a restraining order against you for Charlie and Bella. Lets see you stalk her then! Talk about lawsuits...

Edward: For the last time, I do not stalk! It's just following her around every place she goes so I can watch her, that's it! And that was only in the beginning

Jasper: Oh, how I hated seeing you stoop so low. A peeping tom you were...was...used to be...still are...

Edward: Shut up! I just want to make sure she's safe...I'm forever a gentleman damn you *pouts*

Jasper: You know, that restraining order sounds pretty good...I'm sure Charlie would agree with me...if he somehow found out Bella's never alone in her room at night...

Edward: You wouldn't dare! Not unless you want me to tell Rosalie who the _real_ culprit was that made her fourth wedding dress - her _favorite_, mind you - mysteriously burst into flames the day of the wedding. I'm sure the designer, a certain pixie-like vampire, you might know her, might not be happy about that as well.

Jasper: *glares* That was in the 60's!

Edward: You know how women are, they can hold on to grudges for years. Especially ones with photographic memories. Especially ones named Rosalie and Alice Cullen.

Jasper: Oh yeah? Well...

Edward: Well what?

Jasper: *points* Jacob did a dazzly thing to Bella!

Edward: *looks*

Bella: *-*

Edward: *breaks into a sob* BELLA, WHYYY?

Jasper: *smirks evilly*

**Emmett logged on**

Emmett: Screw, Alice

Jasper: I have

Emmett: I can't find her-...*grins stupidly* Good one

Edward: Bella, come on!

Emmett: Huh? What's wrong with our human this time?

Jasper: Some sort of dazzle disease passed down from the pup

Emmett: Like rabies?

Jasper: *shrugs* probably

**Rosalie (with Alice) logged on**

Rosalie: I got her!

-Alice is all chained up beside her, with an angry pouty face-

Emmett: Sweet! How did you manage to sneak up on her?

Rosalie: I didn't, that's impossible of course. So I decided to throw a bonfire, complete with fireworks at the end...the fuel being her beloved Porsche.

Alice: You mean, meanie, MEAN sister!

Emmett: You are mean, babe.

Alice: See :)

Emmett: You didn't invite me! I'm offended

Alice: Hey! :[

Rosalie: Idiot, I didn't actually do it. All I had to do was _decide_ to do it. She tackled me in the garage the moment I entered.

Jasper: And how did you win the ultimate 'mother-defending-her-cub' battle that was sure to occur? Alice isn't easily beaten

Alice: Of course I'm not^^

Rosalie: Only because she cheats

Emmett: Yeah, where's the fairness?

Alice: Jealous

Emmett: Justice!

Alice: *sticks tongue out*

Jasper: Fine. How did you win the fight, though?

Rosalie: You're an idiot, too. Alice came willingly to help me with the prankster problem. We didn't fight.

Alice: Ew, goodness no!

Emmett and Jasper: *are confused*

Rosalie: Do you know what that would have done to our hair and clothes?

Alice: And our cars were right there, we weren't risking getting carried away. We're not reckless like you boys.

Emmett and Jasper: ...

Emmett: Then...

Jasper: ...why is Alice your hostage?

Rosalie: For dramatic effect, of course!

-silence-

Emmett and Jasper: *sighs* of course

Edward: Bella, snap out of it! He's really not that dazzling! *sobs*

Alice: Hm? Jacob did that to Bella? Not you?...*stifles laugh*

Edward: You think that's funny?! *mopes in his corner* Betrayed by my own sister T~T

Jasper: Oh no -_- Not this again

Alice: Maybe the dog is more charming than we thought and he's just been holding out.

Edward: It can't be T~T

Jasper: ...That does it! I am going to snap Bella out of it before Edward gets worse and I find myself suddenly curled up in that corner with him

Alice: Yea, just give her a good kick in the gut

Emmett: Oooo *.* I'll help!

Edward: WHAT?! *glares at them both*

**Jasper logged off**

**Emmett logged off**

Edward: Alice, look what you did! Last time Emmett went over there he ripped her hair out

Rosalie: This won't end well

Alice: Nonsense. Jasper is there this time. What's the worst Emmett can do when being babysat?

-Jasper and Emmett appear next to Bella-

Jasper: Bella? *waves hand in front of her face* *snaps his fingers* *claps his hands* *yells in her ear* *pokes*

-nothing happens-

Emmett: It's not working. Shake her! *grabs her*

Edward: Emmett!!!

Jasper: *pushes Emmett away; Emmett flies across the room* Honestly, am I the only one with brains here? Shaking her like that won't help.

Edward: *sighs with relief*

Jasper: But if I bite her...

Rosalie and Alice: O_O

Edward: *snarls* What the hell is wrong with you?!

Jasper: Kidding^^

Edward: *is involuntarily crouched on his chair* That was NOT funny

Emmett: *sniggers* Made me laugh

Edward: Your opinion doesn't count

Emmett: What? Why the hell not?

Rosalie: Em, you laugh everytime you hear the 'pop' sound when Bella's making popcorn in the microwave

Emmett: So? Alice does, too!

Rosalie: Only because it reminds her of bubble wrap

Emmett: How does that make it all right for her?

Rosalie: You know how much Alice loves that stuff - especially all she gets out of it after she's done competing against her previous scores.

Alice: Yep. If I pop every bubble on the wrap individually with my pinky in less than 0.5 1/3 of a second the next time a package comes then I beat my record and Jasper's taking me shopping in Paris! *giggles excitedly* So it's not my fault that I get excited when I hear a popping sound. What's your excuse big brother? Oh, you don't have one! So you're just weird. *lol's like an evil villain*

Emmett: *scowls* great, thanks for helping them wound my ego, babe

Rosalie: So sorry

Emmett: Hey, wait, where'd Jazz go?

Jasper: *appears out of nowhere with a glass of water* Maybe if she drinks some

Edward: Good idea :)

Jasper: But her mouth is closed, so *dumps it on Bella*

Edward: :O *glares*

Bella: *-*

Jasper and Emmett: It didn't work! D:

Jasper: *leaves and comes back* How about milk? *dumps it on her*

Bella: *-*

Jasper: *leaves and comes back* How about soda? *dumps it*

Bella: *-*

Jasper: Champagne? *dumps it*

Bella: *-*

Jasper: Vitamin R? *dumps it*

Bella: *-*

Jasper: Coffee? *dumps it*

Bella: *-*

Jasper: Boiling hot water! *dumps it*

Bella: *-*

Jasper: Flour? *pours it*

Bella: *-*

Jasper: Sugar? Cinnamon? Sprinkles! Frosting! Ice Cream! Strawberries!! Chocolate syrup!!! Whip Cream!!!!!

Bella: *-*

Jasper: *is panting*

Emmett: Jasper, she's not a dessert

Jasper: *frowns*

Emmett: Not a dessert, that is, without a cherry on top!

Jasper: :O Why didn't I think of that?

Emmett: *puts a cherry on her head*

Bella: *-*

Emmett and Jasper: Dammit! *mumbles to themselves*-I was certain that would work...

Edward: -_- It's official. Both of you are completely, insanely stupid!

Rosalie: Well that's mean, Edward... But at the moment, true

Edward: And I expect that from Emmett, but Jasper?

Jasper: It's harder than it looks trying to wake her up

Emmett: You know, we could-

Everyone: No

Emmett: You haven't even heard my plan :(

Everyone: Fine. What?

Emmett: We could-

Everyone: No

Emmett: Hey!

Jasper: Hmmm...you know, maybe if we really try and think this through...... Oh, who am I kidding? This is taking too long! *kicks her chair; it breaks*

Bella: *hits floor* Gah! What the heck-? *jumps up and spins around*

Emmett: *has a mask on that looks like Victoria* Boo.

Bella: Eeeeaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!! *flails away and dives out window*

Emmett and Jasper: *gasps* NO!

-computer gets knocked over, screen goes to Bella's carpet, and the last thing heard is Emmett's fast, panicked voice-

Emmett: Stuck...window!

****

*Bella was disconnected*

-silence-

Edward: O-O

Everyone: ...

Edward: O-O B-Bella…l-love?

Alice: How silly... Bella should know she can't fly.

Edward: Aahh...*faints*

Alice: O.o And Edward should know he can't faint

Rosalie: *sighs* What has become of us?

* * *

**You know what they say, Edward. If you want something done right - or in this case, if you want the girl you love to not be harmed in the attempt to un-dazzle her - then you have to do it yourself. Ah, the lessons we can learn.**

**Next chapter: Did Bella miraculously learn to fly during the split seconds it takes to smash into the ground from her bedroom window? If not, lets hope Jasper and Emmett got to her in time - they're supposed to be fast, right? (Or does that not apply with window interferences?...) Alice finally, _finally_ reveals who the true pranksters are. And how exactly did Jacob dazzle Bella? **


	28. Oh, Happy Days

Alice: *pokes Edward*

Edward: X-x

Alice: Rose, maybe you should go get Carlisle

Rosalie: Nonsense, he's fine

Alice: I don't know...he's pale and not breathing...

Rosalie: -_- Really, Alice?

Alice: Gah! He has no pulse!!!

Rosalie: Would you stop that!

Alice: Don't worry, I'll revive him.

Rosalie: Oh, goodie

Alice: *jumps on his stomach*...*starts pounding on his chest*...*pulls him around the room by his hair*

Edward: X-x

Alice: Well, damn

Rosalie: You're being ridiculous, Alice. The only thing Edward is going to wake up for is Bella.

Alice: Hmmm... *bends down and whispers in his ear, imitating Bella's voice*-Edward, it's me Bellaaaaa.

Rosalie: Careful, he might kiss you

Alice: EEEK! *jumps as far back as possible*

Rosalie: *smirks*

Edward: X-x

Alice: Oh well, I tried. We're just going to have to wait for-

**Bella logged on**

Alice: BELLA!

Edward: *pops up* Who?

Alice: And Edward, too. Oh, happy days!

Bella: Which one of you paid Emmett to scare me like that? And do you know how sticky I am?! *glares*

Edward: Bella, you're okay! *laughs in relief*

Bella: Yes... It was Alice, wasn't it? *glares at Alice*

Alice: :O How dare you accuse innocent little me. After all I've done for you.

Bella: *sighs* Fine. So it's Rosalie, then.

Rosalie: What are you talking about? After all I've done for you...

Bella: You've never done anything for me

Rosalie: WHAT?! ...well, ok, yeah, that's true *shrugs*

Edward: Bella! ^.^

Rosalie: Besides, nobody paid Emmett to do anything

Alice: Yeah, Em and Jazz went there to snap you out of whatever the pup did to you

Edward: Bell- *glowers* How did he do it, Bella?

Bella: Huh? Jacob? Jacob did something?

Edward: He dazzled you!...

Bella: He- He did? o.o I remember him asking me to look at him...and then his shirt...and then... *gasps* *-*

Edward: ...Bella?

Bella: *-*

Everyone: ...

Bella: *-*

Edward: Nooooo! T~T

Alice and Rosalie: o-o

**Jasper logged on**

Jasper: OK! After all that crap, we finally woke her up! And_ I_ saved her just inches before she hit the ground because broad-hipped Emmett decided to jump out the window first and the dork didn't fit. After all my hard work I don't want to hear any more moping or complaining, got that, Edward?!

Alice: o.o Um, Jazz?

Jasper: Yes?

Alice: *points to Bella*

Jasper: *looks*

Bella: *-*

Jasper: ... *looks at Edward*

Edward: T-T

Jasper: OH FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY!

-Emmett is heard in the background on Bella's computer-

_Emmett: Wait!...Who you callin' a BROAD-HIPPED DORK?!_

Rosalie: O-o Emmett?

_Emmett: Hi, babe!_

Rosalie: Emmett, where are you? What are you doing?

_Emmett: Oh nothin. Just enjoying the nice view of the tree Bella's window gives..._

Rosalie: ... Are you still stuck?!

_Emmett: Of course I am! Bella won't help me because she's mad that I scared her. And Jasper deserted me, the meanie! *sniffles*_

Jasper: Serves you right... Besides for all we know it might do him some good hanging there, like airing his head out.

_Emmett: Jazz, you're a comedian? How come you never told me? Why don't you come on over here so I can give you a tip for your stand-up performance *growls threateningly at the end*_

Jasper: *smirks* No thanks. I'm pretty sure Alice gives better tips, and she's here, so...

Alice: *giggles*

_Emmett: When I get out of here..._

Alice: You should try Slim Fast!

_Emmett: I need no such thing!_

**Jacob logged on**

Jacob: Hey, what's going on?

Edward: YOU!

Jacob: Me? o.O

Edward: How did you dazzle my Bella?

Jacob: What, didn't she gush about it with you yet? *smirks*

Edward: *glowers* How. Did. You. Do It?

Jacob: Ok, Ok. Cool down.

_Emmett: Yeah, Edward. Don't get your virtuous pride all tied in a knot_

Jacob: *looks around* Where'd that come from?...

Edward: -_-

Jacob: Ok, anyway, want to know how I dazzled Bella?

Everyone: Yes!

Jacob: I ripped off my shirt ;)

Everyone: ...

Rosalie: And when that didn't work?

Jacob: *scowls* Keep your jealous trap shut, Blondie. Of course it worked.

Jasper: Wow, someone's feelings just spiked...Embarrassment, nervousness, frustration... Wonder what that could mean

Jacob: Nobody asked for a diagnosis, creepy Cullen

Edward: ...Why are you trying to hide your thoughts from me?

Jacob: Stay out of my head!

Edward: Believe me, I've tried. Do you realize how loud you are up there?

Bella: *blinks* What's going on?

Edward: Bella! ^.^

**Lauren logged on**

Jacob: Oh look at the time. I better get going-

Lauren: Jacob! I finally found the chat you're on. Sheesh! I was looking everywhere for you. Do you have that picture I asked for?

Edward: ... O-O

Jacob: Er...

Lauren: *notices everyone else* Oh...see ya later then

**Lauren logged off**

Edward: O-O

Bella: Jake, how do you know...? Why are you talking to...? I didn't know you two were friends.

_Emmett: Who was it? Who was it?_

Jacob: We...uh...aren't

Edward: O-O You...agreed...to...WHAT?!

Jacob: She paid me twenty bucks!

Bella: You'd do anything for twenties, won't you?

Jacob: Yea *shrugs*...Well, okay, she paid me with a camera. It was an awesome camera!

Edward: *asks slowly* And did you take that picture you promised her?

Jacob: ...No

Edward: Liar! Where is it? I want it burned, do you hear me? Burned!

Alice: And while you're at it, throw this in the flames, too *waves sticky note around*

Edward: What are you doing? *dives under desk* Be careful with that!

Alice: *quickly locks it in a drawer* Sorry :x

Bella: Wait, are you guys talking about the picture you showed me, Jake?

Jacob: Er...uh...

Edward: You...you showed...YOU- *anger suddenly vanishes as he realizes something* Bella, love, explain what he showed you

Jacob: I showed her my abs! Remember, Bells, remember those? Of course you remember, how could you forget?

Bella: Yes, I remember you ruining your shirt...and showing off your muscles...

Jacob: *grins widely*

Bella: I didn't understand what you were doing...

Jacob: *frowns*

Edward: *is amused now* Have you forgotten how long you've been running around without a shirt on, Jacob. If you expected that to work don't you think she would have been dazzled way before now?

Jacob: *grimaces*

Rosalie: Wait. It really didn't work?...Ahahaha!

Jacob: *glares at her and mumbles*- I'll have the last laugh, dumb leech

Bella: ...then you opened an envelope and held up a picture with...with...Edw-nak-show- *-*

Jasper: And there she goes -_-

_Emmett: A picture with what? Tell me!_

Edward: *smiles* It was me who dazzled her! It was _me_! x3 *is filled with bliss*

Jacob: Whatever. At least I still get my camera. This isn't over yet. I'll make Bella realize she's mine sooner or later. *is about to leave*

Edward: *smile vanishes* Oh no you don't. Burn that picture!

Jacob: Sorry, that Lauren chick gets it. I was the deal I reluctantly agreed to. Ha-ha, Sucker.

Edward: How dare you!

**Jacob logged off**

Alice: How funny...the pup doing business with one of the prank caller's. Who would've known?

Edward: How dare he-

Everyone: Did you just say prank caller?!

* * *

**Poor Edward and his photo. Poor Jacob and his dazzle-disaster (but at least he still gets his camera). Poor Emmett and his broad-hips. Three tragic tales in a chapter named 'Oh, Happy Days'.**

**Next chapter: Well, there are loose ends to tie, revenge to be done, two pieces of paper that need to be burned...**

**Thanks for all your precious reviews!^^**


	29. Give me your pants!

Alice: Yep! I said prank caller. Why? o.o

_Emmett: So that's...erg...it then! It was...erg...the humans the whole...erg...time! *is struggling to get out of the window*_

Bella: My friends?...

Alice: They have names, Bella! Mike, Lauren, Jessica, Tyler, and Eric.

Bella: But why would they-

Rosalie: Well, we're not exactly their best friends...especially since you came around

Bella: That makes me feel so good, thanks

Edward: How did I not hear about this in their heads at school?... And Lauren Mallory with that picture!!!

Bella: *gasps* I don't want her to have that picture! IT'S MINE!

Edward: ...

Bella: *blushes*

_Emmett: Do I smell a blush? What was even on the picture? *smirks curiously*_

Edward: I'd rather not say

Rosalie: Is it that bad?

Bella: Edward in the shower isn't bad!

Everyone: ...

Bella: The very opposite...aah... *-*

Edward: *sighs*

Jasper: ...so it was... *tries to hide his amusement*

Rosalie: ...it was Edward... *stifles laugh*

_Emmett: Bahahahaha! Were you posing, too?_

Edward: *growls*

Alice: You know it's what you get for showering with the window open, right?

Edward: *glares* How did he even get that picture without me hearing him?!

Alice: Oh. With his super duper zoom camera!

_Emmett: Oh snap._

Alice: Crackle?

_Emmett: And pop!^^_

Edward: Would you two...oh forget it. I think you're both turning stupid on me

_Emmett: Well we think you're already an idiot_

Alice: We're perfect for each other!

Jasper: ...she has a point

Edward: *grumbles something unintelligible*

Alice: But hey, I'm being serious about Jacob and his camera. Want to know how I know?

Everyone: Yes

Alice: All right, see, I was at my inspirational place in the forest, doodling designs, and the dog kept running up to me and barking the same question over and _over_ again *scowls*

_-Alice's flashback-_

Alice: *is singing* I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts. Deedily-dee-dee. There they are a standing in a row. Bum bum bum. Big ones, small ones, some as BIG as your HEAD!

Jacob: *appears for the eleventh time in a row that day* Hey, Shorty

Alice: ...

Jacob: Can you see me now?

Alice: ...

Jacob: Good! *runs off*

Alice: ...*appears to be cool and calm*..........Eeeeaaahh!!*rips her drawing pad into a bazillion angry pieces in the blink of an eye*

_-End Alice's flashback-_

Everyone: ...

Rosalie: Wow.

Jasper: That was...your flashback?

Alice: Yep!^^

Edward: And how did _that_ help anything?

Alice: *opens mouth, then closes it* ...Hmm...I don't know...

Edward: *groans*

Alice: Oh no, wait! I remember! Because everytime he came up he had that camera in his hands. And I remember reading about that camera, and how close it can zoom in. I didn't think anything of Jacob being around with it though...until now.

Edward: So that's how he stayed far enough away so I wouldn't catch his thoughts. He just zoomed in. *glowers at nothing* We have to get that picture

_Emmett: No, what we need to do first is REVENGE-Ugh! What's that_ _god awful_ _stench?_

_Ghost: (_Excuse_ me?)_

_Emmett: Huh? oh NOOO!_

Rosalie: What's wrong now?

_Emmett It's that..._creature

_Ghost: (*pats Bella's leg with his paw, then gestures toward Emmett* My human, is this a new decoration? Because it looks like crap.)_

_Emmett: (You take that back)_

_Ghost: (*still meowing to Bella* If you would so gladly put the window back please, I would greatly appreciate it. The view it gives is so much better than _that _embarrassing display.)_

_Emmett: (View? This window only shows you a tree. A crooked tree, at that.)_

_Ghost: (You think you're hideous vampire butt is better? )_

_Emmett: (Yep! And you can kiss it!)_

_Ghost: *hisses and jumps at him*_

_Emmett: Aaahh! There's a Ghost on my leg! A demon! A flea-fest! A rat-eater! An Emmett-hater! _

Alice: He says 'Emmett-hater' like it surprises him...

_Emmett:*shakes his leg*_

_Ghost: Meeeowww meeeoowww meeeoowww_

Jasper: Jeez, what's going on?

Bella: *blinks out of her dazzle-daze* ... Emmett! What are you doing to my cat?!

Edward: Emmett! What are you doing to her cat?!

_Emmett: The CAT is assaulting ME...while I'm handicapped...CHEAP! _

_Ghost: *jumps on his other leg*_

_Emmett: Gah! Get. Off. Me!_

-Ghost lets go and flies across room-

Bella: Oh, my poor kitty!

_Emmett: Aw man, why can I feel the breeze now on the lower half of my body?_

_Ghost: (When you finally get free from your pathetic little prison, you can celebrate using your pants as confetti. Thank me.)_

_Emmett: (What?!)_

Bella: Emmett, if you're going to- OME! Your pants!

_Emmett: *squeals in embarrassment* Don't look at me, pervert!_

_Ghost: (Who would want to look at you?)_

Bella: *closes eyes and sobs: Ew, why did you lose your pants?*

_Ghost: (You see what I mean?)_

Edward: Emmett, what are you doing in there?!

Rosalie: Emmett!...If you wanted out of your pants so bad why didn't you come see me?

_Emmett: *sobs* Why is everyone ganging up on me? It was the fuzzy white thing's fault_

_Ghost: (I am a cat, moron. I don't call you the icy fat thing.)_

_Emmett: I. Am. Not. FAT. *breaks out of window in a rage, charging for Ghost*_

Bella: o.o

-Ghost jumps out of Bella's arms at the last minute-

Bella: Eeeek! *gets tackled*

Edward: O_O

-they land on the bed-

Jasper: Wow, good thing the bed was there, Emmett

Edward: Wha-? Why would you even do that, Emmett? *could have had a heart attack*

Rosalie: *groans* Oh, you ruined the sexy image I had in my head with your pink-striped boxers, Emmett

Alice: You missed the cat, Emmett^^

Emmett: Would you all just leave me alone for, like, TWO SECONDS!

-Charlie barges into the room-

Charlie: Bella, what's all the noise-... *sees Emmett pinning Bella down on the bed, pant-less*

Everyone: ...

Ghost: *flips tail at Emmett* (My job here is done. Have fun getting out of _this_, pinky.) *purrs against Charlie's legs, and slips out of the room*

-awkward silence-

Emmett: Uh...hey, Chief

-bed breaks under Emmett's weight-

Bella: Ooph

Emmett: Oops

Bella: My bed :(

Charlie: ... *is turning a reddish-purple*

Bella: o.o *pushes Emmett off her*

Emmett: *scrambles to his feet* Hehe, this can all be explained, Charlie ^-^'

Charlie: ... *leaves room*

Bella: ???

Emmett: ...He took that better than I expected

Jasper: Well, that's no fun at all :(

Edward: I hope he gets his gun -_-

Emmett and Bella: O-o

-Charlie appears back at the door-

Everyone: ...

Bella: Dad...?

Emmett: *starts backing away as Charlie steps closer* Hey, Chief Swan, you know this is all just a big-

Charlie: *pulls out a bat*

Emmett: -misunder-What's that for? o.o

-Jasper and Edward smirk at each other-

Bella: Dad, this isn't necessary...

Charlie: *moves in on Emmett*

Emmett: Ditto! I'm with her! I mean, I agree with her, I'm not _with_ her. I mean, I'm here in the same room, but I'm not_ with her_ with her-

Charlie: *gets angrier*

Emmett: -no I'm anything but with her right now-

Charlie: GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!

Emmett: *screams and launches himself at Bella as Charlie raises the bat and comes for him*

Bella: Eeek! Emmett, what are you doing?!

Emmett: *uses Bella as a shield* Don't hit me! Don't hit me! I'm VERY breakable! Aaaahhh!! *pushes Bella into Charlie, then flees out the door, down the stairs, and out of the house*

-A lady screams from outside-

_Lady: A streaker!!!_

_Emmett: Give me your pants!!!!_

_Lady: Eeeeekkkk! *her voice fades as she runs away*_

_Emmett: Then don't complain *sobs*_

Bella: o-o

Charlie: *is fuming silently*

Bella: Uh...gotta go, guys

**Bella logged off**

The Cullen kids: ... *burst out laughing and cannot stop for a good two hours*

* * *

**Oh man, Emmett, you just throw yourself into trouble. **


	30. That Was Scary

The Cullen kids: ... *burst out laughing and cannot stop for a good two hours*

_-Two hours later-_

**Emmett logged on**

Emmett: This sucks! I think the world is conspiring against me

Edward: Welcome to my world

Emmett: What?! So it's your world that's conspiring against me?! I disown you as a brother. Get out of here!

Edward: -_- Idiot... But fine. I'll go see Bella. Make sure she isn't traumatized by you

Emmett: Hmph

**Edward logged off**

Emmett: It's that cat you have to watch out for...

Alice: I still don't see what you have against Bella's cat

Emmett: If you could understand what he's saying you would hate that thing, too! You know what? I'm gonna teach you how to speak cat

Alice: OK!^^

Emmett: Repeat after me-

Alice: After me^^

Emmett: No, Alice! Repeat...Meeow mewmow meow meeeowow

Alice: Meeow mewmow meow meeeowow! Did I say it right?^^

Emmett: *sniggers* Yep

Alice: Really? What did I say?^^

Emmett: "I wore this two days in a row - my fashion vibes make babies cry."

Alice: WHAT?! I'm never speaking to you again! T~T

Emmett: Ahaha!

Rosalie: ...OK! I've had enough of this nonsense. We need to get back to business

Jasper: Rose is right. We know who the prank callers are now

Emmett: Oh yeah! Lets find their phone numbers!

Jasper, Rosalie, Alice: No prank calling!

Emmett: What? Why not? They pranked us first

Rosalie: And look what happened the last two times you prank called people

Emmett: *looks back on memories*...I thought it went pretty well on both accounts

Rosalie: *rolls eyes*

Jasper: We need a better way to get them back. Something completely new. Something they won't ever expect. Something incredibly random. Something-

Alice: THAT'S IT!

Rosalie: Have an idea, Alice?

Alice: Yes, it's perfect! We'll-

**Edward logged on**

**Bella logged on**

Edward: Thanks a lot, Emmett!

Bella: Yeah, Emmett *glowers*

Emmett: What did I do?

Bella: Charlie's mad at me because you're Edward's brother!

Alice: :O So he thinks you're cheating on Edward?!

Bella: Yes...but that's not why he's mad

Everyone: ???

Edward: *is angrily sulking*

Bella: He's mad because I'm just cheating on him with another Cullen

Alice: What? That doesn't make any sense! I know he's not really getting along with Edward at the moment, but what would make cheating on Edward right?

Bella: If I was cheating on him with Jacob

Alice: ...er...I see...maybe we should have left my question as rhetorical

Edward: It's not fair T~T

Emmett: *snorts* Tough luck, bro

Edward: *hisses* This is all your fault, Emmett. Charlie kicked me out of the house because of you. And he was surprised I was wearing pants, I might add. He has totally downgraded my reptuation

Emmett: *grumbles*-pants are overrated anyway

Bella: Because of you, Emmett, he won't let any male Cullen inside the house

Rosalie: Not even Carlisle?

Bella: Not even Carlisle!

-Carlisle walks through her bedroom door-

Carlisle: Hello, Bella. I'm here to help Charlie fix your window

Bella: OK, except Carlisle!

Carlisle: *inspects window* It is quite damaged, isn't it?

Emmett: *says loudly* I really am sorry about the window thing!!!

Carlisle: *sighs* Yes, I know

Edward: Carlisle, you can help convince Bella's dad to let me back in the house, right?

Carlisle: Well, from what you've told me, it really is just a big misunderstanding... But I don't think now is the best time. Charlie's been spouting hate about you boys all day, even wondering about Jasper

Jasper: Me? *large, puppy dog eyes*

Carlisle: Yes, you

Jasper: *glares at his brothers* You guys gave me a bad name!

Edward: It was Emmett!

Emmett: After all I went through you're still gonna-

-Charlie walks in-

Emmett: -blame me?!

Charlie: *looks at computer*

Emmett: eep! :x

Charlie: .... *gets up really close to computer, narrows eyes and glares into web cam*

Emmett: o-o *shrinks into his chair*

-Charlie clicks something-

**Bella logged off**

Emmett: ...that was scary o-o

Edward: It's too bad you can't have nightmares, or I'd be happy about it -_-

Alice: Aw, look what you did, Emmett. Charlie logged Bella off

Emmett: For the last time it's not my fault! It was the Ghost cat. Jeez! Everything is so hard on me all the time

Edward: You? What about me? I have to deal with the conseqences of your foolish actions

Jasper: Forget you two. I'm the one who has it the hardest around here, _feeling_ everything

Emmett: Ew. That's sick!

Jasper: ...not what I meant...

Rosalie: Look, I'm the one who has to put up with all of you idiots, so I clearly have the biggest hardship

Alice: Why is everyone so selfish today? What about _me_? I have a an over-sized older brother who always blames a cat for his idiocy-

Emmett: :O

Alice: -a mopey younger brother who has to deal with the consequences of over-sized brother's idiocy-

Emmett: Wha? That still makes _me_ look bad

Alice: -a pervert husband that _feels_ everything-

Jasper: That is NOT what I meant!

Alice: -and an older sister who thinks she has problems because she willingly married an idiot!

Rosalie: I beg your pardon

Emmett: That_ still_ makes _me_ look bad!

Alice: Hello? _I_ have the problems here

Emmett: And I'm not over-sized *scowls*

Alice: You're right...

Emmett: Thank you

Alice: You're ogre-sized

Emmett: Wha?!

Edward: You know what? What about Bella, huh? Why don't you try walking in her shoes for a while?

Rosalie: Well, I would...but she has two left feet

-silence-

Everyone else: good point

Alice: All right, an-y-way, want to hear my brilliant scheme now?

Edward: *reads mind* That's brilliant, Alice! We'll kill two stones with one bird!

Alice: Edward! Yes to the first, but no, no, no to the second!

Edward: Yeah, I'm sorry, that came out wrong. I got excited *hangs head*

Emmett: Wait...you can kill a stone? WAIT, a bird? You know Rose hates birds... Can't it be the other way around? Kill two birds with one stone?

Everyone else: ...

Jasper: Wow, Emmett

Emmett: What did I say? o-O

Edward: *sighs* Alice...

Alice: I'm on it, Edward! Phase 1 of Mission Get-Em-Back in operation!

**Alice logged off**

Emmett: Ooo, I like the name

Rosalie: What? What's the revenge, Edward?

Edward: Lets just say that tomorrow at school our old nemesis, the sticky of doom, is getting new victims. Permanent ones.

-Emmett and Jasper smirk at each other-

Rosalie: And that's just Phase 1?

Edward: Yep

Rosalie: Hmm, I'm liking this

Emmett: What about the other phases?

Edward: Emmett, I need you to search out those people who invaded our chat that one time, remember?

Emmett: Hmm, let me think. You know, I might have that vampire mega memory thing, too, bro, but I'm not sure...

Rosalie: *-* That was such beautiful sarcasm, Em. I knew I'd rub off on you someday

Emmett: Does that mean a little bit of me has rubbed off on you? *smiles brightly*

Rosalie: -_- hell no

Emmett: *frowns*

Edward: Find them, Emmett, because tomorrow they're signing on to Mike's chatroom. Thanks to us, of course

Emmett: Don't worry, I'll find them!

**Emmett logged off**

Edward: Jazz, get the video camera...

Jasper: On it :]

**Jasper logged off**

Rosalie: And me?

Edward: I need your help with Lauren...and the picture...

Rosalie: *shrugs* Can't have people going around thinking my brother's in a nasty business, now can I?

**Rosalie logged off**

Edward: ... T-T Stupid picture

**Edward logged off**

* * *

Uh oh, the Cullen kids are on the move!


	31. Jacob and I Are Best Friends!

**Emmett logged on**

**Jasper logged on**

**Alice logged on**

**Bella logged on**

Bella: Alice, Emmett, Jasper! What the heck was all that about after school today?!

Jasper: It's simple, Bella. What happened in school, mainly to your human friends, was all part of Operation Get-Em-Back

Bella: Operation Get-Em-Back?...Oh!...Your revenge?

Emmett: Obviously. And we are Cullens, so are therefore amazingly brilliant

Alice: Yeah, yeah, we've known that for decades. What we need to do now is start the second phase

Bella: Second phase? O_o Don't you think one was enough?

Alice: Please tell me you're kidding, Bella. All we did was clone the sticky of doom and stick one on each of them - that's nothing. And they really didn't act all that crazy...yet.

Bella: Tell me _you're_ kidding. Tyler started flapping his arms on top of his car in the parking lot, singing "I Believe I Can Fly"!

-Emmett and Jasper snigger-

Bella: But at least I know what you did now to make him that way...

Alice: And I'm pretty positive it's going to get even better! *beams*

Bella: But you don't want to go overboard, do you?

Emmett: Listen, they pranked us four times! That means four phases of revenge. Got it?

Bella: Still-

Jasper: Bella, Bella, trust us on this. We have everything under control

**Edward logged on**

**Rosalie logged on**

Rosalie: We just lost control over everything!

Jasper: WHAT?!

Emmett and Alice: What happened?

Edward: Rose thought it would be a piece of cake getting that picture before Jacob could give it to Lauren

Rosalie: *glares* So did you!

Edward: Yes, but I was thinking more of piece of double chocolate fudge cake, while you were thinking cheese cake. Double chocolate fudge cake is much harder to slice than cheese cake.

Rosalie: Whatever, Edward. The point is we messed up

Edward: You messed up

Rosalie: I will not be blamed for this!

Alice: Calm down you two, and tell us what happened. *grumbles*-though I really should have seen this coming

_-Edward's flashback-_

Rosalie: Forget it, Edward. I'm not doing it *scowls*

Edward: You promised you'd help me get that picture

Rosalie: You're right, I did, because you're my brother. But this is crossing the line!

Edward: How?!

Rosalie: *points at the building Jacob's in...on the other side of treaty line* We are seriously crossing the line

Edward: ...oh

Rosalie: What is the mutt doing in that store anyway?

Edward: Billy forced him to get some part-time job because they can't afford anymore pairs of shoes for him. I can hear his thoughts...he's been hired at one of the carts to sell some product. Lauren's supposed to meet him here in ten minutes, and he's giving her that damn picture *narrows eyes*

Rosalie: ...All right, hey, sure, why not? It's only a couple hundred feet from the treaty line. And I'll be the first Cullen into La Push, what an honor. *rolls eyes* But just so we're clear on this, if he comes after me I'm not going easy on him......

Edward: Rose, you're enjoying that thought too much

Rosalie: Like you aren't

Edward: *smirks*

Rosalie: Let's get this over with

-Rosalie runs to store, enters building, and immediately Jacob spots her-

Jacob: *hisses quietly*-_Blondie?! What are you doing here? What are you doing on OUR LAND?_

Rosalie: Nothing... *browses casually at the beverages on the cart*

Jacob: _What the hell do you mean noth-_

Woman: Is there a problem here? *is wearing a 'Manager' tag*

Rosalie: *smiles sweetly* Of course not. Jacob and I are best friends!^^ _{{thinks: I'm going to force food down my throat just so I can throw up at such a sickening sentence}}_

_Edward: *chuckles to himself back at his spot*_

Jacob: We're what?! O_O

Woman: Oh, is that so? ^-^

Jacob: No...no, that is not so! I've never seen her before in my life, I swear! Call security!

Rosalie: Oh, Jake, stop barking out jokes

Woman: Jacob, what are you waiting for? Sell to your lovely friend. I have other things to get done- *walks past him and whispers sharply*-_but I will be watching you! So things better get sold!_

Jacob: *grimaces*

Rosalie: *smirks* So, what are you selling? Dog food?

Jacob: *glares* I'm only going to ask this one more time. What are you doing here?

Rosalie: Why, I - *looks down at what he's selling* - want some juice of course... For Bella. She asked me. You know, to come get some for her

Jacob: Bella?! =^.^=

Rosalie: Yes, Bella...

Jacob: Really? Bella? =^.^=

Rosalie: ... Ugh -_-

-People wander up to cart-

Rosalie: You have customers, _dog _*steps to the side*

Jacob: Huh? o-o Oh... *feels his manager's eyes stabbing in the back* Right...

-Jacob bounds forward with a giant grin-

Jacob: Hello! Welcome to Squeezed Melons,-

Rosalie: _I beg your pardon_

Jacob: -the finest juices in town! All drinks are fresh and natural with wonderful prices. Would you like some?

Old lady: No thank-you, sweetie, we were just looking *leaves*

Teen Boy *to friend*: Stuff smells funky

Rosalie: _Nope, that would be the guy trying to sell it to you_

-boys leave-

Jacob: *grinds teeth, but goes to next customer* How about you ladies?

-Group of girls giggle and walk away-

Rosalie: _*smiles and leans back to watch the show*_

-Ten minutes go by with no buying customers-

Jacob: *is very, very, very frustrated*

Rosalie: *is very, very, very much enjoying herself*

-A customer pauses in front of Jacob-

Jacob: All natural mango juice, on sale for 69 cents off regular pri- (customer walks away, uninterested) Where do you think you're going?

-Customer runs when he sees Jake following him-

Rosalie: *chuckles* You poor little idiot wolf-boy who deserves it...

Jacob: *growls at her* What are you still doing here? Are you going to buy some for Bella or not?

Rosalie: I would but...that would just be helping you, and I find your failure much too entertaining to ruin it

Jacob: Thanks. So. Much. Parasite.

-Lauren walks into building-

Rosalie: _{{finally}}_

Lauren: Ah, Jacob. Where's my...- *sees Rosalie* - picture...?

Rosalie: Lauren Mallory, right?

Lauren: Rosalie Hale... _{{What the hell is she doing here? *whimpers*}}_

Rosalie: *looks between Jacob and Lauren* You two make an awfully...monstrous couple

Jacob: Can you shut up? Or does lack of brains make it impossible to know how to control your own mouth?

Lauren: She wishes she had that excuse

Jacob: *glowers at Lauren* You know I find you stupid and I don't like you either

_Edward: This is a perfect trio of people -_- Maybe I should have picked Alice..._

Lauren: Hmph, you don't have to. Just give me the damn picture of Ed...- *remembers Rosalie*-...win _{{Edwin. Yeah. She'll never know.}}_

Rosalie: ...Who's Edwin?

Lauren: Nobody you know. Nobody at all.

-Jacob pulls out an envelope and hands it to Lauren, eyeing Rosalie suspiciously now-

Jacob: Hey...I know what you're up to, Blondie

_Edward: Uh oh, Rose o-o_

Rosalie: Excuse me? A Hale is never up to anything. How dare you accuse _me_, daughter of a highly respected doctor, Dr. Carlisle Cullen, of being a lowlife sneak when all I came here for was a carton of naturally made juice for my beloved to-be sister, Bella. How incredibly rude. Is this how you treat all you're customers? No wonder you have to stalk them down an aisle just to get them to listen to you. *huffs* You disgrace me, Black, Mallory!

Lauren: Me? I didn't say anything, that was all him!

Rosalie: *snatches envelope* HA!

Lauren: :O

Rosalie: If you think you can take a picture of my brother and get away with it, then think again

Lauren: It's not that Edward! I mean, it's an Edwin anyway

Rosalie: Do you play me for a fool?

Jacob: *smirks* I do

_Edward: Damn it..._

Rosalie: *narrows eyes* What?

Jacob: *pulls out another envelope* This is the real one with Edward's precious picture *shoves it in Lauren's purse*

Rosalie: ... *rips open her envelope; finds it empty* ...Filthy mutt

Jacob: I'll take that as a compliment this time

-Lauren sneaks away quickly while they seem distracted-

Rosalie: I won't forget this, mongrel

Jacob: Yes you will, leech. Because that's the only way I'll forget you broke the treaty *smirks evilly*

Rosalie: *glowers, snatches the cup of sample juice out of Jacob's hand, and turns on her heel, elegantly stomping out of the building*

_Edward: ..._

-Lauren swings open her car door, just as Rosalie's hand slams it shut again-

Lauren: *jumps* OH!

Rosalie: So tell me, would you like to give me the picture the easy way or not?

Lauren: This is none of your business, Hale. Just-

Rosalie: So be it *splashes the juice in Lauren's face*

Lauren: Aahh!

Rosalie: *steals envelope*

Lauren: What was that for?! *wipes juice out of her eyes, then assesses herself* O-O

-silence-

Rosalie: I think stained grape juice on your shirt compliments your frizzy hair

Lauren: *throws arms up* This means war!

Rosalie: I thought that meant touch down? =/

Lauren: Aarrrgghh!!

Rosalie: *flees*

Edward: Well...that's Rose for you, I suppose

Rosalie:*flies by Edward* Picture acquired!

_-End Flashback-_

Emmett: Hahaha!

Bella: Poor Jake

Emmett: Babe, he totally got you. Hahaha

Rosalie: Just because I love you doesn't mean I won't backhand you and throw you through a wall, or better yet, bury you alive

Emmett: *shuts up*

Edward: Stay focused here! I got a good look at Lauren's mind before we ran off...she's coming onto _our_ chat as soon as she gets home, and she's inviting the others, too, trying to ambush us

Emmett: No! I sent invites to those crazy people to join Mike's chat already

Jasper: And I've already set up the camera so it was filming their chat. Now Mike and them are going to log on to ours?

Alice: Don't panic. This is an easy fix. Go resend the invites, only invite them here this time. And go get the camera. We're vampires, we're quick, we can do this in time

Bella: Hmm, I was wondering...how do we watch them in the chat without them knowing we're on?

Rosalie: Good point... I don't want to have to be stuck with freaks like Pablo again, or with the humans from school who are now high off posties

Emmett: *snorts*

Edward: *frowns* I don't know how we're going to do that

Alice: No, there has to be a way. Our revenge is at stake here!

****

Esme logged on

Carlisle logged on

Edward: *gasps* That's it! Esme! Carlisle! You know!

Carlisle and Esme: O.o We do?

* * *

**They do! (Don't worry, that's not much of a spoiler.) ;]**

**This chapter came out so much longer than I intended it to be, so feedback will be loved!**


	32. Even Bella Got Lucky

**_Esme logged on_**

**_Carlisle logged on_**

_Edward: *gasps* Esme! Carlisle! You know!_

_Carlisle and Esme: O.o We do?_

* * *

Everyone else: They do?

Edward: Yes. Remember? They confused us, and freaked Emmett out, when they just appeared in our chat out of nowhere

Emmett: Oh yeah! ...Hey, you were freaked out, too!

Edward: No I wasn't, that's ridiculous *is in denial*

Emmett: *glares*

Rosalie: I don't remember anything. What did they do?

Emmett: They were...invisible or something. Caught Edward trying to elope!

Edward: *glares at Emmett*

Emmett: :]

Carlisle: Ah, I see. You want to _disappear_, so that you can be in a chat and have nobody know

Emmett and Edward: Yeah!

Esme: Well, since you're our children we'll teach it to you-

Alice: *high fives Emmett* We are the luckiest kids in the world!

Esme: -but on one condition

Everyone: o.o What?

Carlisle: If you want us to teach you our secret, you have to do something. Don't worry, though, it's fair, just, and clever... *sees the scowls on Alice's and Edward's faces* ...Or maybe just fairly clever

Edward: You don't even have anything planned! You're just making this up

Esme: Don't be pouty, Edward. We want our fun

Edward: :[

Bella: Ok, so what do we have to do?

Carlisle: It's simple. All you have to do is answer some questions correctly, and then we'll tell you the secret

Esme: yes, good idea

Emmett: That's it? Psh. I thought you two would be more creative than that

Esme: Hush, boy

Emmett: Hushing :x

Esme: You each have to answer a question, and if you mess up on your answer...TOO BAD, no second chances, and now secret. Are we clear?

Jasper: *throws hand in air* No, we're opaque!

Everyone: ...

Jasper: ...did I get it right?

Esme: That wasn't the first question, Jasper

Jasper: Oh :(

Emmett: *sniggers*

Carlisle: No cheating either *eyes Alice and Edward*

Edward: *grumbles*-but I can't even help that

Esme: Now, first question!

Bella: Wait, who's answering?

Alice: Jasper is!

Jasper: O.o

Emmett: You better get it right

Alice: Don't worry, he's got this in the bag! Just watch his brilliant mind work

Carlisle: Ok, Jasper

Jasper: *has determined look on face*

Carlisle: ...Tell us something about the great scientists of the 19th century

Jasper: They're all dead

Carlisle: No, no, Jasper-

Jasper: All right, they're all living

Carlisle: No, no, no

Jasper: Well, now we're getting into Philosophy

Carlisle: Jasper.

Jasper: What?

Carlisle: You are not answering the question

Jasper: Oh yeah, ever think you're just questioning the answer?

Carlisle: ...

Jasper: Got you there!

Alice: *giggles to Bella*-isn't he cool? :3

Bella: *raises eyebrow at her*

Carlisle: *sighs* Forget the question. You win.

Jasper: *smirks and nods victoriously*

Esme: That one was no fun anyway, dear. I'll pick the next one. Hmm... Correctly recite a famous nursery rhyme

Rosalie: My human mother always told me the one of Little Miss Muffet

Emmett: Oh, I know that one!

Rosalie: No! I'm answering, Em-

Emmett: Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet...

-silence-

Emmett: ...and boy what a big tuffet she had

Cullen kids: *smacks their foreheads*

Emmett: If you're feeling insecure, just sit next to her...um...and then you won't feel quite so bad! ^.^

Rosalie: *is fuming*

Emmett: Am I right? Am I right? ^.^

Carlisle: Er, no, Emmett, that's wrong

Emmett: What?

Carlisle: It goes: Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, eating her curds and whey; along came a spider, who sat down beside her, and frightened Miss Muffet away

Emmett: That's stupid! Spiders wouldn't go anywhere near a girl with curds and whey; what is that little girl eating anyway? A bowl of cottage cheese? That's sick, Carlisle! Mine was so much more realistic :[

Esme: ...We'll give it to you for creativity

Emmett: YES!

Rosalie: *throws shoe at Emmett* Don't ever do that again!

Emmmett: ow. but they gave it to me :(

Rosalie: ugh. I'm answering the next one. And I'll answer right, without _luck_, unlike Em and Jazz

-Jasper and Emmett look at each other incredulously-

Carlisle: All right, Rose, what is the official month of the rose?

Rosalie: Valentine's day

Carlisle: I said month

Rosalie: Spring

Carlisle: I said _month_

Rosalie: Red

Carlisle: Rosalie!

Rosalie: It's called stalling, Carlisle! But fine. Um... _{{Damn it... Um... Ah ha! Edward, pick a number between 1 and 12}}_

Edward: SIX!

-Everyone looks at him, except Rosalie-

Alice: That was random, Edward

Emmett: Freak

Carlisle and Esme: *stares suspiciously*

Edward: *pretends to examine fingers* If we cut our nails...will they grow back?

Everyone: ...

Rosalie: Hello? I have my answer, Carlisle!

Carlisle: And?

Rosalie: The month is June

Carlisle: Yes, that's right. Very good

Rosalie: Ha. Told you I'd get it right with smarts and not luck

Edward: Huh, what do you know, six, the month of my birthday, is also the month of the rose. Who would've known?

Rosalie: o.o _{{you mean to tell me that you could read their minds and yet you randomly picked your birthday month? I can't trust anybody these days...}}_

Jasper: *realizes what happened* Well, well, looks like someone got_ lucky_

Rosalie: *glares at him*

Alice: Moving on! It's Bella's turn

Bella: *gulps* It is?

Esme: Ok. Your question, Bella, is: Why are birthdays important?

Bella: They're not!

Esme: But, Bella, honey, statistics show the more you have, the longer you live

Bella: That's common sense, Es- You answered my question!

Esme: Oh...oops

Bella: Yay, success!

Jasper: Wow, even Bella got lucky

Emmett: Bella got luck- *gasps* What in holy hell is happening around here? It's the end of the world! *dives to the ground*

Bella: It is not! And I don't see how curling up into a ball on the floor will save you anyway

Emmett: *doesn't move* I figure it's a good position to die in.

Alice: It's my turn, it's my turn, it's my turn!

Carlisle: Ok, but because of your visions, Alice-

Alice: You think I would cheat?

Carlisle: Yes, like you always do

Alice: ...fair enough. So what's my question?^^

Carlisle: What is Esme getting me for our anniversary?

Esme: CARLISLE!

Carlisle: Kidding!

Edward: *mutters*-no you weren't

Carlisle: *gives him a look*

Alice: I know the answer though

Esme: Alice, don't you dare

Alice: Tell me I pass my question and I won't^^

Esme: Alice Cullen!

Alice: Fine. Give me a new question

Carlisle: That's probably best. Ok, so how long did the world's longest kiss last?

Alice: *looks into future*...you haven't decided to tell me the answer...I have to search for it then...*brow furrows* but you stop me everytime I try to..._{{I'll ask Edward! Edward, what's the answer? Just decide to tell me}}_

Edward: ...

Alice: *smiles brightly* The answer is 417 hours!

Carlisle: Yes!

Bella: Wow, that's like...two and half weeks of lip-locking!

Emmett: O.O Rose and I could beat that. We could make the Guiness Book of World Records. Lets do it, babe!

Rosalie: No

Emmett: But I wanna try!

Rosalie: Em, we'd never beat that

Emmett: What? We could kiss forever!

Rosalie: No we couldn't

Emmett: *opens mouth to protest*

Rosalie: Why? Because you always feel it's necessary to open your mouth and speak every ten minutes, _at least_

Emmett: *scowls* That's true...

Jasper and Edward: *burst out laughing*

Emmett: but I have so much to say :(

Alice: None, of that matters! I win! _{{Thanks to Edward}}_

Edward: Huh, what do you know, 417, the exact number of hours I was sick with the influenza before Carlisle changed me, is also the answer to that question. Who would've known?

Alice: ... *turns slowly to glare at her brother*

Rosalie: *groans* _{{Edward, you idiot. You lucky idiot, but sill - idiot!}}_

Edward: _{{...Yeah, I wish she didn't have a point *frowns*}}_

Esme: Last question, kids. And, Edward, this is a True or False question

Emmett: Sweet! We're sure to win the secret now. As long as Ed-boy doesn't blow it

Alice and Bella: And that's unlikely to happen :)

Esme: Edward, True or False: Winnie the Pooh and I say the same thing when troubled.

Edward: Ah! ...uh...huh?

Bella: You guys watch Winnie the Pooh? I loved that show as a kid

Jasper: We didn't watch it, per se

Alice: We just know about it

Edward: Winnie the Pooh...huh...er...

_-five minutes pass-_

Edward: Hmm...uh...er...

Cullen kids (minus Bella): {{Jeez, just guess!}}

Edward: It's TRUE!

_-Esme and Carlisle glance at each other-_

Esme: Oh dear...

Bella: Oh dear? *gasps* Esme says 'oh dear'...Pooh says 'oh bother'!

Edward: o-o

Esme: You lose, Edward...

Cullen kids: :O Edward got it wrong?

Rosalie: Damn it, Edward! You had a 50 percent chance!

Emmett: How the hell did you mess this up?

Alice:_ {{Your dumb luck helped Rose, helped me, yet you couldn't do that for yourself?}}_

Bella: And you say_ I_ have the bad luck!

Jasper: Edward...how. could. you. RUIN EVERYTHING LIKE THAT, YOU INDECENT, MORONIC, IDIOT, I HOPE YOU GET HIT BY A RUNAWAY OIL TRUCK BY A FOREST FIRE AND POOF INTO FLAMES! That's right: POOF! FLAMES!

Everyone: O-O

Esme: My goodness, Jasper

Jasper: *clears throat* Sorry...everyone was on their own crazy rampage that I kind of exploded... *fiddles with fingers* I didn't mean it...much

Edward: ...But...that's not fair

Carlisle: You had your turn, Edward, and you got it wrong

Edward: But- But- Give me another chance!

Carlisle: Sorry, son, you know the rules

Edward: But... P-please. Don't you love me? Q~Q

Esme: :O

Carlisle: Uh oh

Edward: Q~Q

Esme: Oh my...Carlisle...

Carlisle: Esme, no...

Eward: Q~Q

Esme: Carlisle...

Carlisle: Esme, you know the rules!

Edward: Q~Q

Esme: Oh...Hang the rules! *runs and embraces Edward* The level of adorable cuteness and sorrow is far beyond anything I can comprehend.

Edward: Q~Q We just - *sniffles* - wanted to disappear...

Esme: My poor little Edward... OH, Carlisle! We have to tell them how to do it Q~Q

Carlisle: ...All right -_-

Esme: You are the best, darling! Come, Edward. The only way to get it is if you download it from a computer that already has it. I'll use mine to give it to you!

Edward: -^.^-

**Edward logged off**

**Esme logged off**

**Carlisle logged off**

-silence-

Emmett: Yep, I always knew Edward was a cheat

Alice: Oh, who cares? Now we'll get what we need :)

* * *

**I honestly don't know why I wrote this chapter. Carlisle and Esme were originally supposed to just give them what they wanted... Oh well, I guess they deserve to have their fun :]**

**Prepare for the humans next chapter. _The humans?_ Yes, the humans :O**

**Thank you so much for all the reviews! They are like cupcakes, only not.**


	33. Are You On Medication?

Alice: Ok, remember we still have things to do! Jazz, go get the camera and set it up on this chat. Emmett, go resend the invites to the crazy people, only invite them here this time

Emmett: For someone so small, you're awfully bossy

Alice: GO!

Emmett: going

**Jasper logged off**

**Emmett logged off**

Bella: What do we do?

Alice: We have to go get that disappearing thing from Edward, Esme just gave it to him. And we have to hurry!!!

**Alice logged off**

**Rosalie logged off**

**Bella logged off**

--10.995 seconds later--

**Rosalie logged on**

_**Rosalie disappeared**_

_Rosalie: Now I wait_

**Emmett logged on**

Emmett: I sent the emails-...where'd everybody go?

_Rosalie: Ha! It works _

Emmett: That's weird...

Rosalie: *just appears* Hi

Emmett: Gah! ... You all disappeared without me? Who else is here that I can't see?

Rosalie: Everyone but Jasper, Bella, Alice, and Edward

Emmett: ...So, just you then?

Rosalie: That's what I said! *angry face*

Emmett: OK, OK, so are you going to give me the download thing now? ^.^

Rosalie: Nope

_**Rosalie disappeared**_

Emmett: Wha? Babe!

**Edward logged on**

**Alice logged on**

Emmett: Guys, Rose disappeared!

Alice: I know. I saw it.

Emmett: But she won't give me the download-

Alice: I know. I saw it.

Emmett: That means one of you have to-

Alice: I know. I s-

Emmett: I KNOW YOU SAW IT!!!

Edward: *laughs* Sorry, Em, we can only give it to one person. I transferred it to Bella, Bella to Rose, and Rose to Alice. Alice just gave it to Jasper, so you'll have to get it from him

**_Edward disappeared_**

**_Alice disappeared_**

Emmett: Heeeyyy!!! ...ugh!

**Emmett logged off**

_Alice: He gets frustrated so easily_

_Rosalie: You know what frustrates me?_

_Alice: When you go take a shower and you realize, as you're washing your hair, that whoever went shopping bought TWO _shampoos_ and forgot conditioner!_

_Rosalie: Oh my god, yes. That's so frustrating_

_Alice: Immensely frustrating_

_Edward: You two frustrate _me_ immensely _-_-

_Alice and Rosalie: Hush up, Edward!_

_Rosalie: Or we'll comment on your showering problems *cough*-the picture-*cough*_

_Edward: *scowls*_

**Emmett logged on**

-silence-

Emmett: *just sits there*

_Everyone: ..._

Emmett: *continues to sit there*

Rosalie: Emmett!

Emmett: Oh, hi, babe

Rosalie: What are you doing? You don't want to be stuck with the humans, do you?

Emmett: Of course not

Rosalie: Then hurry up and disappear!

_**Rosalie disappeared**_

_Rosalie: Jeez, he's slow_

_Edward: And that surprises you, why?_

_Rosalie: Oh yeah? Well, where's Bella?_

_Edward: O.o Oh my god, where is my Bella?!_

Emmett: I'm waiting for Jasper! How long does it take to get the camera set up? I'm the one who had the longest job, sending those e-mail invites to those crazy people...only now I feel like a crazy person because I'm talking to myself...

_Alice: *giggles at Emmett*_

_Edward: Where's Bella? *shakes Alice until she sees vision*_

**Jasper logged on**

Emmett: Finally!

Jasper: Finally what? Finally, you told Esme who the real culprit was behind our first and only suspension from school, back in 1994?

Emmett: o.o That wasn't my fault

Jasper: How was it not your fault? You're the one who stole the class rabbit

Emmett: I was THIRSTY! Now, lets just transfer the disappear thing to my computer and get out of here before-

**Mike logged on**

**Tyler logged on**

**Jessica logged on**

**Eric logged on**

**Lauren logged on**

Emmett: OMG, Jasper, look! Humans! Quick, stash the elk

_Edward: 'Stash the elk' is code name for 'roll the camera'_

_Alice and Rosalie: ...who are you talking to? We already knew that _

_Edward: *shrugs* you never know who needs to know_

Jasper: *stashes elk* ...

Humans: ???

Lauren: So it's the big one and the pain-faced one, huh? Where are the other Cullens?

Jasper: Pain-faced?

Emmett: Aww, that's not very nice... You'd look like that, too, if you were dating a hyper-midget-gypsy

_Alice: What did he say?!_

Mike: Oh, he's gotta point

Eric: No, he doesn't. I wouldn't look like that if I were dating one of those

Tyler: That's because you'd just be glad you were dating anything

Eric: That's too true T-T

Mike: Know what else is true? *sings*- I smell like condiments!

Lauren: What?...

**Bella logged on**

Mike: Mustard. Ketchup. Relish and cheese!

Bella: o-o

Emmett: Hey, Bella, how nice of you to join us

_Edward: My Bella! ^-^_

Mike: Bella! =^.^=

_Edward: o.o How dare he be happy! *glares at Mike*_

Bella: What did I miss?

Emmett: Nothing much. Just that I'm big, Jasper's girlfriend is a pain to even him, Eric has pitiful dating issues, and Mike smells like things humans put on food

Lauren: Humans? Why did you say humans like you aren't one?

Emmett: Because I am more than human. I am a god!

Jasper: -__- and I'm Einstein

Eric: WOW! Can I have your autograph Mr. Jasper Einstein

Jasper: No

Eric: o~o

Lauren: Have you all lost it?

_Alice: We never did put a sticky note on Lauren. She's the only normal one_

_Rosalie: Better entertainment for us when one of them is left in the dark *smirks evilly*_

Lauren: At least I still have you, Jess. The boys can't be trusted-

Jessica: Boy, Lauren, that's an odd piece of something you got there

Lauren: *looks down and holds up paper* ...This is my homework...and it's blank

Jessica: Boy, Lauren, that's a whole lot of nothing you got there

Mike: Damn it, I smell like lemon now!

Lauren: Mike...

Mike: When life hands you lemons the smell isn't supposed to rub off on you, is it?

Lauren: Are you on medication?

Mike: *laughs crazily*

_Rosalie: Wth..._

_Edward and Alice: xD_

Lauren: There is something seriously wrong with all of you! *murmurs, freaked out*-Things could not get any more weirder today

**Pablo logged on**

_-The Cullens exchange amused glances with the ones they can see-_

Jessica: Who are _you_? I've never seen you before, and I've seen everybody, because that's just how popular I am

Pablo: I am Pablo Diego Jose Francisco de Paula Juan-

Emmett: Yeah, yeah, yeah, we know, Mr. long-middle-name Picasso, jr.

Tyler: Really? What else do we know?

Emmett: That Alice doesn't like anything cheap

_Alice: That's not true - I like Bella _

_Edward: *glowers at his now laughing sisters*_

Jessica: Aren't you supposed to be painting that "Moaning Pizza", Mr. Picasso

Lauren: Don't you mean..."Mona Lisa"...Jessica?

Jessica: Sure^^

Pablo: That is DaVinchi!

Mike: What are you doing in this chat at all? Are you a Cullen? Did Dr. Cullen adopt you?

Emmett: No way! Not even Esme would let this man in our house *points menacingly at Pablo*

Pablo: Why am I here? I just wander from chat to chat, exploring the deep depths of the deep depths! Scavenging the world for art...the art of insanity!

Everyone: ...

Jasper: Is that so?

Pablo: No, not at all. I was invited here :) And Pablo is glad, 'cause there are pretty ladies *winks*

Lauren: *looks disgusted* Pretty?! I am much more than _pretty_!

Mike: Well lets ask the magic 8 ball. Eric!

Eric: Got it. *shakes ball* Is Lauren much more than pretty? ... It says "HAHA!"

Mike: Wonder what that means...

Lauren: What? Magic 8 balls do not say 'HAHA!'

Eric: This one does. Listen.

_-Magic 8 Ball starts laughing-_

Emmett: :O Jazz, it's magic!

Jasper: Magic? Em, it's easy to see that bright red button on the side of the Magic 8 Ball, right next to the little holes that are the speakers. And seeing as how the Magic 8 Ball sounds exactly like Eric, it's not hard to tell that he recorded the laughing himself.

Emmett: ...Screw you, it's magic

Pablo: Screw? *waggles eyebrows* Why don't we go out for a drink, ladies?

Jessica: *gasps* I drink Pepsi!

Lauren: But I drink Iced Tea

Mike: I drink Dr. Pepper

Tyler: I drink Cactus Cooler!

Eric: I drink Coca Cola!

Jasper: I DRINK O NEGATIVE!!!

Bella: O.O

Jasper: No offense, Bella

Bella: *glares*

Emmett: She looks offended

Bella: I am!

_**Bella disappeared**_

Emmett and Jasper: :O

_Edward: Hello, love_

_Alice: Welcome to the club, Bella_

_Bella: I was wondering where you three were..._

-silence-

Tyler: Woah...

Jessica: Bella just...vanished

Pablo: ...You people are too crazy even for Pablo

**Pablo logged off**

* * *

To be continued...


	34. My Favorite Color Is In Texas

_Tyler: Woah..._

_Jessica: Bella just...vanished_

_Pablo: ...You people are too crazy even for Pablo_

********

_**Pablo logged off**_

* * *

Tyler: I'm not crazy!

Eric: He's mentally unstable

Tyler: Exactly :)

Lauren: Er...that's the SAME THING

Tyler: Psh, no it isn't

Eric: Jeez, Lauren, get your facts straight

Lauren: Omg, there can't be anyone in the world more stupid than all of you right now!

************

Patricia logged on

Michelle logged on

Sasha logged on

_Alice: Hey, it's P, M, and S!_

_Rosalie: fitting..._

Lauren: Who the heck...?

Michelle: OMG! It's him, the gorgeous genius guy! *.*

Tyler: Ooohh, *smooths hair back* I see you've met me before *grins*

Sasha: *stares at him* Ew. Just ew.

Emmett: Sorry to burst your giant bubble, Tyler, but it's me they remember

Patricia: Of course it's you! *looks at him dreamily*

Michelle: Do you remember who we are? ^.^

Emmett: o.o Why? Did you forget?

Mike: How can they forget who they are when they are the person they are?

Tyler: Mike makes sense

Jessica: That's a first^^

_Bella: Wow. I actually agree with Jessica_

_Rosalie: And I actually agree with Bella on Jessica about Mike_

_Alice: Today is just full of firsts!_

_Bella: Like how this morning was the first time Ghost sat at the table to eat his breakfast with us._

_-Rosalie, Alice, and Edward all turn to stare at her-_

_Bella: ... What?_

_Edward: I thought Charlie didn't like Ghost in the kitchen when you were eating?_

_Bella: He didn't... But I think he got uncomfortable with Ghost glaring at him with his furr puffed up all through dinner, so Charlie let him join us instead_

_Cullens: *stifles their laughs*_

Sasha: Duh we, like, know who we are! Why would you even ask us that? Jeez, *murmurs to her friends while pointing her thumb at Emmett* he's dumber than advertised, isn't he?

-the three girls giggle-

Emmett: -_-

Jasper: Yeah, that's Emmett - the size of his head can be decieving; there's really nothing in there

Jessica: As hollow as it gets^^

Mike: The world's greatest racketball court

Emmett: What the? *glares at Mike and Jessica* You two don't even know me!

_Edward: And, yet, they got him dead on_

_Bella and Alice: Hahaha!_

_Rosalie: Emmett's not going to take this lightly_

Mike: Wanna bet? Eric, show him

Eric: *takes out Magic 8 ball*

Magic 8 Ball: HAHA!

Eric: It agrees :)

Emmett: Screw you!

Eric: *gasps in hurt* T~T

Patricia: Aww!

Michelle: That wasn't very nice, not at all

Jessica: Why would you say that to poor Eric?

Eric: This day is just getting worse and worse. First that new restuarant turned out to be a tease-

_.:Eric's memory:._

_-walking home from school-_

_Eric: Oh my god! *points* Is that a new restuarant called Happy Hannukah?_

_Mike: Dude, that's a window with holiday decorations_

_Eric: -looks really sad- oh._

-Edward starts laughing at the memory and the girls are giving him odd, curious looks-

Eric: and now this! D:

Sasha: *chastises Emmett* You totally hurt his feelings!

Mike: *has angry face and pulls out a cork gun* All must destroy Cullen! *starts incessantly popping his gun at Emmett*

Emmett: *stares at Mike and tries not to laugh*

Michelle: How could you be so mean to this poor, geeky dude that I don't know?

Emmett: Fine, fine, I take it back *looks at Eric* Un-screw you.

Jessica: But he's already unscrewed

Lauren: Valid point, Jess- *shakes head* What the hell am I talking about? I shouldn't be encouraging any of you. You're all crazy!

Sasha: And you're a joke

Jessica: She is, but she's not a very funny one

Lauren: JESSICA!

Eric: Hey, hey, hey, lets not fight

Mike: FOR THE RIGHT. TO PAAARRTAYY!

Emmett: And lets not sing either, especially if our name is 'Mike'

Tyler: Hey, but Lauren likes fighting - that's all we did at the Spring Dance last year

Lauren: *glares*

Emmett: Yeah, I guess find fighting fun, too

Patricia: It's all fun and games until...

Emmett: until someone gets a paper cut, right?

_Alice and Bella: o_o_

Jasper: *turns to Emmett with narrowed eyes*

Emmett: ... Ah, c'mon! Don't take it personally!

Jasper: *is glaring* Pray you are still in one piece tomorrow

**Jasper logged off**

Emmett: oh fine, you oversensitive-

**Jasper logged on**

Emmett: ...

Jasper: *is still glaring*

_**Jasper disappeared**_

Emmett: *thinks for a moment* ... Dammit!

_Jasper: No disappearing app. for him :]_

_Alice: Hehe, good one, Jazz_

_Edward: He really should have known better than to antagonize someone who he wants something from_

Emmett: Some family you all are!

Lauren: Who are you talking to?

Jessica: We aren't your family

Patricia: But we could be *smiles seductively* Well, I could be. We should get together, get married! We're so perfect together that I can picture it clearly. Our wedding would be on the beach during a sunset in front of millions of people with all eyes on me-

_Bella: actually, I think the sparkling groom would be the center of attention..._

Patricia: -and our honeymoon will be on some private island off the coast of South America-

_Alice: o.o Isle Esme?_

Patricia: -and we'll have eight kids; all girls!

Emmett: Oh dear lord

_Edward and Jasper: *start cracking up*_

Patricia: And we'll name them-

Emmett: Yeah... that sounds, er, awesome and everything...

Tyler: Awesome like a cheese sandwich grilled!

Emmett: You keep your nasty mortal food out of this

Mike: You aren't a god, you know

Sasha: But he looks like one. Mmmmm

Mike: Curses. Girls are always hungry for a Cullen.

Emmett: Can't say I blame them. I know I'm hungry for a Cullen, though it's more for a Hale...and she's female

Michelle: When I'm, like, hungry I eat a banana, but I can't eat more than one because bananas, like, annoy me.

Emmett: ...I...shouldn't...comment...

_The Cullens: *are smirking* Please don't_

Michelle: You know what? I'm gonna go eat one right now!

**Michelle logged off**

Patricia: Omg, that's a brilliant idea - she's so smart

**Patricia logged off**

Sasha: Man, I am totally annoyed that I'm thirsty right now instead of hungry like everybody else

Mike: Why not stick around with me for a while then *is trying to be flirty* Have some fruit punch?

Sasha: What brand? I like Minute Maid

Mike: Hi-C

Sasha: Eww, forget that!

**Sasha logged off**

Mike: What the? I could have offered something else! Why can't girls just be patient and stick with me and see how awesomely awesome I am instead of always running off the first chance they get-

Tyler: Heeyyy, this drama-queen-moment will take a short commercial break

Mike: Not if I change the channel!

Magic 8 Ball: HAHA!

Emmett: That thing really needs to burn...

Jessica: You know what I burn? Jelly.

_Bella: What? Who burns jelly?_

_Alice: Jessica^^_

Tyler: Jelly is cool and all, but it's all about the peanut in the butter

Lauren: Peanut butter?

Tyler: Hell no!

Lauren: uh...?

Tyler: But if I could get some butter with peanuts in it then I'd die happy

Eric: I'd die happy if my dream to be on broadway came true

Lauren: Eric? Really? *looks freaked out*

Jessica: If I could see Bella without Edward again, then I'd die happy

_Bella: er..._

Mike: If I could see Bella with no clothes then _I'd_ die happy

_Bella: o-o oh my god_

Emmett: uh oh, really? *smirks evilly* I'd die laughing

_Bella: O~o I'm humiliated..._

Edward: HOW DARE YOU!

-everyone jumps fifty feet in the air, even the Cullens-

Emmett: He liiives ...more or less...and always angrily :/

Edward: Don't tempt me to ruin you, Em - I don't feel like dealing with Rosalie today

_Rosalie: Smart move_

_Alice: *sighs* Em's always getting saved by you_

Jessica: Oh, Edward Cullen! I need you!

Edward: Jessica, I believe we need to establish who my whole sexy-self belongs to

Emmett: :o You're sexy? When did this happen?

Edward: Shut up.

Emmett: *snorts*

Jessica: No, no, I need your brain, Edward

_Rosalie: I'm not surprised she's in need of a brain..._

Jessica: I have this problem that I can't get. If a train carrying 3 cases of unicorns departed from New York, and another train carrying 13 cases of unicorns departed from Florida, how long would it take you to guess my favorite color?

_Rosalie, Jasper, and Bella: What kind of a question is tha-_

Edward: Where are the two trains headed? *has very serious look on his face*

Emmett: What? Are you kidding, bro? Why does that matter?

Edward: Well, if the trains were headed to Hawaii, once they both hit the California coast there'd be a dilemma and that would cost time...

Jessica: My favorite color is in Texas!

Edward: I see. In that case, it would take me 5 seconds

Eric: Wrong. It's 22 seconds

Edward: No, it's 5

Eric: IT'S 22! You want to mess with me? I worked the equation out four times in my head. I am right!

Lauren: _You_...are crazy

Eric: *shrugs nonchalantly* It's what I do in my free time

Emmett: Okay... I don't think there's an answer to Jessica's question

Edward: That's because you don't think anything

Emmett: *glowers*

Eric: The point is Edward can find Jessica's favorite color in 5 seconds...if the train didn't get derailed by a hurricane, killing all the unicorns. But since it clearly did, it takes him 22

Everyone: ...

Emmett: There _are_ hurricanes in Texas, I suppose...

Eric: Exactly right, therefore, the riddle would be solved by calculating the wind and category of the hurricane. It would then be easy to understand what Jessica's favorite color is.

Edward: ... Which is red.

Eric: The color of blood

Emmett: For the 13 dead unicorns^^ I get it now

-silence-

Lauren: Actually...her favorite color is purple.

Jessica: O~O You guys are _soooo_ mean to kill off my unicorns. And I named them after all of you, too!

**Jessica logged off to go cry**

_Bella: Way to go, guys -_-_

_Rosalie: Why would those two go along like that? And Emmett's less of a surprise than Edward... I worry about what is becoming of this family_

_

* * *

_

**Rose will be even more worried in the next chapter :o**

**Since this is a Twilight fanfic we should look at this from a vampire's perspective. From a vampire's perspective the length of time it took me to update really hasn't been that long, so nobody should be mad -^.^- ...But don't worry, I have a lot of hilarity ready for this story so we can look at my next updates through human perspectives again.**


	35. Roses Are Red, Violets Are Too

Lauren: Great, we lost Jessica, and the Cullens are already gone. This is not going how it was supposed to go!

_Alice: *sings* Ha-ha. That's what you get for trying to mess with the Cullens_

Tyler: I didn't know we were supposed to go anywhere

Mike: Lauren's crazy

Lauren: *glares*

Eric: We need more friends :'(

**John logged on**

**Cera logged on**

Eric: Oooo, more friends!^^

John: Shut up!

Eric: o-o

_Alice: Oh, I remember this guy. He was mean... But I was under the influence of the posty myself, so it wasn't all that bad_

_Rosalie: Mean? He's vulgar_

John: Why were we invited here you bleep, bleeping, bleep.

Mike: Ha-ha, the chat bleeps him out!

Tyler: I hate bleepers, they always bleep out the best bleeping parts

Cera: ...I like them, they make the world a nice place to listen to

Tyler: No, girl, they make the world sound like a scanner-robot like him *points to John*

John: Don't point your bleeping bleep fingers at me you bleeping bleep bleep bleep bl-bl-bl-bleep bleeeeeeeeep!

Eric: Ugh! Make it stop! *covers his ears*

John: bleeeeeeeppp!

Tyler: You see? ! I hate bleepers

Emmett: But we all get bleeped... except Carlisle - he's immune

John: Listen you ugly bleep bleeping-

Emmett: :O Ugly? Me? Impossible. You must be blind

_Jasper: No, I see it, too_

_Edward, Alice, and Bella: :D_

John: bleep bleeper bleep-head-

Lauren: How do you shut him up? I'm getting a headache here

Cera: Well...he likes poetry

Everyone: ...really?

John: -bleep-bleeeepp-bleeping bleepers!

Emmett: Roses are red, violets are too...

John: blee- *tilts head to the side and listens thoughtfully*

_Bella: o_o it's working...even though violets aren't red_

_Rosalie: That figures_

Emmett: *clears throat* Roses are red/ violets are too/ you say that I'm ugly/ but have you seen that dude? *points at a reflection of John* hehehehe

John: ... BLEEEEEPPP YOOOUUUUU AND YOUR BLEEEPING POEM OF BLEEPNESS!

**John logged off**

Emmett: What? I thought it was pretty good. Puts me right up there next to William Blake, William Wordsworth, William Shakespeare, Will Smith _-everyone raises an eyebrow-_

Cera: You are ever so weird...Oh! Now I remember you from last time

Emmett: *gasps dramatically* not from last time

Lauren: Wait...all these people popping up are friends of the Cullens?

_The Cullens: o-o_

Emmett: No way! These are Eric's cousins.

Magic 8 Ball: HAHA

Eric: o.O T-T

Lauren: *looks suspicious* I'm not as stupid as these guys. You're hiding something, Emmett Cullen

Emmett: How dare you use my name informally like we're buddies when we most certainly aren't...well, buddies

Lauren: Bite me!

Emmett: er, I don't think you know what you're asking

Lauren: God I'm tired of being around Cullens

Tyler: We should wipe them out

Mike: *grabs his cork gun again* Good plan. We'll need to take precautions first, though

Tyler: What kind of precautions?

Mike: Like I heard if you eat pop rocks while drinking a soda your head will explode

Tyler and Eric: O_O *takes it super seriously* woooaahhhh

_The Cullens: ..._

_Edward: Well...now they're distracted_

_Alice: Aww, I really wanted to know how they planned to annhilate us :(_

Cera: The world has gone insane, they've lost their sanity. They need help.

Emmett: I don't think anything can help them *smirks at the thought of them always posty-induced*

Cera: Yes, there's always help! ALWAYS!

Emmett: ...

Cera: ...

Emmett: ...

Cera: Do you pray?

Emmett: I do.

Cera: *looks appeased*

Emmett: On animals.

Cera: O_o?

Lauren: You do not. You're a vegetarian

Emmett: I _am_ a vegetarian

Cera: You're a vegetarian? Who preys on animals? ! *looks disgusted*

Emmett: I certainly hope NOT! You should be ashamed of yourself for even thinking that of me.

Cera: Oh *relaxes*...so you don't prey on animals

Emmett: Of course I do - I lied before :]

Cera: *angry face* You are not allowed to prey on animals!

Emmett: o.o I'm not?

Cera: NO!

Emmett: Well, if I'm not allowed to prey on animals...then you'd better start running *evil grin*

Cera: *feels instinctively threatened* uh...er... YOU need the most help! You-

**Carlisle logged on**

Cera: -animal-preying vegetarian blood drinker!

**Cera logged off**

Carlisle: Oh, Emmett *groans*-not again

**Carlisle logged off**

Emmett: :O Why does Carlisle do that? Randomly pop up just to see me look bad. That's not fair at all. This sucks!

_The Cullens and Bella: *trying not to laugh, and failing*_

Mike: You know what sucks?

Emmett: Weren't you listening, I just told you!

Mike: YOUR FACE!

Emmett: :O _((thinks: who do these humans think they are?))_

Mike: But you know what really sucks? If you drowned.

Tyler: Unless you were thirsty before you drowned.

Everyone: ...

Tyler: Just sayin'

Eric: Or if you're a fish

Lauren: *throws her head in her hands and groans at their idiocy* oh my god... All of you will believe anything someone tells you!

**Jessica logged on**

Jessica: You'll never guess what happened!

Emmett: Try us - we're gullible ;)

* * *

**You'll never guess what happened, either. No, really, you won't. I don't even know what happened and I've already finished writing that part. o-o**

**Your reviews are so sweet to me that I made cyber-cupcakes for all! They have sparkle sprinkles on them, too - vamp style, in honor of Edward and his 109th birthday yesterday! 8D**


	36. I Do Not Live In A Tipi!

**Jessica logged on**

Jessica: You'll never guess what happened!

Emmett: Try us—we're gullible ;)

Lauren: What now, Jess?

Mike, Tyler, and Eric: Tell us! Tell us! Tell us!

Jessica: It's so cool

Lauren: What is?

Eric: That 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321?

Tyler: That I was born?

Mike: That a hippopotamus can open its mouth large enough to accomodate a four foot tall person?

Emmett: haha, Alice.

Alice: I'M FOUR FOOT TEN!

**_Alice disappeared_**

The humans: o-o

Emmett: *looks around* woah, that was peculiar

Jessica: *shakes head* None of that stuff is cool!

Eric, Tyler, Mike: *pouts*

Lauren: *sighs* What's so cool then?

Jessica: My mom grew a toilet paper tree in our front yard! ^.^

Everyone: ...

Emmett: Okay...maybe we're not as gullible as I let on

_Alice & Edward: *busts out laughing*_

_Rosalie, Jasper, & Bella: *glares at them curiously*_

Lauren: Um...Jess, what?

Jessica: My. Mom. Grew. A. Toilet. Paper. Tree.

Lauren: YES, I KNOW! but-

Mike: A toilet paper tree, hmm?

Tyler: Like a tree with toilet paper instead of leaves :D

Eric: It saves money!

_Bella: But what happens when it rains? _

_Alice: Mushy toilet paper puddles all over the front yard_

_Bella: :/_

Mike: That's right, more money for more important things, like turtle food

Eric: But what happens when it rains?

Tyler: Mushy toilet paper puddles all over the front yard

Mike: Sweet!

_Bella & Alice: :O Hey!_

Lauren: Jess.

Jessica: I know it sounds unbelievable, but you should really believe it because it's so unbelievable.

_Rosalie: Does she realize what she just said?_

_Edward: *rolls his eyes* What do you think, Rose?_

_Rosalie: Hmph, some mind reader you are_

_Edward: o.o -_-_

Jessica: Now if we ever need toilet paper we can just walk right outside and gather some up for our bath-

Lauren: Wait, wait, wait! That doesn't make _any_ sense

Jessica: Lauren! Do I interrupt you while you're telling a story and tell you you're a liar?

Lauren: All the time.

Jessica: Fair enough. Anyway, as I was saying-

Lauren: Uh, Jessica?

Jessica: my family can harvest toilet paper-

Lauren: Jessica!

Jessica: What?

Lauren: I live right across from you...

Jessica: Really? When did that happen?

Lauren: Our whole lives, idiot! My gosh. And you know what? I'm looking out the window and that is NOT a toilet paper tree

Jessica: Of course it is, do you think I'm an idiot?

Emmett: That's what she just called you

Lauren: Jess, you're house got tipied

Emmett: AHAHA

Jessica: *does death glare at him*

Emmett: HA-*clears throat and looks away*

_Bella: Wow, Jess actually pulled off a terrifying glare_

_Edward: There's a first time for everything, I guess_

_Jasper: Hardly. I've yet to see Emmett outsmart Bella's cat, and at this point I don't think I ever will_

_Rosalie: *glares defensively* Emmett can take on a cat - he just chooses not to *doesn't sound convincing at all*_

_Edward, Alice, Bella, and Jasper: *stifles their laughs*_

Mike: Wait, what are you saying?

Tyler: Jessica's house is a tipi? !

Jessica: I do not live in a tipi!

Lauren: No! Tipied. You know, when somebody throws toilet paper all over a house, or tree, in your case...

Jessica: Psh, that's ridiculous. My house is neither tipied nor a tipi

Tyler: My house is a giant lincoln log creation!

Mike: Mine is made out of silly string and legos

Lauren: omg, that does it. I don't even know why I'm still here! Before all the stupidity rubs off on me, I'm leaving!

Tyler: Forever?

Mike: Please say yes

Lauren: *glares at them* Hmph!

**Lauren logged off**

Tyler: We got rid of Lauren

Mike: That's cool!

Eric: I thought that was the toilet paper tree?

Jessica: Eric, that was sooo twenty minutes ago. I bet you're still telling everybody to chillax.

Eric: o~o Shut up and go harvest your toilet paper!

**Eric logged off**

Jessica: Oh no he didn't just bring my tree into this

-Jessica's mom is heard-

_Jess's Mom: HOLY SMOKES! Who did that to our tree? !_

Jessica: *snorts* She doesn't even remember she planted a toilet paper tree

_Jess's little brother: Jessica did it. I saw her. I got a picture to prove it too in case she tries to blame it on me which I thought might happen_

_Jess's Mom: JESSICA!_

Jessica: o-o

**Jessica logged off**

_Bella: Wait a minute...Jessica did that, to her own tree?_

_Alice: Yep_

_Edward: But she doesn't remember, courtesy of the posty_

_Bella: Oh wow._

Tyler: Dude, now what? There's no more girls, you always scare them away

Mike: Screw you. I didn't do anything.

Tyler: Aren't you here?

Mike: *has to think about it* Uh... Yes

Tyler: That's what you did! You should be ashamed of yourself

**Tyler logged off**

Mike: ...

_Rosalie: They're almost all gone_

_Jasper: Then we can edit all we've recorded so it makes them seem even more crazy_

_Edward: Then we'll play it across the campus for all the school to see_

_Bella: Are you sure this isn't too mean? They'll never be able to live this down for the rest of their school careers, or their lives, for that matter_

_The Cullens: *thinks about it* ... NOPE_

_Rosalie: Now Emmett just has to get the Newton kid off_

Emmett: Hey, Fig Newton, now it's just us two.

Mike: I'm not a fig

Emmett: Okay, how about we change the 'i' to an 'a'?

Mike: Alright^^

Emmett: Okay

Mike: ... Wait, no way! Screw you, Edward Cullen's big brother!

Emmett: I have my own name! *angry face*

Mike: Take - *pops his cork gun at him* - that

Emmett: OW! MY EYE! *dramatically thunders into the floor,screaming in pain*

Mike: O-O Oh crap

**Mike logged off**

Emmett: *pops up with a giant grin on his face* That was easy :)

* * *

**I thank you all for your reviews! I'll try to update as soon as I can; Summer is the busiest season for me.**


	37. Need A Shave Again, Jacob?

**Mike logged off**

Emmett: *pops up with a giant grin on his face* that was easy :) *turns mocking* You can all come out now. No big bad crazy humans around to make you hide behind your disappearing apps

_Jasper: Apparently, Emmett's still a little sore about us leaving him behind_

_Alice: I can see that he won't shut up for a good five minutes even if we reappear_

_Edward: In that case... *smirks evilly*_

**_Edward logged off_**

_Alice: *giggles*_

**_Alice logged off_**

**_Jasper logged off_**

**_Rosalie logged off_**

_Bella: :0 Isn't this mean? He won't know we're gone- oh, I'm just talking to myself -_-_

Emmett: You all suck! I hope you know that. Leaving me, a poor innocent defenseless vampire with all the whacko teenagers in this town - well, not all. You guys still had Bella. But the point stands!

_Bella: And...he just ruined my compassion_

**Bella logged off**

Emmett: I mean, am I the only one brave enough to even be seen next to these posty-induced humans and the chat invaders, who are insane without a posty on them at all mind you, and then have it all filmed for the Forks High population to see. Seriously! I know you all look up to me and everything, and not just because you're all shorter than me, either, but because my awesome-leader-meter is up there with Carlisle's, and I know you all wish to be like me in one way or another. Don't doubt it!

-silence-

Emmett: *looks around, pursing his lips*

-nothing happens-

Emmett: You guys? You guuuyss...? Hey, c'mon, I know you can hear me! Don't ignore m-

**Edward logged on**

**Alice logged on**

Emmett: Hey! Where'd you two come-

**Rosalie logged on**

**Jasper logged on**

Emmett: And where'd you two-

**Bella logged on**

Emmett: Bella? Where'd...

Bella: Oh, hey, Emmett. I was wondering where you were. Have you been on here this whole time?

Jasper: Yeah, man, we got off a while ago

Emmett: ... *looks suspiciously at them* You all left me on purpose, didn't you?

Everyone: *smiles innocently*

Emmett: *crosses arms* Why does everything that only happens to stupid people always end up happening to me?

Alice: For the same reason only you would call the operator and ask for the number of 9-1-1

Emmett: It was when they first started the operator system and I was testing them!

Bella: *giggles*

Rosalie: *sighs* So, now what is the plan with the video of the entire chat with Bella's friends?

Edward: We edit it so they seem even crazier than they were...

Bella: Is that possible?

Edward: ...then Monday at school we play it during the assembly in the auditorium.

Bella: What assembly?

Edward: The one Alice sees happening

Alice: This is going to work out PERFECTLY! Just you wait

Emmett: All right! Lets go edit some film

Alice: Emmett, NO! I have better ideas for it than you

Emmett: No you don't

Alice: I've seen it

Emmett: No you haven't

Bella: Er, Emmett, I think she has

Emmett: Nope. Because the awesome awesomeness of my awesomness is far beyond the limit of Alice's puny visions. The little squirt can't handle my future self - I'm too brilliant.

Alice: -_- that future self of yours must be way, way, way, way, way, _way_ in the future, because I definitely don't see you even edging toward cool right now

Emmett: And to think I used to love you as my sister...

Alice: That's OK, I'll have Bella help me with editing. Come on, Bella.

**Alice logged off**

Bella: I don't really want to do-

_-Alice appears behind her- _Alice: Yes you do

Bella: O.O eep!

**Bella was logged off _by force! ! !_**

Emmett: No they don't! I did all the work with the humans, so I'm helping

**Emmett logged off _to go torment an Alice and a Bella! ! !_**

Edward and Jasper: -_- Great

Rosalie: Why do they feel the need to personalize their sign off messages?

Edward: Probably for the same reason you feel the need to voice your opinions at all

Rosalie: *glares at him*

Jasper: You two always have been delightful to hang around with when you're together...

**Jacob logged on**

Rosalie: Oh you've got to be kidding me

Edward: As much of a joke as Jacob is, no, he's really here

Jacob: You bloodsuckers sure know how to greet a guy

Rosalie: You, dog, shoo. Go and eat your Pedigree

Jacob: No thanks. *pats his stomach* Had a big bowl this morning.

**Seth logged on**

Seth: Hey guys :)

Edward, Rosalie, and Jasper: Hello, Seth

Jacob: What? No werewolf jab at him?

Rosalie: What would be the fun of that? He's not you.

Jacob: Figures

Seth: So what are you guys up to? :)

Edward: Revenge

Jacob: *shudders* Ugh. Don't even mention that word

Rosalie: Re-ven-ge

Jacob: *glares at her*

Jasper: What's wrong with that word?

Jacob: I just don't like it! Brings up bad memories, that's all.

Seth: It's Bella's fault. Remember what happened last time, with Bella's reven-

Jacob: *shoots him a death glare*

Seth: -er, I mean, what happened after teasing Bella...

Edward: *chuckles* Need a shave again, Jacob?

Rosalie: *snorts* You looked like a giant mutant Chihuahua

Jacob: Hey! You didn't even see me in my wolf form

Rosalie: Edward saw through your thougts. Then he drew it for the rest of us and his drawing skills are pretty dead on, you know, for a vampire with a photographic memory.

Edward: Yes. Bella now has it hanging on her wall for a good laugh every once in a while. Charlie even laughs at it, though he has no idea what it is.

Jacob: That does it. I hate the world.

Jasper: Come on, maybe we should give Jacob a break

Jacob: ...Really?

Jasper: Of course. I mean, life's gotta be tough when you're stupid

Jacob: -_- And here I thought there could be some ounce of decency in the creepy Cullen, but nope

Jasper: Creepy?

Jacob: And constipated-looking

Jasper: IT'S EITHER I LOOK LIKE THIS OR I EAT PEOPLE! YOU DECIDE!

Jacob and Seth: o-o

Edward: Don't mind him. He just gets a little sensitive about the face he makes when trying to resist human blood for long periods of time

Jasper: *mumbles*-look who's talkin'

Jacob: Right... And that's why werewolves are better. We don't look constipated, and we don't have to _try_ not kill people - we just don't kill people, because we're cool like that.

Seth: Aw, Jake, it's not their fault-

Jacob: Seth, don't be a leech-lover. It's unhealthy.

Seth: But-

Jacob: They are naturally monsters. We are not. We're just overgrown dogs, and dog's are a man's best friend.

Rosalie: Hmm, yes, yes. Well, diamonds are a _woman's_ best friend, so regarding Bella...

Edward: *smirks*

Jacob: Psh, when has Bella ever been like normal girls?

Edward: *smirk fades* ... Aw, hell, he makes a valid point *glares at nothing*

Jacob: AH HA! I win. Woo hoo! Now I have to go join the rest of the guys so we can make fun of and insult all you bloodsuckers.

**Jacob logged off**

Seth: When he says "all", he really meas just you Edward. Sorry.

**Seth logged off**

Edward: Figures

-silence-

Jasper: ... I do not look constipated

Edward and Rosalie: OH, give it a rest!

**Emmett logged on**

**Alice logged on**

Emmett: Okay, we need some help on the video edit...ing...what's up with you three? You look irritated.

Alice: Aw, Jazz, you don't look constipated

Emmett: o-O

Jasper: :]

Alice: *coughs*much*coughs*

Jasper: :] I'll ignore that, because I love you too much

Alice: Yay!

Rosalie: *rolls eyes* Alice gets away with everything

Edward: Just like the mutt *sighs*

Emmett: Oh, the dog was here. That explains a lot

Rosalie: I wish he'd never been born

Alice: Oh, Rose, that's a little harsh.

Emmett: Yeah, babe... He just had to be born into an animal that actually smells appealing to eat...AND THEN WE'D EAT HIM!

Edward: No. He protected Bella, and made her happy...that's all that matters now

Emmett: Just think, if you never left...

Edward: *grimaces*

Jasper: ... *frowns* It's my fault. I should have controlled myself better at the birthday party...

Alice: No, Jazz. I should have seen things. A LOT of things, but I missed so much! *scowls*

Edward: I just shouldn't have left. I was a misguided idiot, and I nearly got us both killed because of it. Then in Italy... *groans*

Rosalie: *looks down* I shouldn't have called you, Edward, and...told you about Bella like I did...

Emmett: Well, I... I... I didn't do anything. HA! *sings tauntingly as he points and laughs at all of them* I didn't do anything wro-ong. You can't blame me for anything! I'm the only innocent one. Haa, ha, haa, ha, haaa, haaaaaaaaa

**Rosalie logged off**

**Edward logged off**

**Alice logged off**

**Jasper logged off**

Emmett: ha, ha-Hey...

-silence-

**Bella logged on**

Emmett: Oh, hey Bel- *gets pummeled by four vampires*

_**-Emmett was disconnected-**_

Bella: ...Uh...what just happened?

* * *

**HAHA, Emmett. HA. HA.**

**To all you patient people and reviewers: Thank you! You're all a lovely bunch of coconuts (and, yes, that's a compliment) :]**


	38. Don't Get So Hokey Pokey, Bella

**Jacob logged on**

Bella: Watch out, Jake, there's some weird things going on around here

Jacob: Oh good, it's you this time and not those disgusting parasites

Bella: Jake...

Jacob: I don't want to hear it, Bella

Bella: Okay

Jacob: ...

Bella: ...

Jacob: Wait, what were you going to say?

Bella: *shrugs* You don't want to hear it, remember?

Jacob: I change my mind. Tell me.

Bella: No

Jacob: Tell me!

Bella: Fine! I was saying: Jake...be nice.

Jacob: ... I knew I didn't want to hear it -_-

Bella: *giggles*

Jacob: Okay, look, Bella, I came on because I have to get something off my chest

Bella: Is it your shirt? Please say yes.

Jacob: Bella, focus!

Bella: On what?

Jacob: On the fact you love me!

Bella: Jake...

Jacob: I'm serious, Bella. You have to see how much you love me, even if it's only my hair you love, or my smile, or my ears, or my nose, okay? Just admit something! ANYTHING!

Bella: Jacob, look, I got a lot on my plate right now

Jacob: Like what?

Bella: A baked potatoe, a chicken wing, a pineapple, some Doritos...and a very vengeful vampire family who's torturing my friends with some whacked out post-it note, so...maybe you can save the 'You love me and you know it' speech for some other day.

Jacob: How about Tuesday?

Bella: Yeah, okay

Jacob: Great! See ya then

**Jacob logged off**

Bellla: ...wait, what?

-Alice suddenly appears behind her-

Alice: Hi, Bella

Bella: *screams*

**Bella logged off _to go edit a video! Tralala!_**

-Two Days Later-

**Edward logged on**

**Jasper logged on**

**Alice logged on**

**Bella logged on**

Bella: Okay...I don't ever want to go through that again

Alice: Oh, it wasn't that bad. Just a little riot at the school. A little trampling. A little glomping. No big deal.

Bella: Alice, that was terrifying.

Alice: How? Edward was there to protect you

Bella and Edward: It wasn't me/her I/she was worried about

Edward: See? How did I know that? -_-

**Esme logged on**

**Carlisle logged on**

Carlisle: Kids, do you know what's happened to the entire teen population in this town?

Esme: They've gone crazy ever since the school let out today.

Edward: Well...I might have theory about that

Carlisle: Really? What is it?

Edward, Alice, and Jasper: *grins widely*

Bella: *groans*

_-Edward's Flashback-_

-Edward's driving to school extra early, with Emmett in the backseat, and Ghost in the front-

Emmett: *is glaring at Ghost*

Edward: *sighs* Emmett, the cat is not my new sidekick. That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard.

Emmett: Oh yeah? Then why does he get shotgun?

Edward: Because he gets carsick, and you know that

Ghost: ((I have failed to understand why I am even here in this godawful vehicle.))

Emmett: ((Hey, this is my jeep, furry!))

Ghost: ((Point made. As I was saying, I don't know where we're going and I doubt it's important at all if the pea-brain is being brought along. I was woken up from my beauty sleep for this!))

Emmett: ((That's a shame - you really needed it.))

Ghost: *hisses at Emmett* ((How much farther to this place?))

Emmett: ((Oh, seventy, eighty miles.))

Ghost: ((Eighty miles! And you didn't get me breakfast?))

Emmett: ((We did get you breakfast.))

Ghost: ((Oh. Where is it?))

Emmett: ((Bella ate it :D))

Ghost: *glares*

Edward: Emmett, quit getting the cat upset.

Emmett: So that's it then! You care about him more than me!

Edward: ugh *rolls his eyes*

Ghost: ((I am NOT his sidekick. I would rather kiss a grizzly than be the moody-stalker-vampire's partner in crime))

Emmett: Ha-ha! You just got pwned by a cat

Edward: I see. So this is how you feel all the time, huh? Interesting.

Emmett: *glowers at him*

Edward: *could understand Ghost through Emmett's thoughts* We aren't far from the vet, you know...

Ghost: O-O

Emmett: Hehe, good idea, Edward, bro

Ghost: ((Don't you dare. Do you hear me? I will burn your house down while you're still in it if you take me anywhere of the sort!))

Emmett: Is that so...?

-they arrive at the school-

Emmett: *sees an old man walking by* WHY, HELLO! Want to buy a cat? *holds up a hissing Ghost* He's really quite a delight.

Old man: The cat? What would I do with the cat?

Emmett: Why you eat him, silly mustached man :)

Edward: *drags Emmett toward the auditorium* Now isn't the time for that

Emmett: What are you babbling about? We have the Ghost - now is the perfect time to get rid of him

Ghost: ((You, vampire, have clearly been mentally unstable in your previous life and are now permanently stuck like that. I pity you.))

Emmett: I'm sorry, Edward, did you hear something? *throws Ghost up into a tree*

Ghost: Meeeooowww! *clings to the first branch he touches*

Edward: *sighs* ... Oh well. Lets go.

-Edward and Emmett start walking away-

Ghost: ((How DARE YOU! Get me down at once! I demand it!))

Emmett: *snickers*

Ghost: ((Your insolence will be punished. Mark my words, vampires))

Emmett: So...why did we bring him, anyway?

Edward: A favor to Bella. I wasn't kidding about the vet, but we'll wait till later

Emmett: *gets evil grin*

-they knock on the back door of the auditorium, and an angry looking man answers-

Emmett: Hello! I'm Emmett! ^.^

-man slams door in his face-

Emmett: Do you think he'll answer if I knock again?

Edward: *rolls eyes and knocks again*

-A lady answers this time-

Edward: Hello. We're from the Board of Education. We're here for the surprise inspection.

Lady: Again? We just had a surprise inspection last week.

Edward: Yes. There was a problem with that one.

Lady: *looks concerned* What was it?

Edward: You weren't surprised enough. Now, if you'd be so kind to let us in

Lady: Oh...sure.

-a few minutes later-

Emmett: That was easy

-in a room they pass, they see a vending machine, an unopen can of soda, a paperclip, and a teacher passed out on the table with half-graded papers in front of him-

Emmett: Ooooo! Are you thinking what I'm-

Edward: Not even close.

Emmett: *pouts*

Edward: Now come on, we have to get to the projection room before the assembly starts- ... Hey! *stops abruptly, glaring at the post on the wall*

Emmett: What is it?

Edward: Why is my name on the detention list?

Emmett: Oh. You got caught eating a candybar out of a trashcan :)

Edward: Emmett!

Emmett: Yes, you've made it quite clear that you know my name

Edward: Just, come on! *mutters to himself*-I can't believe I got stuck with him

Emmett: You love me! Tell me I'm wrong!

Edward: You're wrong

Emmett: Nobody asked you!

Edward: Here it is *stops in front of projection room* Do you have the camera?

Emmett: Video and all. Now lets do this

_-End Edward's flashback-_

Carlisle and Esme: ...

Carlisle: I don't understand how this explains anything

Bella: You guys threw my kitty up in a tree!

Edward: He was still there when we came back, Bella. Nothing bad happened.

Bella: You still left him in a tree all day!

Alice: That wasn't the best idea ever, Edward

Jasper: Yeah, the best idea ever was when it was our turn to change the Thanksgiving decorations to the Christmas ones, and we didn't want to so we just left the Thanksgiving ones up...and put Christmas hats on all of them. -Edward and Jasper fist bump-

Esme: *sighs* I would have preferred the twinkle lights that year, you know?

Carlisle: Can someone please explain what the point of that flashback was?

Edward: Oh, it was just the intro.

Jasper: That was all behind the scenes, but now...

Alice: Now it gets to the good part! *smirks*

_-Alice and Jasper's flashback-_

Alice: Hehehe hehehehe hehehehe hehehehe hehehehe hehehe

Bella: ...

Alice: Hehehehe hehehe hehe

Bella: Alice, stop giggling! People are starting to stare...

Alice: Don't get so hokey pokey, Bella

Jasper: Just turn yourself around

Bella: But that's what it's all about :(

Rosalie: I'm embarrassed to know you three -_-

Alice: *gasps* It's about to start!

-the lights in the auditorium go dim, and the spotlight goes on the principal-

Principal: ...

Everyone: *waiting curiously*

Principal: RESPECT!

Everyone: *jumps*

Principal: Students, faculty, and staff, during the next 60 minutes-

_Jasper: I love that show_

Principal: -you will be watching a video on R-E-S-P-E-C-T and finding out what it means to me, and to you! It's about respecting yourself and your fellow classmates.

Bella: Oh no... it just had to be about that

Rosalie: That's ironic

Alice: It's so perfect, it's criminal *starts giggling like a maniac again* Hehehehehe

Girl next to her: *starts staring at her* Are you... Are you crazy?

Alice: Crazy! Oh no, no, no. Just an eccentric who looks good in jeans and a Porsche.

Principal: So, I hope you learn a lot of interesting things in this video.

Jasper: Oh, I'm sure we will...

Principal: *signals for the movie to start*

-the lights go all the way off, and a countdown begins on the screen-

_3..._

_2..._

_1..._

_-Mike appears on screen-_

_Mike: *sings* I smell like cond-i-ments! *bobs up and down to silly music with a stupid grin on his face*_

Auditorium: *erupts in laughter*

Mike: Is that me? O-o

Lauren: OH MY GOD!

**To be continued...**


	39. Touche Is Fun To Say

**Chapter 39 is here! It's a miracle, isn't it? It took me a while to figure out how to go about this chapter, and I really hope it's not confusing. One can only hope... :] **

**Remember, **_italics_** mean it's happening on screen. So pay attention!**

* * *

_3..._

_2..._

_1..._

_-Mike appears on screen-_

_Mike: *sings* I smell like cond-i-ments! *bobs up and down to silly music with a stupid grin on his face*_

Auditorium: *erupts in laughter*

Mike: Is that me? O-o

Lauren: OH MY GOD!

_**-pause Alice and Jasper's flashback-**_

Alice: I just want to point out, by the way, that the sticky notes have been removed from the poor humans at this point.

Jasper: We wanted them at their sanest when they watched this.

Alice, Jasper, & Edward: *smirks evilly*

Esme: *whispers to Carlisle* I'm afraid I don't want them to continue.

Carlisle: I really don't want to know either, but once Alice gets started-

Alice: Now back to the story!

_**-flashback continues-**_

Lauren: This video isn't showing what I think it is, is it? *starts shrinking into her chair*

_-Random shots of Mike appear-_

_Michelle: OMG! It's him. The gorgeous genius guy! *.*_

_Mike: *laughs crazily*_

_Eric: Or a fish ^0^_

_Mike: *is flirting* Why not stick around with me for a while?_

_Sasha: Eww, forget that!_

_Mike: Hi-C!_

_Lauren: Mike, are you on medication?_

_Mike: *laughs crazily*_

Mike: o_o

Jessica: Omg, Mike is sooo stupid *is laughing her head off*

Tyler: I know! What a freak! Hahahaha

_-a montage of Jessica and Tyler making a variety of silly faces goes by-_

_Jessica: You guys are soooo- _

_Tyler: I'M NOT CRAZY!_

_Jessica: -mean to kill off my unicorns!_

_Mike: *laughs crazily*_

Jessica & Tyler: ...

_Lauren: There can't be anyone more stupid than all of you_

_Eric: T~T -is shown in various scenes, crying like a wuss-_

Eric: *hides behind his hands in humiliation, peeking at the screen from between his fingers*

_Jessica: I live in a tipi!_

_Eric: WOW!_

_Tyler: Forever?_

_Mike: Please say yes._

_Jasper: No._

_Eric: o~o_

Rosalie: Your editing makes them look completely ridiculous.

Bella: I think we did a good job.

Alice: Of course we did, because we kept Emmett away.

_Mike: *grabs a cork gun*_

_Lauren: Mike..._

_Mike: *starts incessantly popping the gun*_

_-a few screams from the TV is heard while the camera swings around, crashing all over the place-_

Rosalie: When did this happen?

Jasper: It didn't.

Alice: I improved things! ^.^

Bella: *starts giggling* Here comes Emmett's part

_Emmett: *pops up with big grin on his face*_

_-Mike's cork gun pops-_

_Emmett: OW! MY EYE! *thunders to the floor screaming in pain* I'M GONNA SUE YOUR ASS, NEWTON!_

_Mike: *laughs crazily* 8D_

Auditorium: Hahahahahaha!

Principal: What is this? *is seething with anger* What is this!

_Tyler & Eric: O-O Woooaahhh_

_Lauren: You're all crazy!_

_Sasha: You're a joke._

_Jessica: She is, but she's not a very funny one_

_Magic 8 Ball: HAHA!_

_-random segments of Pablo's chat runs, mixed with John and Cera's, and Patricia, Michelle, and Sasha. All the while Jess, Eric, Lauren, Mike, and Tyler look super crazy-_

Jessica: What the heck! I have a toilet paper tree? Why didn't anybody tell me?

Lauren: OMG, Jess, just shut up *is bright red*

Principal: This Is Not RESPECT! NOBODY WATCH! I DEMAND THAT NOBODY WATCH!

_Mike: *appears to be glaring into the camera* All must des- destro- destroy-y-y-y!_

_-the screen starts to skip, going to static, making it really scary looking, before all goes silent and an old, creepy picture of a random hallway appears-_

Auditorium: o_o ...?

Principal: ...?

...

...

_-A white cat abruptly flies at the screen!-_

Cat: MEEEEOOWWWWW!

Auditorium: AAAAAHHHHH!

_-everything goes pitch black-_

The Cullens: o~o *Bella is clinging to Alice, who's clinging to Jasper, who's clinging to Rosalie*

Rosalie: -_-

Alice: Not even I was expecting that T^T Who changed our tape?

_-suddenly a picture of a _god-like _body in the shower appears (but the head is cut off)-_

Everybody, even the Cullens: O-O

Jasper & Rosalie: Is that-?

Bella: Ohmygod!

Alice: Where did that come from? Oh... poor Edward!

-up in the projection room-

Edward: O_O what. in. holy. hell. is. THAT. doing. on. here.

Emmett: *whistles innocently*

-back down in the auditorium-

Rosalie: And I thought Bella's cat was a scary surprise... Who put that in-

-a huge crash comes from up in the projection room. Only the three Cullens can hear the snarling, wrestling brothers-

Rosalie, Jasper, & Alice: Oh. _Oh_... -_-

Alice: Oh well! At least it's censored. And nobody knows it's Edward. Well...except Bella.

Bella: *-*

Alice: :/

_-the screen starts rising to show the top of the picture-_

The Cullens: o-o oh crap

Edward: Emmett, what did you do! \O-O/

Emmett: *starts grinning in anticipation*

_-the screen shows the entire picture, head and all-_

-a beat of dead silence passes-

The auditorium: ... o_o "Is that...?" "It is..." "Is it?" "It is him!" *gasps*

Jessica: Oh my god. It's the principal.

Principal: (8-O

The Cullens: *are speechless*

Rosalie: Emmett...

Bella: Is...

Alice: *has a vision and smiles* BRILLIANT!

Jasper: I was going to finish with 'mentally disturbed', Alice

-up in projection room-

Edward: You photoshopped the principal's head on my body? *chokes in disgust* ew.

Emmett: *is cracking up, pointing down at the auditorium* Look at the old man's face! Hahahahaaaaa! That's for all those detentions. And the kids don't know whether to drool over the body or be disturbed by who it is... And it's about to get better!

-the principal's head suddenly transforms into Mr. Varner's-

Everybody: "Omg!" "Ew!" "Look!" Someone whispers: "Wait, Mr. Varner is clearly fatter than that, though..." "Does that mean it wasn't the principal's body either?" "Who's is it?" "I want it." "Is it someone single?" "SSHH! It's changing again."

_-it changes again to another teacher's. Then a student's. Then Mike's. Then Emmett's. Then Eric's. Another student's. And another teacher. And another's. And Jasper's. And Edward's. Carlisle's. Tyler's. Charlie's. Alice's.-_

Alice: What the hell!

_-And it keeps changing and changing, faster and faster, until no one can take it anymore-_

Some girl: WHO'S GORGEOUS BODY IS THAT?

-the entire auditorium breaks out in a riot to try and find this mystery man-

_**-End Flashback-**_

Alice: So you see...every guy who somewhat fit the physical appearance of Edward's body started claiming it's a picture of them.

Jasper: While every girl went into a frenzy of lust, especially after they saw the Cullen guys' heads up there, and is now taking down every guy, every stranger, who might be the one.

Bella: I have to admit, Emmett made every head very convincing on that picture... even Alice's.

Alice: *scowls* Don't bring that up. I don't want to imagine that again *shudders with Jasper*

Carlisle & Esme: ...

Carlisle: Edward... Son, why is there a picture of you-

Edward: Don't ask, Carlisle. Just don't.

Jasper: *smirks* Someone snapped a shot of him while he was showering with the window open.

Esme: Oh, Edward, I warned you about that.

Jasper: *sniggers*

Edward: *looks like he could be blushing now, as he glares at Jasper*

**Emmett logged on**

**Rosalie logged on**

Rosalie: Ugh! We finally got away from the school!

Emmett: I think Rose ran over a few kids

Rosalie: And I'm not ashamed!

Emmett: Oh, hey Carlisle and Esme! Did you hear about our brilliance?

Alice: Yep, I told them^^

Carlisle & Esme: *looks at each other*

Emmett: It was awesome, wasn't it? But these girls tried to tackle me, which is strange, because they usually avoid us... But at least I got to say "Let me free, you vampires of virtue!" like I always wanted to.

Bella: *is watching Carlisle and Esme* Um, Emmett... I don't think-

Emmett: If you don't think, then you shouldn't talk. Touche.

Everyone: o-O

Rosalie: Did those words just come out of _my_ husband?

Emmett: They sure did :]

Edward: You know, you can't touche yourself.

Emmett: I can touche whatever I want.

Jasper: Not without looking like an idiot.

Emmett: I'm not 'touche'-ing that -_-

Alice: Touche is fun to say - and that rhymes, so you know it's true!

Bella: Yeah, it is fun! Like the words tortuga, panache, and carlisle! ^-^

Everyone: ...

Bella: ...What?

Edward: *chuckles* Bella, what _are_ you _thinking_?

Jasper: That's his e-mail signature.

Carlisle: Kids, can we get back on topic here?

Alice: Carlisle, you're gonna have to learn that in this room *gestures around her* EVERYTHING is on topic

Carlisle: *ignores that* Your revenge has caused every student, teacher, and staff member at Forks High to go...how do I put this lightly

Emmett: Just give it to us hard

The girls: EW!

Emmett: You three are _sick!_

Carlisle: *ignores that too* You have caused them to slightly lose their minds.

Edward: As I'm the one who has actual insight into these things, I can truthfully say, Carlisle, that all their minds are still there.

Carlisle: *gives Edward look*

Edward: *clears throat* Just saying

Carlisle: Be that as it may, your mother and I are not amused.

Alice: *GASP*

Carlisle: I know you must be shocked that we do not share the joke the same way all of you do, but you have just publicly embarrassed five students at your school-

Alice: No, no, not that, Carlisle - you're much more than predictable. I just had a couple of very interesting visions!

Edward: We're going to need to redo my bathroom, Esme...

Esme: ?

Alice: First, the girls at school have committed themselves to studying the picture on the tape - the tape that Emmett was supposed to bring home...

Emmett: *mumbles*I knew I forgot something

Alice: and they are planning to stalk every house until they find the bathroom the picture was taken in.

Esme: Oh dear...

Alice: And the second vision is the principal! He's very upset that his Respect assembly was disrespected. He's determined to find out the culprits behind this. Our family will be interrogated soon, and Bella too.

The Cullen Kids: ... *all look to Carlisle and Esme*

Esme: *scowls at all of them* You lot are lucky. If we weren't vampires and had to stay out of trouble as much as possible, I would make you take full responsibility for this, and suffer the consequences.

Carlisle: But as it is, when the principal interrogates you...*sighs*...don't get caught.

The Cullen Kids: You got it, Dad *thumbs up*


	40. Pancakes

**Edward logged on**

**Bella logged on**

Bella: Hi, Edward :)

**Jacob logged on**

Edward: Hello, love

Jacob: What the hell?

**Emmett logged on**

Edward: *scowls at Jacob* Not you

Emmett: Not me what? o-o

**Rosalie logged on**

Edward: No, not _you_!

Rosalie: *glares* Too damn bad. I'm not leaving.

**Jasper logged on**

Edward: Not YOU!

Jasper: Why not me? :(

**Alice logged on**

Edward: NO. NO. NO.

Alice: YES. YES. YES. We will tell the story!

Everyone: ...?

Edward: *sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose* What story, Alice?

Alice: Of our interrogation with Principal Pattinson

Bella: Oh yeah. He came to my house, too... *glares at Jacob, but nobody knows why*

Edward: ...Jacob was still over when he came by?

Jacob: Yeah *snorts* You guys have one stupid principal

Bella: Jake.

Jacob: Well you do

Bella: So what happened with you guys first?

Cullen kids: Well...

_**-the Cullens' flashback-**_

-the doorbell rings; Carlisle heads to answer it-

Esme: Kids, remember to behave, please.

Emmett: *plops down on the sofa* Esme, we are the most behaved people on this planet.

-Carlisle and the principal enter the living room, already in conversation-

Principal: ...he's not going to bite me is he?

Jasper: Not unless you want me to :]

Alice: Jasper, not _you_!

Rosalie: *flicks his ear*

Jasper: o.0

Carlisle: *gives Jasper a look* We were talking about Bella's cat. Principal Pattinson isn't fond of the feline species.

Emmett: He isn't, is he? -gets a look from Carlisle & Esme- *clears throat* Not that I will use that against him in any way...

Carlisle: *sighs* Your principal is here to ask you a few questions. I expect none of you mind.

The Cullen kids: Of _course_ not

Esme: Have a seat on the couch here, Mr. Pattinson.

Principal: Oh, Why, thank-you, Esme. You may call me Taylor.

Esme: And you may call me Mrs. Cullen ^-^ *walks off*

Principal: ...

Esme: *returns and places a tray of food on the coffee table*

Alice & Emmett: Cheese and crackers, yay!

Esme: And here is a fruit dish, as well.

Principal: Thank-you.

Esme: Your welcome ^-^ Would you like fries with that?

Principal: ...Why would I want fries with fruit?

Esme: ... *inconspicuously pulls out the book _Proper Etiquette for Dealing With Human Guests_*

The book: "Food items that will offend or confuse guests when paired together: 1. cookies & BBQ sauce; 2. popcorn & oatmeal; 3. ketchup & cucumbers; 4. French fries & fru-..."

Esme: :/ *puts it away* ... Never mind! -^_^- *walks away again*

Principal: All right...?

Edward: *is observing a slice of cheese* Do you know why they call it cheese?

Principal: Why?

Edward: I was just asking o.o

Principal: _(These people...are a little strange...)_

Emmett: So, what brings you our way Principal P.?

Principal: Well, as you are all aware, my Respect Assembly was...what word am I looking for?

Alice: Disrespected?

Principal: YES! Very good, Alice. Jolly Rancher for you.

Alice: *gets handed a Jolly Rancher* ... um, thank-you?

Edward:_ (And he thinks _we're _odd...)_

Principal: Now, Carlisle and Mrs. Cullen, I'm not necessarily accusing any of your wonderful children of being a part of this devilish scandal. These ones are more like angels, they are.

Carlisle & Esme: You don't say. *looks doubtfully at all their children sitting angelically around the sofa*

Cullen kids: 0=3

Carlisle & Esme: *smiles despite themselves*

Principal: *mumbles*-Well, except maybe Emmett.

Emmett: :O

Carlisle & Esme: _(I knew it.)_

Principal: I'm simply going to question them to see if they can help me solve this mystery.

Alice: Oh, my Jazzy loves mysteries!

Emmett: He was a detective in his past life.

Jasper: What? O-o

Principal: Excellent! We could use that to our advantage.

Jasper: Er...what?

Principal: So, Jasper, did you see anything unusual yesterday at school?

Jasper: Your face.

-The Cullen kids burst out laughing-

The adults: ...

The Cullen kids: *quickly stops*

Jasper: Sorry. You fell right into that one, sir.

Principal: Very well, we'll come back to you. Alice! Did you see anything unusual yesterday?

Alice: I sure did!^^

Principal: Well, what was it dear?

Alice: A naked person with a bunch of different heads! It was gross.

Esme: You saw what, Alice? Principal Pattinson, what do you let into your school!

Principal: Huh? No! Oh, no, no! That's a big misunderstanding, Mrs. Coll- Culling- Cullen! That was on the video I am investigating about. I assure you!

All Cullens: *are trying not to laugh*

Esme: Hmm... Carry on.

Carlisle: *raises an amused eyebrow at his wife, who smiles innocently back and shrugs*

Principal: What of you other four now? Did you see anything unusual that doesn't involve the video? A suspicious person, perhaps?

Rosalie: Sorry, no. I only remember people when I insult them - and that's when I'm not ignoring them, so it's very rare I remember anybody.

Edward: Well, I saw a man who looked very much like a zombie. I would have reported him dead, but just because an undead is lying on the ground it doesn't mean he's dead, so...

Jasper: I saw the very first extra terriestrials land on Earth (of course they'd land in Forks), and I was going to report that in, but as soon as they saw Edward's face they bolted. Haha!

**-pause flashback-**

Jacob: Jeez... *looks at Jasper* what's with you and that comeback?

Jasper: What comeback?

Jacob: 'Your face'.

Jasper: _Your_ face!

Jacob: Your mom!

Jasper: Your mom's face!

Jacob: Your Alice's face!

Jasper: Oh now it's on. *starts rolling up his sleeves*

Jacob: *starts jumping around like he's boxing*

Alice: Would you two stop that! We are in the middle of a story! *hiss*

**-flashback continues-**

Principal: Hmmm, none of that helps at all... What about you, Emmett?

Emmett: ...

Principal: ...Emmett?

Emmett: I'm sorry, did you say something?

Principal: Did you see anything?

Emmett: You can't prove it!

Principal: What does that mean? I asked if you saw anything!

Emmett: Can I ask you, Mr. Principal, sir, why this is such a big deal? I mean, I think you should just forget about this whole mess-

Principal: Forget?... FORGET ABOUT THIS? IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING? YOU WANT ME TO FORGET ABOUT THIS?

Cullen kids: *appear to be getting smaller as the principal's voice raises*

Principal: FORGETTING IS EXACTLY WHAT THESE DESPICABLE BRATS WANT! WE CANNOT SIT AROUND AND PRETEND TO TOLERATE THEIR PRACTICAL JOKES!

Rosalie: There's nothing practical about jokes...

Edward: And we prefer to call them shenanigans.

Principal: *stares at Edward suspiciously* And do you know what yesterday was?

Edward: The ninth of May?

Principal: It was my birthday!

Alice: *gasps really loudly* What a co-in-ci-dence. Did you know that your Birthday and Jasper's Unbirthday fall on the same day! What are the odds of that?

Jasper: :o That's amazing.

Principal: Um...Cullens, you know there are no such thing as Unbirthdays

Cullen kids: *are all astounded*

Alice: *folds her arms over her chest defiantly* No we do not know! And we don't like those phrases that always assume we do know, you know?

Carlisle: Alice, you just used 'you know' yourself.

Alice: I did not.

Carlisle: Y-

Alice: No.

Carlisle: Fine! Fine.

Emmett: Alice is a hypocrite. Just like when we were making that vid-

Alice & Edward: *hisses lowly at Emmett*

Emmett: :x

Principal: When you were making a video? ! ! ! !

Emmett: _(oh damn. Why did I open my mouth? Um...oh I got it!)_ Yep, we made the video!

Everyone: _WHAT!_

Emmett: APRIL FOOLS! ^o^

Principal: *narrows eyes* I don't know who April is, but she needs to stop it!

Emmett: o.o

Principal: You know what I think?

Edward: Yes-

Principal: There are too many jokes being passed around these days, and confusing so many people. All of you kids need a good talk about Respect. About consideration, compassion, kindness. I tell you...*continues with long, long, LONG speech about what he believes in*...many, many wonderful smiles are formed out of helping and loving others. So, Cullens, in conclusion, I believe in respect!

*silence*

Principal: Ahem. Now...what do you kids believe in?

Emmett: *grins stupidly* Pancakes

Alice: I believe in the Tooth Fairy!

Edward: I believe in Bella :]

Rosalie: I believe I'm the only sane one to be adopted into this family.

Jasper: And I believe I concur with that statement.

Rosalie: *looks at Jasper* You agree that you're insane?

Jasper: In an insane world the insane are the sane, and this is a pretty insane world.

Emmett: Which means Rose is the crazy one. HAHA-

Rosalie: *glowers*

Emmett: HA-...I love you.

Principal: Well, it seems there's plenty of family love around here. *stretches and stands* And it doesn't appear I have anything to be suspicious about.

Esme: I thought you weren't suspicious of my children anyway.

Principal: Well...I'm ashamed to say I actually considered some of them were at fault for a minute.

Emmett: WHAT? THAT'S IT, GET OUT OF OUR HOUSE!

Carlisle: Emmett. *gives look*

Principal: No, no, I must be leaving anyway. Off to Nut Wacko Street to continue my search.

-the principal exits with Carlisle and Esme-

Emmett: *snorts* Nut Wacko Street? Sounds like a street only people who embarrass society live on.

Edward: That's Bella's street.

Emmett: Oh... Thanks for proving my point, bro! :D

Edward: *tackles*

**-End Cullens' flashback-**

* * *

**Wow, I'm still spewing out the funny! I'm glad :3**

**Next chapter we see the interrogation Principal Taylor Pattinson (a coincidence in the name, I'm sure) gives Bella about the video, while Jacob is there making snarky werewolf comments (you know, his usual hobby). Um...now I want a Nutter Butter! Do they still make those...? :D**


	41. I Hear Enough Voices!

_Emmett: *snorts* Nut Wacko Street? Sounds like a street only people who embarrass society live on._

_Edward: That's Bella's street._

_Emmett: Oh... Thanks for proving my point, bro! :D_

_Edward: *tackles*_

_****_

-End Cullens' flashback-

Bella: -_- Thanks a lot for that, Emmett

Emmett: Hey, don't feel bad. The world needs people like you to keep it entertaining for us smarter folks. You understand, right?

Bella: Of course.

Emmett: :)

Bella: I hate you.

Emmett: :O

Alice: So, Bella, what happened when the principal interrogated you?

Bella: Well...

Jacob: I wanna tell it - I _never_ get a flashback!

Bella: Neither do I-

Jacob: Too bad

**-Jacob's flashback-**

Embry: I. said. GO FISH!

Quil: But I hate fish

Bella: We just had fish for dinner...

Quil: That was real fish. Fake fish I don't do.

Embry: They are CARDS. You're just mad because you have to 'go fish' again. Now quit making weird excuses and GO FISH!

Quil: But I hate-

Embry: Go shop! Go swim! Go bobbing-for-snails! Go freakin' cliff-jumping! I don't care what you call it, just go do it and get your damn card!

Quil: Jeez, *picks up a card* no need to go all werewolf, man.

Seth: Yeah. Because if you do that Edward will never trust us over here again.

Jacob: Oh, who cares about the leech.

Bella: *raises hand*

Jacob: Besides Bella, since she's just a poor, naive, brainwashed human girl with terrible luck

Bella: I resent that.

Embry: You _do_ represent that.

Bella: I said RESENT!

-there's a knock on the door-

Bella: That must be the principal. *goes to answer it*

Seth: Principal? What's her principal doing here?

Jacob: Who knows?

Embry: Who cares?

Quil: Who's yo daddy?

Jacob, Seth, and Embry: ...?

Quil: Sorry.

Bella: *walks in with the principal* Guys this is my principal. And Principal Pattinson, these are my friends: Jacob, Quil, Embry, and Seth.

Principal: How do you all do?

Seth: How do we all do what?

Principal: No. I mean how are you all doing?

Embry: How are we all doing what!

Principal: No, no. How are you all feeling?

Seth: Fine. Why?

Quil: Are you a doctor?

Principal: ...I'm being polite.

Embry: I don't know who Polite is, but you should just be yourself.

Quil: You know, on second thought, I am feeling a bit feverish.

Bella: *gives the now snickering werewolves a dirty look*

Principal: *clears throat* Well, it's nice to meet you all (*mumbles*-I think.)... I am Taylor Maximus Pattinson-

Jacob: OK Max. Or is it Amus?

Quil: Do you mind if we call you Richard?

Principal: Taylor. is. my. name.

Jacob: *snorts* Taylor's a _girl's_ name

Bella: Jake, it can be used for either gender.

Jacob: Well, whatever - I'm glad that's not my name.

Seth: What if it _was_ your name?

Jacob: Psh. In what world would it ever be my name? *rolls eyes*

Seth: What if... What if your life was a movie, right? And then the actor who played you...was named Taylor? Then you'd be Taylor.

Jacob: No, I'd be Jacob...That other dude would be Taylor.

Quil: But that other dude would be you, so then you'd be him, and so you'd be Taylor, and he'd be Jacob.

Seth: And then everyone would always think that Jacob's Taylor and Taylor's Jacob, and they'd never be able to be themselves again.

Embry: Crap... So who's with us now? Taylor or Jacob?

-everyone turns slowly to stare at Jacob-

Jacob: I will always be JACOB, and he will always be- You know what! He doesn't even exist! We're ending this conversation. *turns to the principal* So, Tay-... No, I'm calling you Richard now.

Principal: You will call me Mr. Pattinson!

Jacob: Sure, sure

Bella: *decides to interrupt* Was there something you needed to ask me, Principal Pattinson?

Principal: Yes, Miss Swan, there was. Do you know anything about who created that dreadful video that played yesterday during the assembly? I'm not blaming you...per se. But if you know anything - any little, itty bitty, miniscule detail - it would be the greatest help.

Bella: ...

Principal: Miss Swan?

Bella: ...Um...

Principal: Do you Miss Swan?

Quil: How can we miss Swan if we've never met her?

Werewolves: *sniggers*

Principal: -_- Bella, would you please answer my question.

Bella: I'm sorry, Principal, but I have not a single clue as to where that video came from, or how it got onto the screen, or who has it now, or anything!

-Everyone stares at her suspiciously-

Bella: (_Damn, I should've kept it short. I'm a horrible liar!)_ *looks at Jacob for help*

Jacob: ...Er, you know, Mr. Pattinson, whatever happened at your assembly...Bella is too goody-two-shoes to pull off

Bella: *scowls at him*

Jacob: And she would've never been able to anyway, even if she wasn't all goody-goody, because something always goes wrong with her

Bella: *glares harder*

Jacob: See, Mr. Pattinson...*leans in and whispers*...her luck is so bad that if she bought Hollywood people would stop making movies.

Quil: Or if she bought a hospital people would stop getting sick.

Seth: Or if she bought a mall Alice would stop shopping

_-pause flashback-_

Alice: O_O Oh my gosh, he's right... Don't ever buy a mall, Bella. DON'T!

Bella: *glowers at her*

_-continue flashback-_

Embry: Or if she bought a cemetery...people would start turning into vampires! ...Which would totally suck, because that means more werewolves would pop up, and I don't think my mind could take that kind of intrusion! I hear enough voices! ! ! ! ! !

Principal: ... Right then. Thank-you, Bella, for taking the time to speak with me. But it's best I be going now.

Bella: Okay...

Principal: *turns to Embry and places a hand on his shoulder* And, son...get some help.

Jacob, Quil, and Seth: Hahahaha!

Seth: You should listen to him, Embry.

Jacob: Yeah, man, listen to Richard.

Principal: *glares at Jacob once, before turning around and heading for the door*

Embry: *mumbles*- 'Get some help.' Hmph. *makes faces at the principal behind his back*

Quil: *starts mimicking Embry*

Jacob: *starts copying Quil*

-soon the wolves start competing to see who can make the funniest faces-

Principal: *spins around abruptly*

Werewolves: o.o

Principal: You know, when I was younger I was always told that if I kept making funny faces my face would stay that way permanently.

Jacob: Well, you can't say you weren't warned.

Embry & Quil: Yeah.

Bella: OKAY, THAT'S IT! Thank-you, for dropping by, Principal Pattinson! Hope you find the culprits you're looking for! *pushes the principal out the door and closes it quickly*

Werewolves: Hahahahaha!

Bella: You guys are going to get me in trouble one day, you know

Jacob: Bella, you get yourself into trouble just fine on your own.

Bella: *throws a marshmallow at him* Not that kind of trouble!

Jacob: Hey! ...Um...where'd you get a marshmallow?

Bella: I got it- ...? I don't know.

Everyone: ...

Werewolves: *all glance at each other in confusion*

Jacob: *starts turning back to Bella* How do you not know where you got a marshmall-... Bella?

-Bella is gone-

Werewolves: Bel-laaa?

...

-Twilight Zone music plays-

Werewolves: o_o

**-End Flash Back-**

The Cullens: ...

Alice: Well...aside from the end there, which was clearly MADE UP,-

Bella: *murmurs at Jacob*-See, this is why you don't get flashbacks

Jacob: I liked it.

Alice: -it seems like you had fun with the principal, too.

Emmett: And you didn't give us away; I'm surprised.

Bella: And I'm a surprise- I mean-

Emmett: You're a surprise? XD

Bella: Be quiet, I messed up :[

Emmett: You are messed up.

Bella: Shut. Up.

Emmett: Not until you suck up.

Bella: What?

Emmett: Then back up!

Bella: Shut up!

Jasper: Everyone look up! Quick!

Everyone: *looks up, expecting to see something...then turns confused*

Jasper: ... I'd like to take this moment to say we should divide up into teams and play shuffle board.

Everyone: *stares at him*

Jasper: HAHA! I was just craving attention.

_To be continued..._

* * *

**Silly Jasper, that's Rosalie's job. **

**And is it just me, or is there always talk about some kind of fish when Quil is around? ... Anyway, thank-you so much for all your reviews (nearly 700)! I never thought this story would be so liked when I started it so long ago... I could go into my own flashback, but I won't. Spare you all you're sanity. (Though, if you've read this story this far then your sanity may already be questionable.) :P**


	42. Who Stole My Family's Mojo?

Jasper: Everyone look up! Quick!

Everyone: *looks up, expecting to see something...then turns confused*

Jasper: ... I'd like to take this moment to say we should divide up into teams and play shuffle board.

Everyone: *stares at him*

Jasper: Haha! I was just craving attention.

Everyone: ...

Emmett: Man, that is just what I'd expect from a veteran fluffhead.

Jasper: ... I'm upset now.

Bella: So, we're all clear from the principal's suspicions, right?

Edward: Yes. And Esme is working on redoing my bathroom right now. Alice sees that a group of girls will be showing up "incognito" to enter our house and try to match any of our bathrooms with the one in the picture.

Alice: They won't discover anything, don't worry ^-^

Jacob: You know what all you leeches talking makes me realize? We need more werewolves!

The Cullens: We're allergic to pets!

**Embry logged on**

**Seth logged on**

**Quil logged on**

Rosalie: Ick...

Embry: Blondie! I haven't seen you in a while.

Rosalie: I know. It's been wonderful.

Embry: Hmmm, on second thought, now I remember why I try to avoid you. You're kind of anti-nice, aren't ya?

Rosalie: And you're anti-smart. Which is why I try to avoid _you_.

Embry: Ouch. She's feisty.

Quil: She's a vampire! Which reminds me... I have a question for all you parasites.

Emmett: What is it?

Quil: You say you only drink the blood of animals, right?

Edward: Obviously.

Quil: Well, hypothetically...ALL ANIMALS HAVE BECOME EXTINCT, except for humans! How do you cope?

Alice: That's a lot of animals. Did they all die at the same time? That's suspicious...

Emmett: Does that mean all the humans have to become vegetarian when there's no more meat left in the world? Or will the meat lovers turn cannibalistic?

Edward: Herbivores don't taste as good as creatures who eat meat. I wonder if that's the same for humans...

Jasper: I still can't tell the difference between blood tastes :(

Quil: You're all disgusting! Answer the question!

Bella: They still wouldn't kill anybody! They are good people. Right guys?

The Cullens: ... *all look away in different directions*

Bella: Right. Guys? -_-

Edward: We could always drink donated blood...

Emmett: Or go out into space in search of a new planet! We don't need to breathe, you know. We could make it out there.

Jasper: Until we become so thirsty that when we finally find a planet with blood we just massacre everyone the moment we step off the aircraft without even realizing it.

Emmett: We'll just have to make trip precautions

Rosalie: Like what? Store donated blood in our spaceship to keep us satisfied? So then when we get incredibly thirsty because our rations are dwindling we'll end up fighting each other for it? Pleasant.

Emmett: Now you're just being pessimistic

Alice: And then we'll choose a planet to land on that turns out to be deadly to us. Like every so often it spontaneously erupts into flames.

Emmett: Now you're just being ridiculous!

Embry: Jeez, Bella, how can you stand all these bloodsuckers in one room?

Quil: Seriously, there's not a single one I like.

Bella: What about Esme? Bet you can't not like her.

Quil: Well...she's all right

Seth: I like Esme - she's so sweet and kind and motherly all the time

Jacob: Ugh, I know! Every time I'm around her I get the urge to watch Disney movies. Like Dumbo and Snow White...and Tron.

Everyone: 0_o

Jacob: *looks around at all of them* What?

Rosalie: *starts grinning*

Jacob: ...

Rosalie: :]

Jacob: Er...Why are you smiling at me all of a sudden?

Rosalie: Oh, I'm not smiling at you; I'm trying not to laugh.

Jacob: *rolls eyes* If you're about to comment on how "funny" my face is, or about me bald, then you need a new-

Rosalie: Your face? Please! I'm just... *a little laugh slips out of her* Oh gosh, it's just...haha...so ridiculous...hahaha...

Jacob: *starts glaring* Out with it, leech.

Rosalie: I'm...haha... I'm just trying to imagine you with a personality! Hahahahaha!

Jacob: *glares* Right back at ya, Blondie.

Alice: Guys, this is no time to be cracking jokes at each other.

Bella: That's right.

Quil: Then what time is it?

Alice: It's Christmas time!

Bella: That's righ- Huh?

Embry: You don't say. Wanna split a watermelon then? That's our Christmas tradition.

Alice: No, I want the whole watermelon!

Embry: *scowls* That's just like vampires, hoggin' all the watermelons.

Seth: Alice, it's not Christmas time. It's May.

Alice: Excuse me, but who's the psychic here?

Seth: ...You.

Alice: We'll be listening to me then, thank you very much. And since it's Christmas time we have to get into the holiday spirit.

Everyone: Oh joy -_-

Alice: I SAID HOLIDAY SPIRIT! Come on, Edward, Em, Rose, Jazz! We've done this numerous times before.

Edward: Yes...during Christmas

Alice: *bangs fist* Don't make me go Angry Alice on you.

Edward: *groans*

Jasper: We don't have any Christmas spirit mojo in May, Alice.

Alice: What in daisy lily carnations are you talking about! Who stole my family's mojo? *glares accusingly at Bella and the werewolves*

Werewolves: *all point at Bella*

Bella: o_o'

Embry: I know how to fix this. They should all sing Christmas carols.

Alice: *gasps* He is right!

-the other Cullens all grimace-

Alice: Come on, Rose! Lets sing!

Rosalie: Not a chance.

Alice: Edward! Emmett!

Jacob: I want to hear Jingle Bells. *snickers*

Emmett: You want Jingle Bells? All right. _Jingle Bells...werewolves smell...from 40 miles away!...Seth is cool...but Jacob's a fool...and Quil and Embry do ballet._ Hahaha!

-Edward and Emmett fist-bump-

Jacob: Oh yeah? Don't think we can't make up our own words too. *takes a minute to think* OK! _Joy to the wolves...we're better than the vamps...who insult us...because...they're jealous! They say we stink and are hairy...but at least we don't sparkle like a fairy!-_

Jasper: Hey, hey, hey! Lets not start THAT discussion.

Jacob: Then lets see what you got, Creepy Cullen.

Jasper: I don't sing when I'm addressed as 'Creepy Cullen'.

Alice: Don't worry, Jazz. If Jacob wants a caroling war with you, then I got your back...literally *appears on Jasper's back* Now... _Deck the halls with boughs of blood Fa la la la la la la la la!... Jasper Cullen is a stud Fa la la la la la la la la!... Jacob Black wishes he were this cool Fa la la la la la la la la!... But all he does is bark and drool Fa la la la la la la la la!_

Emmett: Yeeaahhh, point for us.

-Alice and Jasper high-five-

Embry: We'll never back down! *starts singing* _We wish you-_

Bella: That is it! No more singing. No more caroling war. No more! This is not the spirit of Christmas. What is wrong with all of you? We're all supposed to come together. To sing about peace and bright cheer. What happened to all that?

Everyone: ...

Edward: Bella, love...they stink. Singing improvised Christmas carols is as close as we're going to get.

Alice: And I am the epitome of bright cheer! -^_^-

Bella: *sighs* Fine, can we at least have some Christmas colors around here?

Jacob: What would you like, Bells?

Bella: Well, the Cullens have gold eyes. I'm wearing red. And you guys look like reindeer...

Werewolves: -_- Thanks a lot.

Bella: So, we need green. Edward!

Edward: Yes?

Bella: Look in your drawer

Edward: o-O *looks in drawer and pulls out a small white case* ...These are contacts

Bella: Yes, they're blue contacts. Now put them on

Edward: Why?

Bella: Carlisle said you had green eyes when human. You're eyes now are yellow - blue and yellow make green.

Edward: But-

Bella: PUT EM ON!

Edward: k-kay... *puts them on*

Everyone: Whoa...

Bella: :O You are sooo _pretty_

Edward: Pretty? Why am I never handsome? :(_  
_

Jacob: *stares* Gross. Your eyes are the color of asparagus.

Edward: *scowls defensively* They are the color of a Christmas tree.

Jacob: Broccoli

Edward: Jello

Embry: You know what? If you're not going to let me sing then I'm leaving!

**Embry logged off**

Jacob: Moss

Edward: Apples!

Seth: This could go on forever.

Quil: Lets go to Emily's - Claire's there 8]

**Quil logged off**

**Seth logged off**

Jacob: Peas

Edward: Kiwis

Jacob: Boogers :D

Edward: Four-leaf clovers!

The Cullens: ...

Emmett: You see what you did, Bella? Now we're annoyed.

**Emmett logged off**

**Rosalie logged off**

**Jasper logged off**

**Alice logged off**

Bella: ...

Jacob: Frogs!

Edward: Turtles!

Jacob: The Green Arrow!

Edward: The Green _Lantern_!

Bella: YOU TWO DON'T EVEN MAKE SENSE ANYMORE!

**Bella logged off**

Jacob: ...

Edward: ...

Jacob: Bugs

Edward: Gummy bears!

* * *

**And they go on and on and on... **

**Anyhoo, I figured I'd do a Christmas sort of chapter when I saw a Team Edward shirt the other day that said "Jingle Bells, Jacob smells, from 40 yards away." So I hope you liked it! :]**

**Happy Holidays! Whether you celebrate Christmas or just plain ol' Life - have a happy one!**


	43. Run Muggle!

**It's been a long time since I updated, I know. I was only recently aware of just how long it's actually been, though... Time flies without you knowing, doesn't it? Truly sorry! I'd give you all cupcakes but...I ate them all. *runs away***

* * *

**Last time:**

_Jacob: Frogs!_

_Edward: Turtles!_

_Jacob: The Green Arrow!_

_Edward: The Green Lantern!_

_Bella: YOU TWO DON'T EVEN MAKE SENSE ANYMORE!_

_**Bella logged off**_

_Jacob: ..._

_Edward: ..._

_Jacob: Bugs_

_Edward: Gummy bears_

* * *

**-2 days later-**

Jacob: Pickles

Edward: Cucumbers!

Jacob: Skittles

Edward: M'n'Ms!

**Emmett logged on**

**Bella logged on**

**Alice logged on**

Jacob: Green beans

Edward: Green tea!

Emmett: GUACAMOLE!

Edward: Emmett, who's side are you on?

Emmett: That depends. Who has the greatest offer?

Bella: Forget the guacamole. I can't believe you two are still at it!

Alice: They are both very persistent.

Bella: If you miss any more days of school**–**

Edward: It's easy for me to catch up, love.

Bella: *glares at him*

Edward: *says quickly*-But I will stop for you :3

Jacob: *stretches* Oh well. The fight was fun while it lasted. Time to move on. Call it a truce?

Edward: *narrows eyes* _You're_ just saying that because you couldn't think of anything else that's green. Being a vampire with decades of experience, I still have a long list of beautiful green things that my eyes so magnificently resemble.

Jacob: You talk too much.

Alice: He really does.

Emmett: Yeah. And we all know bad things happen when Edward talks. We get lost, people die, and the next thing you know I'm stuck in Bella's window...without any pants!

Bella: Lets not re-live that incident. -_-

Jacob: O_o

Edward: That has nothing to do with me talking! What kind of siblings are you anyway?

Alice & Emmett: The best kind!

Alice: We are the ones who make fun of you to keep you on your toes.

Emmett: And then kill anyone else who messes with you, because we're the only ones allowed to do that.

Jacob: That's not true. I mess with him all the time.

Alice & Emmett: And your days are numbered, Barky.

Jacob: ... Barky?

Alice: Yes. Where Edward talks, you bark.

Edward: So your nickname is Barky. *looks smug*

Jacob: Well, then...then your nickname is _Sparkles_. So there!

Bella: Ugh. Sometimes I just want to smash you two together, you get so annoying with your pointless name-calling.

Alice: *gasps* _Then_ we can call them Barkles! ^.^

Emmett: Damn, we're smart.

Bella: *sigh*

Edward: I'm sorry, Bella. They are irritating, aren't they?

Alice, Emmett, & Jacob: That includes you!

Edward: *ignores them* But remember what you have planned this weekend.

Bella: Oh yeah!

**Jasper logged on**

Bella: I can't wait for..._you know who_...to stay the weekend with me ;)

Jasper: Voldemort? RUN MUGGLE!

Edward: Jazz, I think you need to take a break from all your books.

Alice: Wait, who's bald'n'short?

Jacob: *holds up a razor, grinning evilly* You.

Alice: ._.

**Alice logged off**

Jacob: Hehehe. I'm the only one who can threaten the little midget because she can't see me coming-

Jasper: *is glaring, unamused at him*

Jacob: ...

Emmett & Bella: Ooooo, you're in trou-ble...

Edward: You really aren't very smart sometimes.

Jacob: Am too. *still, he watches Jasper nervously*

Edward: Well, lets see. Do you write with your right or left hand?

Jacob: My right hand.

Edward: Wrong! You write with a pencil!

Jacob: -_-

Emmett & Bella: *giggles*

Jacob: OUCH!

Bella: Huh? What happened?

Jacob: *is rubbing his shoulder* There was just a random, sharp pain in my arm...

Jasper: My voodoo doll worked :]

Jacob: What the...? :OOO

Bella: You do voodoo, Jasper?

Emmett: We all do^^

Bella: Voodoo?

Jasper: We do.

Bella: You do?

Edward: Yes, voodoo.

Jacob: You're all freaks, and I don't like this...being picked on all the time. Is this how you're gonna start treating me now too, Bells? Q~Q

Bella: WHAT? Oh, Jake, of course not. They're just kidding.

Jacob: No they're not, and neither are you, laughing with them at my expense. After everything we've been through together!

Bella: Jake, no. I'd never-

Jacob: You know that feeling you get when you've consumed two slushies and a twinkie while sitting in the back of a police car watching the sunset and listening to "The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow"; then the baby starts crying while buffalo roam, and Paul starts doing the disco on the hood of the car, and vampires in leotards and red hoodies are playing poker; and Yoda starts asking you really personal questions while you're trying to remember if Leah left the bun in the oven, and then there's an earthquake and you forget your name?

Everyone: ...

Jacob: THAT'S THE FEELING I HAVE RIGHT NOW! *sniffles*

**Jacob logged off _BECAUSE BELLA HURT HIM_**

Bella: *gasps* Q~Q

Edward: Bella, love, it's okay-

Bella: You should be ashamed of yourself, Edward! Because this is all my fault! I'm going to La Push.

**Bella logged off**

Emmett: Okay...?

Jasper: ...

-Edward sighs and looks up sadly at the twilight sky-

Edward: *turns poetic* "The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love someone else."

Emmett: How sad... Try licking your elbow, though**—**it's harder! 8)

Edward: *looks at him*

...

T~T

**Edward logged off**

-silence-

Emmett: Was it something I said?

Jasper: Your words, although true, were very poorly timed.

-Emmett gets tackled-

***Emmett was disconnected***

Jasper: Very, very poorly timed. *nods*


	44. You're Not Very FangALicious

**Rosalie logged on**

Jasper: Hey, Rose.

Rosalie: Hey. Where is everyone? I figured they'd all be on here by now.

Jasper: I believe they're all either hiding, fighting, or crying.

Rosalie: Okay... So what did I miss?

Jasper: Eh, nothing really. Just Bella's having a sleep over with Voldemort, and Jacob got jealous and threatened my Alice, for which I voodoo'd him in the arm; Edward writes with a pencil, and Jacob did something in a police car which made Bella cry and leave, which made Edward cry and leave, which made Emmett laugh and get tackled.

Rosalie: That doesn't sound like nothing, Jasper.

Jasper: You're right. This does: ...

-silence-

Rosalie: -_-

**Emmett logged on**

Emmett: Can either one of you tell me where to get one of those cannons that shoot people out of it?

Jasper and Rosalie: ...

Emmett: It doesn't have to shoot the person far. 100 yards tops.

Jasper: I'm sure you can find one at a circus... and maybe you'll stay there this time. *sniggers*

Rosalie: Why on earth would you want one of those, Em?

Emmett: *opens his mouth to answer*

Rosalie: Wait! On second thought, I don't want to know the answer to that.

**Alice logged on**

-the only thing that appears on Alice's screen is a miniature stage-

Jasper: ... Alice?

-an Alice puppet appears-

_Alice_: Hi, Jazz!

Jasper and Rosalie: o-O Um...

Emmett: I second the Um's...

-the real Alice peeks up-

Alice: My, you all look more confused than a blind vampire in La Push. It's like you've never seen a puppet show before.

Emmett: Why do you have a puppet show?

Alice: Why do you want a cannon?

Emmett: *opens his mouth to answer*

Alice: It was a rhetorical question!

Emmett: Why does nobody want to hear my reason? :(

Jasper: *ignores him* Why _do_ you have a puppet show, Alice?

Alice: Well, your voodoo dolls got me thinking... puppets!

Rosalie: Don't you think we're a little too old for puppet shows?

Alice: Not these puppets. *shows how detailed her Alice puppet is* Look, you can even change her face expression.

Jasper: It is pretty impressive handiwork.

Emmett: Who else do you have?

Alice: Well...

-two new puppets appear-

_Carlisle_: HI WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN WHO I SO COMPASSIONATELY ADOPTED!

_Esme_: What he said! ^-^

Emmett: Ha-ha! It looks just like them.

_Esme_: We love you so much! Where are Edward and Bella?

_Carlisle_: Yes. Where are they? Tell them we love them, too.

_Esme_: Did we mention we love you? ^-^

Esme: Alice, what are you doing?

Alice: eep!

Emmett: *snickers* Busted. She's making fun of you Esme.

Alice: Am not.

Esme: Oh, puppets! How adorable. *joins Alice*

Alice: Here, you can be Edward, I will be Bella.

_Edward_: I'm Edward. I like music, mountain lions, and...music...and mountain lions. And the smell of strawberries and freesia.

_Bella_: And I'm Bella. I just loooovvveee clothes!

Esme: That's it, I'm Bella.

Alice: Aww :(

Emmett: lol Good try, Alice.

Alice: Fine. Just for that... *imitates Edward's voice perfectly*

_Edward_: Bella, love, I think you're beautiful either way, of course, but...you've gotten fat lately.

Esme: Alice! Edward would never say that.

Alice: Esme, would you play along!

_Edward_: I'm just saying you should stop having midnight snacks in the middle of the night.

_Bella_: If us humans aren't supposed to have late night snacks, then why is there a light in the fridge?

_Edward_: So the fruits and vegetables can see!

Rosalie: Wow. This is great, this is wonderful. *sarcastically pretends to be two people having a conversation* 'Hey, what do century-old vampires do in their free time?' 'Well, they play with puppets like a toddler.' 'That's just what I always thought!'

Everyone else: -_- We're just having fun.

-the Bella puppet is replaced by a Rosalie one [Esme at the controls]-

_Rosalie_: Ta-da *poses*

Rosalie: :o

-Alice puppet comes back-

_Alice_: Rosalie, guess what? My favorite movies are suspense!

_Rosalie_: Liar.

_Alice_: How do you know?

_Rosalie_: You, my psychic sister, always have to know what's going to happen, and therefore you hate suspense.

_Alice_: Wrong-o!

_Rosalie_: Let's ask the others. Am I wrong here?

_Edward_: Yes.

_Rosalie_: Nobody asked you!

_Edward_: :O

Emmett: I wanna try the puppets!

**Emmett logged off**

-a moment later a bear puppet hops on the stage, along with an Emmett puppet-

_Grizzly Bear_: Who are you?

_Emmett_: You're vampire nightmare. Mwahaha!

_Grizzly Bear_: *is unphased* You're not very fang-a-licious.

_Emmett_: Shove it, Fuzzy Wuzzy *roar* *kills bear*

Alice: *pushes Emmett away* Grizzlies, grizzlies, grizzlies! Is that all you ever think about? You're a terrible puppet master.

Emmett: I was just getting to the good part!

**Carlisle logged on**

**Edward logged on**

-puppet Esme waves-

_Esme_: Hi, Carlisle!

Carlisle: Um...

Jasper: That was my first reaction, too.

Edward: Why are you all playing with puppets?

_Emmett_: *points at Edward menacingly* Emmett doesn't like you! Once he gets his cannon you're getting blasted out of this state! ...well, 100 yards tops.

Rosalie: *rolls her eyes and grumbles* I knew I didn't want to know.

Edward: If you stopped to think before you spoke, I wouldn't be tempted to attack you.

Carlisle: Emmett, you're not getting a cannon. Especially to shoot your brother out of.

_Emmett_: *starts doing kung-fu moves* Yes, Daddy C, I really am.

Carlisle: ... Alice, could you look ahead into the future.

Alice: How about back into the future?

Carlisle: And how exactly would you accomplish looking _back_ into the _future_?

Alice: I dunno. It was just a suggestion... Wanna see my Volturi puppets first?

Everyone: O-o You have the Volturi-

-Aro, Caius and Marcus puppets take the stage-

Alice: Aren't they creepy? ^.^ Here, Esme, take Aro and Caius.

Emmett: I'll be Alice!

_Aro_: Alice, dear, what brings you here.

_Alice_: Well, Aro, I've decided to join you.

_Aro_: *-* Really?

_Alice_: NOPE! Bwahahaha! *runs away, laughing like crazy*

_Aro_: Hey, you really shouldn't play with people's emotions like that T~T

_Marcus_: Dammit, Aro, we're not people!

_Caius_: Aww, Marcus, go easy on him... Poor thing...

Edward, Carlisle, Jasper & Rosalie: *are speechless*

Jasper: Wow.

Edward: I hope you three realize that you got their personalities-

Emmett & Alice: PERFECT! We know!

Bella: That was funny! 8D

The Cullens: BELLA?

_**To be continued...**_

* * *

**I was playing with my niece earlier, trying to entertain her with her puppets (she was all giggly, so I assumed I was doing a good job, lol). Of course, playing with them made me think 'What if my Twilight Chat characters made their own tiny versions of Twilight chats?' It might be random but...what isn't? :D**

**On another note, I love your reviews! Thank you! ^.^**


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